Tag Archives: single motherhood

Welcome to Car Wreck Central!

It’s hard trying to play the ‘glad game’ all the time, especially when you feel like everything you touch crumbles into a complete disaster.

I’ve been feeling like that the past couple of days.

No matter how hard I try to stay positive, I’m not managing to, just at this moment in time!

Not that I’m wallowing in self-pity, rather trying to understand why it seems that everything I try to do with my life ends in a car wreck, metaphorically speaking.

I bought into a pre-school activity franchise. Something I totally believe in and something I’m actually quite good at (I hope).

But I’ve been working my backside off for the last 2 years for literally less than nothing. Everything I try to do to increase revenue, doesn’t work.

It’s kind of got to the point where I can either sit in the car wreck, in pain.

Or get the heck out.

On paper, it was a good investment with potential.

In practice (and yes, bearing in mind the current economic climate, etc) it is becoming the proverbial millstone around my neck.

In terms of stress, my level is off the scale. I can’t sleep. I am becoming very apathetic about the whole thing and let’s not even begin to talk about the havoc it is reeking on my skin!

In reality, if truth be told, these type of franchises are only suitable for women who want to earn a little bit of extra income. In my particular franchise, even the best performing franchisee only takes a basic income after all her expenses.

The trouble is, I don’t want it as an extra income, I need it as a main income in order to provide for SC.

Effectively I need a man’s salary!

The sad fact is, the only way I’m going to be able to do that is to go back to what I did pre-SC.

And that means, I lose out on time with him, which was the whole reason for buying the damn franchise in the first place.

I need to provide for him, but that means I won’t be there for him!

And not matter how much I try to feel glad, I can’t.

Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow. After all tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it 😉

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If I could turn back time …

I wouldn’t change a thing. We make our own mistakes to learn from them. There would be no point trying to rewrite history because it won’t stop what, ultimately, will happen.

But wouldn’t it be great to go back in time to get some questions answered?

My dad is very much into his family history. But, wow, how many skeletons inevitably fall out of cupboards. The trouble is with these skeletons, no one is around any more to answer questions, or if they are, either don’t want to talk or feed you a pack of lies.

So, if I had a time machine I would go back to 1935, 1884 and biblical times.

I’d go back to 1935 to find out exactly what happened to my beloved Nan. She had a child out-of-wedlock, a fact which remained hidden until nearly 20 years after her death (someone else tracing their family history). We know my Nan didn’t marry the father, but they were obviously together at the time of the birth because they both registered the birth together and were living at the same house. So what happened? She didn’t marry this guy, he seemed to disappear off the face of the earth. Was he killed? Did he jilt her? The child was fostered or adopted, we aren’t sure. What we have found out about the child from his relatives appear to the a string of elaborate red herrings, every corner my father turns is a blind alley. As for the father, the trail ends at the birth certificate. We have a name, nothing else! Very frustrating.

A similar occurrence happened to my great-great grandmother. She had a child out-of-wedlock. Her father was well-to-do, she had the child in a town and the address she used didn’t exist. The child was brought up by another couple – why, my father doesn’t know. He is surmising that the husband was the father of the child, but that’s just a common-sense stab-stab-in-the-dark guess. Why else would strangers bring up a child, there are no adoption papers. Were they paid? Who knows. As for my great-great grandmother, well rumour has it she went to the States. But can my dad find any trace of her. No. Not even her passage there. Time travel would be such a useful thing to answer these questions for him. I cannot think of another way to find out the information he so sorely would like to find out.

Finally, a bit silly this one, but I’d like to go back to biblical times. Now, I am big Da Vinci Code fan, loved the book and loved the film, but I was in church last week, it happened to be the Feast of Mary Magdalene, and the vicar in the opening of the sermon poo-pooed the Da Vinci link between Mary Magdalene and Jesus as complete poppycock, twaddle and nonsense. But how does he know? That is where the big debate lies and has been going on for centuries. So wouldn’t it be great to go back and find out the truth once and for all?

If you had a time machine what would you do?

