Tag Archives: pain

Friday Poem – Wasted Tears

tearsA truly beautiful poem by a poet called Tiger Lily Love.

When I read it, it struck so many chords. I have shed these tears in the poem and only now can I see that they were wasted.

I shed tears over things that weren’t my fault, yet I was made to feel as if they were.

I shed tears over what I thought was a lost love, only to realise looking back that it was never that in the first place.

All those tears and all that blaming myself and beating myself up was just a waste of time.

It has taken time but I have finally let go of all the misery just as the poem says.

I (like everyone else on this planet) deserve to be here, deserve to be loved for who I am (a bookish geek with a kind heart), deserve to be treated properly and not like an option (I am a destination not a stop along the way).

I create my own happiness and I enjoy life and whatever it throws at me.

So, here is the poem…

Wasted Tears

At the height of my hysteria
While I was yet again choking on my tears

I realized just how many tears
I’ve shed for all of you
Over the years

Wasted is how I view them
Because wasted is what they are

And each tear plummeted down my face
It left behind a never fading scar

My precious tears none of you deserved
And the satisfaction of knowing I’ve shed then
Is what you’ve gained

But none of you care in the least
That shedding those tears
cruelly caused me so much pain

So I dry my eyes for the last time
And I hope you enjoyed that last show

Because I’m done wasting my tears on you
And am letting you-
And all of the misery
Go

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Bloody Hormones (Part 5)

…or the one where Colposcopy Central leads to Biopsy Boulevard!!!

The good news is the bleeding is definitely uterine and not cervical – hoorah!

The nurses were totally lovely this morning, but bloody hell! What a ride – I have now got a serious headache!!!

[Note – if you’re squeamish I suggest you switch pages now!]

After my legs were comfortably (?) positioned in stirrups a speculum was inserted so everyone could get a good look (on the TV monitor) of my cervix.

After having a good look, the informed me that the bleeding was definitely not coming from the cervix.

Then she put some liquid into the area and then swabbed with iodine – so then she informed me she needed to do a biopsy.

My head at this stage was swimming – information overload, my brain simply could not cope. I was having an internal stress meltdown.

BUT

OH MY F****** GOD!

Painful and hurt are not two words I would use to describe it.

I was clenching the chair so hard my knuckled went white, I physically stopped breathing that another nurse had to tell me to breath, the sound was awful and the pain was excruciating.

The sound was literally the sound that nail clippers make – and then couple that with effectively nail clippers cutting chunks of your skin – you can maybe understand why I screamed – rather loudly, and let’s just say I turned the air a lovely shade of blue.

I swear to God, that the 2nd time she did it I felt blood splatter onto my legs.

I do remember at one point simply saying, “please can I just have a hysterectomy now!”

And the scream that came out on the 3rd go made another nurse say “what are you doing?” and I dread to think what the patients sitting outside felt!

Let’s just say it took an awful lot of swabbing to stem the blood flow.

My mum (who thankfully came with me) couldn’t understand why the area wasn’t numbed first.

Anyway, apparently the biopsy was done to determine whether any cells were in the pre-formation of cancerous cells stage – that freaked me out even more since I’d had a smear less than 3 months previously which had shown up completely clear!

So, I now have to go back to the doctors to make an appointment for a scan to see what is causing the bleeding (4 weeks now and counting).

I think I’ll just book a ticket to Hysterectomy Harbour and get it over with!

My stress levels are at critical – no wonder I have a headache and feel sick!

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Body Piercings

I will admit upfront that I am too chicken to even have my ears pierced.

I was also under the naïve understanding that as far as piercings went you could do ears, eyebrows, nose, tongue, belly button, undercarriage, and that was the extent of my knowledge.

But today my eyes have been well and truly opened up.

I was chatting with some girls at work, who said that pretty much anywhere went these days, and they were discussing having piercings on their arms and neck.

My eyes watered at the mere thought.

How on earth would you get your arm pierced – I thought you would need a very large pin! But no! I was mistaken. Apparently, from what I understood, they pop a whole in your arm and then scrape out surrounding skin before placing the piercing in. OUCH! It looks very pretty, one of the girls already had one, “but,” I enquired, ” couldn’t you just use some glue and stick a diamanté sequin on your arm instead. It’s a lot less painful, and you can take it off?”

These, seemingly, extreme body piercings seem to be all the rage. From piercings on your neck and arms, to more elaborate piercings, such as all down your spine, or side and then using ribbon to connect each piercing, to give the effect of lacing up a corset. Again, surely just buying a corset would be a lot less painful.

