Tag Archives: trust

A-Z of Life – Insecurities

insecuritiesThose little niggles that we all get that we are not good enough, or we’ve done something wrong but we don’t know what (or is that just me?).

Those little worries that just sit there quietly eating away at all the other thoughts in your head.

Until they grow so large they are all you can think of and not only that but they are completely true and you aren’t good enough, and it’s always your fault.

Annoying, aren’t they?

But how do you conquer those little niggling doubts inside your head?

Is it possible?

More importantly though, do you want to?

Personally, I think that if you want to get rid of them, it’s most definitely possible. After all, as Buddha said:

What you think, you become.

What you feel, you attract.

What you imagine, you create.

So, if all you can think and dwell on are insecurities, the wrongs people have done you, etc, etc, etc, then all you attract is more of the bad stuff and none of the good stuff.

But how do you change?

Well, it’s not easy, but it does all start with that very question.

If you know you want things to change, and you know you have to change in order to make that happen, then believe me, you are on the road there.

I have come full circle.

When I was little no one was ever going to beat me – at anything.

And then life happened and I let life beat me. I let everything else control me, but me. I clammed up and hid. I was totally afraid to show any feelings, I was never good enough for anyone, I was never good at anything and even if I showed any hint there was always someone only too willing to slap me back down into my place again.

I spent the best part of my life being afraid.

But then, a couple of years ago I had an epiphany.

It wasn’t one of those Damascene (?) epiphanies, more a case of a culmination of a whole heap of crap (for want of a better word) and me saying “STOP! I’ve had it!”

I knew I couldn’t change other people, but I sure as hell could change myself and how I reacted to certain situations.

Since reading is what I do best, I read and read anything I could get my hands on regarding personal development and changing perspectives. I’ve read about chimps, psychopaths, the universe, gratitude, psychic vibrations, etc. Some brilliant, some good and some not so good.

Little by little I managed to chip away at those in-built insecurities that had been a permanent fixture in my head for more years than I care to remember.

And you know what?

I’ve come to like myself again. I may not be to everyone’s cup of tea, but I’m mine.

I’ve realised that I have a right to be here, just as much as anyone else, and I don’t need to excuse my presence to anyone, especially not me.

What ever happened in the past is exactly where it needs to stay. Firmly in the past. I have learned from everything that has happened to try to make myself a better human being. By forgiving others and equally forgiving myself has lifted that feeling of eternal guilt that I am always in the wrong.

I am responsible for my own happiness, no one else is.

I have learned that I cannot control anything else apart from my actions – and if truth be told, that’s quite a scary one to learn, especially as I don’t like the feeling of uncertainty – but I take a deep breath and enjoy those opportunities and curve balls. After all the fun is in the journey.

I have learned that worrying doesn’t solve anything. It actually makes things worse. By worrying we create problems out of nothing. And going back to Buddha if we are feeling worried, insecure and not in a good place nothing good will come into our lives.

They’ll never completely go away, the fear and insecurities, but by flipping my thinking I have now learned that they are merely opportunities in disguise. A further chance for me grow by casting the ghosts of insecurities past aside and simply trusting.

Never mind Peter Pan saying “to die will be an awfully big adventure”, living is the biggest adventure of all.

Life is amazing.

Life can be wonderful, if we just stop worrying, start trusting, start believing and more importantly love.

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A-Z of Life – Faith

faithDon’t worry, I’m not going to write about religion … that kind of faith.

Rather I’m going to witter on about the other definition of the word.

Faith – complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

Previously in the life of this Wonderful Geekette I was too sceptical (what do they want from me?), too judgmental (who do they think they are?), too critical (how dare you?) and too untrusting (I don’t believe you!).

Based purely on life experiences that had led me to believe, rightly or wrongly, that other people were always going to hurt, misuse and abuse me – for want of a better expression – in one way or another if I let them get close.

And, as for me I never even had faith in me, either my own abilities or opinions.

So I just hid away behind my brick wall of safety that I built up around me, letting life pass me by. Afraid of everything and everyone, because each time I did poke my nose above the parapet to take a sniff at the outside world something and/or someone would have me diving back for cover and building yet another layer on the wall.

But then, a couple of years ago (as I’ve said many times), I knew I had to get my act together.

To quote Anne of Green Gables “you’ve shut out life … and now life is shutting you out.” And I was, by hiding away I was shutting out life and doing nothing but existing.

One of the many self-help books I read basically repeated the time old saying that our thoughts become reality and we become what we think.

And I didn’t want to end up that sad, mad (well, no crazier than normal), bitter and twisted old biddy with no kind word to say about anything or anyone – believe me, I think I was on that road.

More importantly, I didn’t want my lack of faith in humanity rubbing off on SC.

So, like everything else I have done over the last couple of years to get from where I was to my present state I have had to start trusting and believing in life and people.

I have learned that life will have ups and downs, but the downs will only make you down if you let them.

I have learned to take the downs as lessons that I can learn from and grow and have faith that there is something better for me down the road.

