Tag Archives: reality

A-Z of Life – Faith

faithDon’t worry, I’m not going to write about religion … that kind of faith.

Rather I’m going to witter on about the other definition of the word.

Faith – complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

Previously in the life of this Wonderful Geekette I was too sceptical (what do they want from me?), too judgmental (who do they think they are?), too critical (how dare you?) and too untrusting (I don’t believe you!).

Based purely on life experiences that had led me to believe, rightly or wrongly, that other people were always going to hurt, misuse and abuse me – for want of a better expression – in one way or another if I let them get close.

And, as for me I never even had faith in me, either my own abilities or opinions.

So I just hid away behind my brick wall of safety that I built up around me, letting life pass me by. Afraid of everything and everyone, because each time I did poke my nose above the parapet to take a sniff at the outside world something and/or someone would have me diving back for cover and building yet another layer on the wall.

But then, a couple of years ago (as I’ve said many times), I knew I had to get my act together.

To quote Anne of Green Gables “you’ve shut out life … and now life is shutting you out.” And I was, by hiding away I was shutting out life and doing nothing but existing.

One of the many self-help books I read basically repeated the time old saying that our thoughts become reality and we become what we think.

And I didn’t want to end up that sad, mad (well, no crazier than normal), bitter and twisted old biddy with no kind word to say about anything or anyone – believe me, I think I was on that road.

More importantly, I didn’t want my lack of faith in humanity rubbing off on SC.

So, like everything else I have done over the last couple of years to get from where I was to my present state I have had to start trusting and believing in life and people.

I have learned that life will have ups and downs, but the downs will only make you down if you let them.

I have learned to take the downs as lessons that I can learn from and grow and have faith that there is something better for me down the road.

I have learned to trust other people, although I’m still a little unsure and it takes me a while to fully open up. And by putting my trust in them I know that sometimes I may be proved wrong, but if that happens then I can’t change anything, so as they say I “don’t even worry about it!”

I have learned that not everyone will understand me and not everyone will like me. I get that now, so I’ve given up trying to please everyone, the only person I try to please is me.

I have learned to have faith, that the world is not so scary and that life is an adventure to be lived.

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The A-Z of Life – Loneliness

I have a child who depends on me and who I love more than anything – and yet I am alone.

I have been alone all my life.

I have had friends, for sure. But at one time or another, one by one they have all stabbed me in the back in some way.

Bar two – my best friend, who lives abroad and I don’t see very often, and my best ‘mummy’ friend who I love having a natter with and putting the world to rights – I have never had the kind of friendships that are lasting.

I have always been sidelined, substituted or pretty much just ignored like a leper.

To put a brave face on things I have always smiled and made a joke that it’s just, and always will be, me, myself & I.

I never expected it to come true.

I don’t want to be alone.

I don’t want to feel lost.

I don’t want to feel afraid.

I don’t want to end up talking to the walls.

Loneliness isn’t a figment of people’s imagination it is a harsh reality.

Here’s a link to a poem I wrote a couple of years ago

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The A-Z of Life – Ignorance

They say ‘ignorance is bliss’ignorance

But if we turn the proverbial blind eye, pretend not to notice what is happening, think merely that we are imagining things and that everything really is all right, then who are we actually trying to fool?

Ourselves, or the world?

If we carry on fooling ourselves then there must come a point when reality is bound to hit home, and the imaginings become a glaring and stark reality.

If we carry on fooling ourselves for too long then sometimes it may be too late to reverse any situation we may find ourselves in.

If we carry on fooling ourselves and the world who will end up getting more hurt?

We all make mistakes in life, and sometimes even trying to rectify situations doesn’t actually alter the final outcome.

Destiny and fate will ultimately bring us to where we were meant to arrive.

But do we act like the ostrich and bury our heads in the sand, wishing and hoping for a different outcome?

Or do we confront our fears and demons?

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The A-Z of Life – Acceptance

We need to be able to accept ourselves for who we are and what we are.

Otherwise we are just living a lie.

Why do we feel we have to put up smoke screens to hide our true selves?

Is it because we are afraid that other people won’t like what they see?

Is it because we want to live the same life as other people because their lives look so much more attractive that our reality?

We all have flaws!

It’s taken me a long time, but I have reached the stage where I am comfortable with who I am.

  • I’m never going to win any awards in the glamour stakes – I very rarely wear make-up, if pushed mascara and lip gloss (a girl’s best friend)
  • I am too nice and caring for my own bloody good sometimes – which would account for why I always get hurt, trampled over and treated like I don’t matter – and yes, I might end up bruised and battle-scarred, but if I had a choice between being a complete b***h and me, I wouldn’t change a thing.
  • I am comfortable expressing how I feel most of the time – both physically and vocally – and this can make people feel uncomfortable. But you know what? I don’t want to feel I have to hide my feelings away because surely sharing is a good thing. I never say things for effect, or for a reaction, I’m purely just saying how I feel. Is that so wrong? From my perspective, I feel that we are taught to stifle our emotions as we grow up for fear of being seen as weak and pathetic, or we hide our emotions so people can’t see how much they are hurting us, which then overspills into hiding all emotions. Which is so wrong. I was bullied and I hid my emotions, and ended up just using humour as a get-out clause, by making a joke about myself before anyone else could. Stuff like “I’d be dangerous if I had a brain, but guess we’re all safe on that one!”, or my personal favourite “yup, I tend to throw up when I look at me too!” Sometimes though the opposite is true. I say I’m fine, when in reality I’m hurting like hell – but that’s just the protective barriers going back up.
  • I over-analyse everything – worrying about things I might have done, event though I didn’t do anything, this does nothing for my stress levels! But at the end of the day, it’s always my fault!
  • I am not comfortable in large crowds – I feel suffocated.
  • I am never going to amount to much – however hard I try!

