Tag Archives: wishes

I’m one big disappointment!

Why do I feel that I am one big disappointment after another in my father’s eyes?clock

He was the one who taught me to be independent, and yet I failed.

He was the one who taught me that if you work hard you reap the rewards, and yet I failed.

He was the one who taught me to be careful, and yet I failed.

Everything I try, I do to try to please my father, and yet I fail.

Even when other people ‘lavish’ praise on my efforts, not one word of praise escapes my fathers lips.

I can’t even remember my father saying he loved me, like most fathers do to their offspring.

I’m at a crossroads in my life where I need to make big decisions about where I am headed in order to make a good life for SC.

Yet in my father’s eyes everything is black and white – I have to do either A or B.

I have ideas, but he says that they should just be sidelines – yet the problem is, and a lesson I have learned from bitter experience past is that if I go down route A and dabble with ideas, then the ideas are just another chalked-up failure. You cannot do, and give your full attention to 2 different things, especially if you have attention needed from a SC – it just doesn’t work.

Fate, apparently, throws at us what it feels we can deal with.

But you know what?

I’m tired.

I don’t want to have to fight to keep my head above the water every single hour of every single day.

I don’t want to give up, I’m not a quitter, but right now I feel I have no other option.

I want time. Time for me to prove my worth. Time for me to be a good mum (instead of the failure I feel). Time for me to be me.

But I don’t have time.

The clock never stops ticking (which is probably why I hate loud ticking clocks).

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What every girl wants…

I saw this in a shop today…what i want

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What do I want?

A simple life.

No stress.

Happiness.

No worries.

Love.

No heartache.

Friendship, warmth, security, fulfillment, truth, honesty, peace, harmony …

… just like everyone else.

 

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What would you salvage?

I stumbled upon a quote by the American poet laureate Kay Ryan the other day:dreaming

The day misspent,
the love misplaced,
has inside it
the seed of redemption.
Nothing is exempt
from resurrection.

… and it got me thinking about what I would do about days mis-spent and love misplaced.

We can’t go back and change the past, that’s a fact. But, if everything has a chance to be rescued or saved should you, or would you?

People talk about a mis-spent youth, generally in terms of not working harder, and by the time they realise this they haven’t gone as far as they actually wanted in life – some of the dreams are still the same distance away. But can you still shoot for those dreams, or do you risk ridicule?

I think dreams can be aimed for throughout life, at any age. After all what are we if we don’t have dreams and hopes – these are generally what keeps us going. Striving for something – which for many of us is unattainable, but we still keep trying, because trying and not reaching our destination is far better than not trying at all, isn’t it?

Mr Wrong No. 2 ridiculed me by saying that I was stupid to try to keep shooting for the stars – he said that there comes a point when you have to realise you will fail, and just give up on your dreams. Personally, I think he’s so totally wrong, and probably just goes to show what kind of person he really is.

I will never tell SC to give up on his dreams. I will stand behind him and help him reach for the stars, when he needs my help and encouragement, not scorn or jeer and generally put him down, so that he feels that he can never aim for anything, but just take whatever is handed out to him.

I still have my dreams, and yes, at 41, maybe they are unattainable, but I’ll never stop looking at the stars, striving, wishing and hoping.

So can you rescue mis-spent days and misplaced loves?

I think, if anything has a chance to be salvaged, you should at least try.

Maybe you spent a day playing instead of working hard on your business. Totally guilty of this sometimes – and yes, I know I have no one to blame but myself. But I salvage the situation and work long hours, over the weekend and am constantly striving to become a better “all-rounder” in the business world, so I can reach one of my stars.

Can we misplace love?

I think this could be open to two different meanings.

Firstly, by unwisely giving our heart to someone. This could be for many reasons – for me, when I left Mr Wrong No. 1 for Mr Wrong No. 2 it was because there was nothing left of my relationship with Mr Wrong No. 1, but Mr Wrong No. 2 came along at the right time, saying all the right things that I wanted to hear. Looking back, I was foolish, naive and too trusting – the only good thing to come out of it was SC, whom I wouldn’t be without for all the world. I’m sure everyone, at some point in their life has done the same thing.

Secondly, we can misplace love, if the timing, or situation, is not right for that love.

But can either of these be redeemed.