I have learned to trust other people, although I’m still a little unsure and it takes me a while to fully open up. And by putting my trust in them I know that sometimes I may be proved wrong, but if that happens then I can’t change anything, so as they say I “don’t even worry about it!”

I have learned that not everyone will understand me and not everyone will like me. I get that now, so I’ve given up trying to please everyone, the only person I try to please is me.

I have learned to have faith, that the world is not so scary and that life is an adventure to be lived.

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Forget those 3 little words – it’s 6 words that tell a story!

I’m a big fan of the writer Paul Coelho (The Alchemist, Veronika Decides to Die, 11 Minutes, etc). Haven’t got all his books, but have read quite a few. I’ve just finished re-reading “The Alchemist”, digging out Manual of the Warrior Light next to re-read. (Best pop some more on my birthday wish list)

Anyway, he wrote that it only takes 6 words to tell a story. So here are a couple of mine:

  • Waiting, always waiting. That’s my problem.
  • I have faith & hope, nothing else!
  • The past is in the past.
  • Nice girls lose out … always!
  • Sassy single mum. Proud of it!
  • Don’t give up climbing the tree.
  • Knock me down, I bounce back!
  • I love cuddles and my PJs.
  • Life’s a rollercoaster. Enjoy the ride!
  • I trust you. Don’t disappoint me.
  • I’m thankful and grateful every day.

Your turn 😉

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A-Z of Life – Bravery

What does being brave mean to you?pooh

Does it conjure up images of heroic people doing daring feats of rescue?

Or could it be something as simple as just doing something a bit out of your comfort zone?

We may not have to rescue people from burning buildings, or “go over the top” to face the enemy whilst fighting for “king and country”, but many of us face dragons and demons every single day.

And surely that makes us just as brave as when we take a chance on something (or someone) we believe in, stand up to our fears, do something that will make a difference or simply just decide that we will not be beaten.

For years I believed I was fighting so many demons I couldn’t list them all, but in the end I realised that the only reason the demons were there in the first place was because I had put them there, and the only person I was really fighting was me.

So I had to be brave. Somehow I had take that first step to reclaim my own personal power and vanquish the demons forever.

I had to start liking me.

I had to start believing in me again.

And by believing in me, I could start to believe and trust in other people again.

I don’t wish I was brave anymore. I know I am brave. I look at the world with a completely different perspective these days and it is a much sunnier, pleasant place to live.

Life can throw whatever it wants at me, and I’ll be ready to grasp each and every opportunity, or curve ball, and make the most out of them.

 

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The A-Z of Life – Opinions

“My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever!”colin-firth111

“That is indeed a failing.”

Possibly one of the more memorable quotes from classic literature from Pride & Prejudice and, of course it means I get an excuse to put a picture of Colin Firth as the gorgeous Mr Darcy on the blog.

But seriously, is it indeed a failing, if your good opinion about something, or someone, is lost and you find it hard to change your mind back again, for want of a better expression?

Let’s take, brussel sprouts, for example. To be honest I actually love them – could quite happily eat a plate with nothing else – in fact I did just that one Christmas…

But obviously for many they are, quite clearly, the food of the devil, vile, little green balls that are like bullets and taste disgusting.

How many people who do not like brussel sprouts, would try them and be honest enough to say, if they did, that they were not too bad – I know that’s going off into the realms of total fantasy, but for the purpose of this exercise is it a failing that they have a bad opinion about brussel sprouts, or is it a failing they may not try them, or is it not actually a failing at all, but merely a case of personal taste being different?

After all we are all different. We cannot all like the same things or indeed have the same opinions about topics like football, politics, who the most beautiful man/woman is in the world, etc.

But that’s things, and in my ‘opinion’ a totally different kettle of fish to people.

If someone betrays your confidence by blabbing your secrets, or the person who said they never wanted to hurt you did just that, or a person pretends to be all sweetness and light to you when all the time they are whispering behind your back is it a failing to not trust that person again?

I don’t trust people easily any more.

And I’m sad that I feel I can’t trust easily any more.

Does that mean I’m a bad person for being cautious about who I confide in after my confidences have been spread around for no more than malicious enjoyment?

Does that mean I’m a bad person for never wanting to trust a man again after all the times I’ve been lied to, let down, used and left heartbroken?

Is it indeed a failing in my psychological make-up that once someone has betrayed me, lost my trust or hurt my feelings that I find it hard to forget?

I can forgive, because that brings my own peace of mind – they know why they did what they did, I can’t change that (no matter how much sometimes I wish I could) – but by forgiving them for hurting me and ensuring another brick gets put up around me I can at least find peace within myself.

I wouldn’t say it was a failing though, because at the end of the day by being cautious about who I trust in the future I am protecting myself – it’s not a foolproof method, but at least I hope it will not make the sting too painful.

And when it comes to football, politics and other such contentious issues I can only quote another famous line from literature “I suggest you stick to two subjects – the weather and everyone’s health!”

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A New Life …

… What I wouldn’t give to have a new life!life-long-quotes

One thing I have learned as I go through life, nothing is for free along the way!