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Top 5 Assumptions People make about Me

Top 5 assumptions people make about me:

  1. I’m a single mum, so I must be easy – this is soooo not the case. As I pointed out before being a single mum was not a career choice, I would prefer to be in the stereotypical normal loving relationship with 2.4 children. I’m not, but this does not make me easy. In fact in my 40 years on this planet I have slept with 5 guys – that’s it. Just 5! Does that make me easy, when young women these days seem to be sleeping with a different man every weekend? I have kissed a lot more. Oh yes, way more, BUT I would like to stress that it was only kissing, nothing went any further than that. But I have only slept with 5 – first time I was 21, 2nd was somewhere in my mid-20s, 3rd was my first love (that’s right I didn’t sleep with him when I first went out with him, it was about the 4th attempt of being together (complete disaster)), 4th was Mr Wrong No 1 and 5th was Mr Wrong No. 2. If it happens that I meet a nice, handsome guy it will only happen if and when it feels right. It will mean everything, not nothing. And be special!
  2. I’m an idiot – they don’t think I’m dumb, but they just don’t think I’m very bright 😉 I feel it’s easier to let them think this. Saves a lot of hassle in the long run. I’m not. I know my own mind, have my own opinions and can, at times, be very blunt. I will call a spade a spade!
  3. They think I’m something I’m not – Rita Hayworth always said that people went to bed with Gilda, but woke up with her and were disappointed. A lot of people think this way about me. Not, obviously, because I anyway near resemble that beautiful lady, but most of the parts I have played on stage (locally, I hasten to add, I’m not Angelina Jolie in disguise) have been strong, sexy, vampish types. I am not like this at all.  I am very shy around people I do not know, especially in social situations. I open up only when I feel safe and comfortable in someone’s company. I was bullied at school, and have been squashed like a cabbage leaf to such an extent that any spark I had vanished. It has only just started coming back. I am happy in my own mind, I am at peace with my life and I look forward to whatever chance throws my way But I am not that sexy lady people see on stage – that’s a part, they aren’t my words, they’ve been written. It’s easier to play a part that is so far removed from what you are really like, than someone who is almost like you.
  4. I ‘have it easy’ because I live with my parents – I live with my parents because I have no where else to go. I will never, ever be able to repay my parents for taking me and SC in. They should be enjoying retirement, not having a small child running around the place 24 hours a day. But at the moment I cannot afford to live anywhere else. Don’t think, like everyone else, that I get everything done for me. Because I don’t. I do the cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing for all of us, and the gardening. I am also trying to build up business so I can afford to get a place of our own and I am in sole charge of SC because he’s my responsibility, not my parent’s. I do not go out every night of the week, getting drunk and abusing their generosity. I go out twice a week. To dance class and rehearsal. Occasionally, and it is very rare I go out at the weekends, it’s usually with my mum to the theatre. But that happens maybe two or three times a year. If I am asked to go out, when pigs are generally flying underneath a blue moon, I always ask my parents, out of politeness more than permission. My mum is always encouraging me to go out and enjoy myself if I have the chance 😉
  5. I can be treated anyway they choose – sometimes people think it doesn’t seem to matter what they say to me, however hurtful their remarks. After all, it’s only me, I don’t have feelings, I deserve to be treated like something they just trod in. I might brush off comments, with a laugh or a quick quip back, but that doesn’t mean I’m not hurting inside. Laughter is my defence mechanism. Don’t let them see they’ve hurt you, or they’ll do it all the more. Laugh it off and they’ll get bored. But that doesn’t mean that when I get home I don’t feel sad about what’s been said. It doesn’t stop me thinking about those remarks, and over-analysing situations, coming to my own conclusions that maybe they’re right and I don’t deserve any happiness. I’ve said before that I think way too much, I’ve only got my own thoughts to talk to and this thinking eats away at me. Here are my top 3 comments I’ve been subjected to: “The only person to go out with you must be drunk, blind or certifiable”, “I pity the poor man who ends up with you” and my favourite said by Mr Wrong No. 2 (I had known him for 10 years before we got together) “When I first met you, even though I was married I thought if I was to have an affair it would be with someone like you!” Charming, eh? (He obviously made assumption number 3)

Everyone makes assumptions – based on a variety of things. But assumptions are just that – assumptions, thought processes evolved from assessing a situation at face value without asking questions.

The more we question, the more we find out and the more we learn.

 

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