Personally, I would not wish to salvage anything from the disasters that were Mr Wrong Nos. 1 & 2. The only thing I have rescued is my sanity!

For the second, if I was lucky enough to be in the situation where there was a chance for happiness with someone, where previously there was not, I wouldn’t hesitate. I wouldn’t rush in though. I would want to take time and develop a deep friendship alongside love, to ensure that love would never be misplaced again. 😉

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Songs that sum up how I’m feeling right now…

An eclectic taste today, as I’ve realised what I’m worth and how blessed I truly am. SC said that we were lucky because we were the only people with happiness in their hearts because we have each other (out if the mouthes of babes!):

1. ‘Happiness’ by Ken Dodd
2. ‘Gonna build a mountain’ by Lesley Bricusse & Anthony Newley, sung by Matt Monro
3. ‘Life could not better be’ sung by Danny Kaye in The Court Jester
4. ‘The best things happen while your dancing’ by Irving Berlin from the film White Christmas
5. ‘Don’t laugh at me cause I’m a fool’ by Norman Wisdom

And finally, without a shadow of doubt ‘Always look on the bright side of life’ from Monty Python’s ‘Life of Brian’ 😉

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I’ll tell you what I want … What I really, really want

Now, I know that “I want” never gets, as I’m forever telling SC.

But, in my life there’s a fine line between what I wanted and what I got!

Yes, I am blessed with SC, and I forever thankful of that, but other things always seem out of reach. So here’s what I want:

I want a life filled with love and laughter.

I have this silly picture in my mind of my home – with me, my knight and our family. Laughter and happiness abound, but above all when the welcoming front door is opened you are hit with an intense feeling of warmth and love.

I’m not such a fool to think that it is all fabulous. I know there will be heartache along the way, but at least I won’t be alone in fighting the demons that come a’knocking!

I want a home filled with noise and music.

I am a naturally loud person, something SC has inherited. I can’t help it. My parents say I talk as if I was on the National Theatre stage trying to reach deaf old Aunt Ada at the back, whereas Mr Wrong No. 1 always ‘had a go’ at me for ‘projecting’. Like I say, I’ve got a loud voice – far too many years on the stage darrrrling!

My parents like quiet, so it’s always tense in the house, as I’m trying to keep SC’s noise levels to a minimum (maybe that’s way I’m such a stressed out mummy?).

As far as I’m concerned, noise is good – I know there are times when silence can, indeed, be golden and a welcome break – but in my experience a noisy home, is generally a happy one!

In my ‘dream’ our home would be full of noise – happy noise and music.

When SC was a baby, and we were alone in the house, I used to crank up the stereo, and we would have a marvellous time – I would have him in my arms and we would dance around with me belting out show tunes (which are a particular favourite of mine)

As far as I’m concerned, music is essential for a happy home – it can instantly lighten the mood 😉

To be honest, I’m happy to listen to anything. I never say never to listening to something new – although I do have a soft spot for show tunes (as I mentioned) and cheesy 80s pop music 😉

Finally, I want a knight in shining armour.

I don’t want a troll under the bridge – had enough of those to last me several lifetimes, thank you.

I don’t want to be messed around. I don’t want to be a convenient intermission whilst someone sorts out their problems. I don’t want to be led up the garden path with promises only for it to all be smashed in my face again, as the other party walks away laughing and I’m left to pick up the pieces of my life once more. I don’t want to be a rehearsal for someone until they decide they’re going to marry an internet bride. Shall I go on?

I know knights don’t really exist. I don’t even want “diamond sunbursts or marble halls”. I just want someone kind, caring, honest and true. Someone that I can laugh with, talk to and who can be my best friend.

Is that too much to ask?

My knight in shining armour not only has to fall in love with me though, but he has to love children and want to have a family.

I come as a package deal you see – you get me and SC. I like to think of it as  BOGOF offer 😉

He’s going to have to be able to step in and become a stable male role model to SC ( as well as any others we may be blessed with).

It’s a big ask of anyone to take on someone else’s child and help raise him. I know, my last 2 disasters have both involved me being typecast as the wicked stepmother. I know I am not cut out for it, but in some ways I feel it’s harder for a woman, than it is for a man.

So my knight will have to be very special indeed as I’m not a stereotypical single mother who will introduce her child to a different ‘uncle’ when the weather changes.

I want a family for keeps!

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