It certainly isn’t. We live, we learn and we lose. My heart is forever paying the price it seems. I work hard and still it seems I am just chasing my tail in circles never getting any closer to that goal.

A new start – that’s the thing I need, to give me new heart.

Half a chance in life to find a new part, just a simple role that I can play.

Think I’ve lost count of the number of times I had to, and tried desperately hard to start again. I’m still searching for my role in this great universe of life, simple or otherwise. Starting over does bring new heart, but only on a temporary basis, all too often the same demons raise their heads again.

A new hope – something to convince me to renew hope!

I’d like to be able to believe more and have more faith in human nature. I think over the years I have been led to mistrust everyone and everything. I try to have faith, but every single body blow kicks just a little bit more faith out of me.

A new day, bright enough to help me find my way!

Where am I going? What am I doing? What’s my purpose in life? Each day I try, and every day it seems I fail!

A new chance – one that maybe has a touch of romance.

Where can it be, the chance for me?

I ask myself that very question? Do we make our own chances in life? Or do they come a-knockin’? If we have to go about making our own chances the first hurdle we need to get over is that one of feeling stupid and a failure if it all goes belly up!

A new dream – I have one

I know that very few dream!

I have dreams and hopes and aspirations and maybe I’m foolish to cling on to them (Mr Wrong No. 2 always made me feel my dreams were worthless) but one day…

I would like to see that overdue dream – even though it never may come true!

A new love – though I know there’s no such thing as true love –

Even so, although I never knew love, still I feel that one dream is my due!

I believe in fairy tales and happy-ever-afters (I read too much) and I have known love. It has given me a glimmer of hope that maybe one day there is a guy out there who is the love of my life, my best friend, my soul mate and the one I can tell all my hopes and dreams too without fear of being thought an idiot! Someone kind, caring and thoughtful, who will wipe the tears away, kiss my forehead, make me laugh and who loves me for me – warts and all.

A new world – this one thing I want to ask of you, world – once! – Before it’s time to say adieu, world! One sweet chance to prove the cynics wrong!

Too right, just a chance to prove to everyone that I’m not the complete loser they think I am! I’m not a loser! Sometimes I make the wrong decisions. Sometimes based on what my heart tells me and sometimes based on what my head tells me – and this encompasses all areas of my life. But all those wrong decisions have led me to learn things and every lesson I learn I grow stronger – so one day all those cynics will be left open-mouthed 😉

A new life – more and more, I’m sure, as I go through life, just to play the game – and to pursue life – just to share its pleasures, and belong!

Why do I feel that I don’t belong? I’ve always felt like an outcast – someone who is merely tolerated. I was never one of the ‘in-crowd’ at school. Even as I’ve gone through life I’ve never fitted in to a mould! That’s all I’ve ever wanted – to fit in and be accepted for who I am!

That’s what I’ve been here for, all along!
Each day’s a brand new life!

It certainly is, every day is fresh, with no mistakes 😉

 

But however many new days there are, that new life is always elusive!

I keep thinking (there’s that darned word again) that it’s obviously me.

And maybe it is.

Maybe over the years I have built up such a barrier around myself and every knock, jibe, heartbreak has just added one more brick in the wall (to quote a famous song!) I was told it was akin to having this big knot of pain and anguish in the centre of my body, that has thickened over the years and resembles tar – sticky, black and difficult to remove.

The trouble is in order to rip out the knot and break down the wall I have to be able to say what and how I feel, but that is easier said than done.

The wall has been there for so many years, it’s impenetrable – a bit like the forest that grew up around Sleeping Beauty’s castle – OK I’m not Sleeping Beauty, but I feel as if I am trapped in a tower and I have no idea how I’m ever going to escape!

[lyrics from “A New Life” from the musical Jekyll & Hyde – one of my favourites]

 

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I’m just an old fashioned girl …

…goes the song.thatched cottage

With an old-fashioned mind. Not sophisticated, I’m the sweet and simple kind.

I don’t do sophisticated. Simple…that’s me 😉

I like old-fashioned 😉

I like the idea of courtship – getting to know someone, what makes them tick, all their idiosyncrasies – I believe if you want to build a firm basis for a relationship, you need to know, understand and accept the other person for who they are.

I like the idea of being wooed – and for me it doesn’t mean flowers and chocolates and expensive dinners and gifts. I’m not easy mind – but I like simple things. A man who can make me laugh even when he tells corny jokes. A man who can bring a smile to my face when I think of them. A man who is content with just cuddles and kisses sometimes. A man who can hold my hand and make me feel like I mean the world to him. A man who doesn’t roll his eyes when I talk to him about problems I may be encountering … I could go on.

But relationships are not all about me, me, me. I know I’ve been in enough where it’s all been about them, them, them.

I like the idea of being part of a team and I’m a firm believer that relationships are about building a solid partnership that works on communication, respect and trust.

… and yes, I want an old-fashioned house with an old-fashioned fence – love old properties, especially thatched with white picket fences and roses round the door 😉

… but you know what – you can keep that old-fashioned millionaire –  I just want someone to be my best friend, who loves me for me and someone who makes me happy 😉

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