The other side to acceptance is accepting other people.

It cannot be a one-way street.

If you want people to accept you, you have to accept them – flaws and all.

And maybe the world might not seem quite so unfriendly if we did!

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Do You Deserve Everything You Get?

Someone said to me yesterday that I deserved everything I got!

This was said with malice, I hasten to add.

And that got me thinking, do I, or anyone else come to think of it, deserve what they get in life?

And thinking further is it actually what we deserve, or merely a physical manifestation of our innermost wants, which we ourselves are oblivious of until such time as ‘we get what we deserve’?

And without getting too philosophical or psychological is it perhaps the universe giving us what it knows we can handle?

I remember watching a film, think it was “The Wedding Date”, with Debra Messing (her off Will & Grace) and the father, played by the rather swoonsome Paul Egan, said to Debra Messing’s character that women get the love life they want.

So men, or women who get treated badly, is it because they want to be treated badly, or is it because they have such low self-esteem that they think they don’t deserve to be treated well?

And that got me thinking again? (And we all know how much I think, and boy has it given me a stinker of a headache!!)

So, I tried to take the philosophy that what we get is merely a physical manifestation of our innermost wants and apply it to some areas of my life.

And here’s what I came up with:

Love

Being a true romantic at heart, with a head full of fairy-tales, I believe in there being a Prince Charming out there somewhere.

In reality though I know Prince Charming doesn’t exist. So maybe, when I thought I’d got close to that fairytale, it was with someone I knew, deep down, could and would never be mine? So I got the fairytale in my imagination, but being reality it never really existed in the first place!

Life

I obviously didn’t set out to be a single-mother, but that is the situation I find myself in. Is this merely a physical manifestation of the fact that I thrive on a challenge and find ‘normality’ tedious? I suppose that could be true – after all I was constantly on the move in my career pre-SC – not that I have any lingering wishes towards Mr Wrong No. 2, far from it. Maybe the Universe dealt me this card because it knew I had the wherewithal to cope – although some days I seriously doubt its judgement!

Work

Nothing is ever handed to anyone, and you have to work for what you want. There are no quick wins to fame or fortune, so to speak, except through hard work. That’s what makes slogging your guts out worthwhile, when you can see the results of all that hard work. Sometimes it takes a lifetime. And again, maybe deep down the reason I keep going, is because I’m not a quitter and I just want to prove everyone wrong – just once – and show that I can do it!

It’s not a perfect explanation, but at least its got the thoughts out of my head, and relieved some of the headache!

I don’t believe we deserve what we get!

I believe we all have the power to overcome anything in life, if we choose too, rather than sitting down, doing nothing and letting life pass us by.

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Loneliness

Lonely is when you have no one to talk to,

Lonely is when you have no one to help share the load,

Lonely is when you need help, but no one seems to know or care,

Lonely is when your friends seem to have deserted you, even though you’ve always been there for them

Lonely is when you live your life through imagined conversations,

Lonely is when your dreams are more real than reality,

Lonely is not a state of mind, lonely is a reality.

[2011]

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Dreams -v- Reality (A Fairy Story)

“You’re all the same, you girls” said the rather over-worked Fairy Godmother, as she came across Princess Rosie looking rather subdued.

“You all dream about a fairytale with a happy ever after, my life is no fairytale I can assure you of that! What’s wrong then my dear?”

“I’m so confused,” answered Princess Rosie, “he said he loved me and then in the next breath said I should find someone better!”

“Oh!” said her Fairy Godmother, “then, my dear he does not deserve you.”

“But I miss him,” Princess Rosie whispered.

“Mmmm. Do you miss him, or just the thought of him?”

Princess Rosie thought for a while.

“I miss him,” she said.

“Really?” asked her Fairy Godmother.

“Yes! I know I only knew him for a short while Fairy Godmother, but I miss his quirky sense of humour. I miss his smile. I miss the sound of his feet scuffing along the pavement as he walks. I miss the bad cups of tea he made and I miss the notes he used to send me about nothing in particular.”

“I know it’s hard, my dear,” replied her Fairy Godmother, “but these feelings will pass. We have to have 2 boxes of past events to close. One for the memories and one for the feelings and emotions. The memory box is always much easier to shut than the feeling box. Trust me though, it does get easier.”

“Was everything he told me just lies then?” asked Princess Rosie.

“That is something we will never know, my dear. I’m too long in the tooth for my head to be full of romantic notions of hearts and flowers. My guess is he isn’t even giving you a second thought, and even if he is, my advice would be to believe it all as lies – it will make the feelings box easier to close.”

“You know what,” said Princess Rosie, “I had this silly idea that he would come back. Just a small thought at the back of my mind. But a glimmer of hope at least. What an idiot I am?”

“No, not an idiot,” replied the Fairy Godmother, “just a little foolish and naive in believing that fairytales really do exist.”

“Why is it fairy Godmother,” sobbed Princess Rosie, “that dreams are so much rosier than reality?”

“Because, my dear,” answered the old Fairy slowly, “in our dreams we have hope, but when we wake up to the cold light of reality we realise we have nothing.”

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