But, what about infection? Can you just remove these piercings, like you can ears and nose, to change the stud? No, would be the answer. It would appear these can only be removed by the piercing specialist who put it in.

Now, like I said, I’m too chicken to have my ears pierced – can give birth without drugs, but don’t ask me to stick a needle in my ear! But seriously, why would anyone put themselves through something like it – I just don’t understand. Is it art? Is it beauty?

Have a look at some of these photos and let me know what you think. Would you?

bp1 bp2 bp4bp3

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Friday Poem – I Speak Not

“I Speak Not”, a poem by Lord George Gordon Byron one of the leading figures in the Romantic Movement!

 

I Speak Not

I speak not, I trace not, I breathe not thy name;
There is grief in the sound, there is guilt in the fame;
But the tear that now burns on my cheek may impart
The deep thoughts that dwell in that silence of heart.
Too brief for our passion, too long for our peace,
Were those hours – can their joy or their bitterness cease?
We repent, we abjure, we will break from our chain, –
We will part, we will fly to – unite it again!
Oh! thine be the gladness, and mine be the guilt!
Forgive me, adored one! – forsake if thou wilt;
But the heart which is thine shall expire undebased,
And man shall not break it – whatever thou may’st.
And stern to the haughty, but humble to thee,
This soul in its bitterest blackness shall be;
And our days seem as swift, and our moments more sweet,
With thee at my side, than with worlds at our feet.
One sigh of thy sorrow, one look of thy love,
Shall turn me or fix, shall reward or reprove.
And the heartless may wonder at all I resign –
Thy lips shall reply, not to them, but to mine.

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A New Life …

… What I wouldn’t give to have a new life!life-long-quotes

One thing I have learned as I go through life, nothing is for free along the way!

It certainly isn’t. We live, we learn and we lose. My heart is forever paying the price it seems. I work hard and still it seems I am just chasing my tail in circles never getting any closer to that goal.

A new start – that’s the thing I need, to give me new heart.

Half a chance in life to find a new part, just a simple role that I can play.

Think I’ve lost count of the number of times I had to, and tried desperately hard to start again. I’m still searching for my role in this great universe of life, simple or otherwise. Starting over does bring new heart, but only on a temporary basis, all too often the same demons raise their heads again.

A new hope – something to convince me to renew hope!

I’d like to be able to believe more and have more faith in human nature. I think over the years I have been led to mistrust everyone and everything. I try to have faith, but every single body blow kicks just a little bit more faith out of me.

A new day, bright enough to help me find my way!

Where am I going? What am I doing? What’s my purpose in life? Each day I try, and every day it seems I fail!

A new chance – one that maybe has a touch of romance.

Where can it be, the chance for me?

I ask myself that very question? Do we make our own chances in life? Or do they come a-knockin’? If we have to go about making our own chances the first hurdle we need to get over is that one of feeling stupid and a failure if it all goes belly up!

A new dream – I have one

I know that very few dream!

I have dreams and hopes and aspirations and maybe I’m foolish to cling on to them (Mr Wrong No. 2 always made me feel my dreams were worthless) but one day…

I would like to see that overdue dream – even though it never may come true!

A new love – though I know there’s no such thing as true love –

Even so, although I never knew love, still I feel that one dream is my due!

I believe in fairy tales and happy-ever-afters (I read too much) and I have known love. It has given me a glimmer of hope that maybe one day there is a guy out there who is the love of my life, my best friend, my soul mate and the one I can tell all my hopes and dreams too without fear of being thought an idiot! Someone kind, caring and thoughtful, who will wipe the tears away, kiss my forehead, make me laugh and who loves me for me – warts and all.

A new world – this one thing I want to ask of you, world – once! – Before it’s time to say adieu, world! One sweet chance to prove the cynics wrong!

Too right, just a chance to prove to everyone that I’m not the complete loser they think I am! I’m not a loser! Sometimes I make the wrong decisions. Sometimes based on what my heart tells me and sometimes based on what my head tells me – and this encompasses all areas of my life. But all those wrong decisions have led me to learn things and every lesson I learn I grow stronger – so one day all those cynics will be left open-mouthed 😉

A new life – more and more, I’m sure, as I go through life, just to play the game – and to pursue life – just to share its pleasures, and belong!

Why do I feel that I don’t belong? I’ve always felt like an outcast – someone who is merely tolerated. I was never one of the ‘in-crowd’ at school. Even as I’ve gone through life I’ve never fitted in to a mould! That’s all I’ve ever wanted – to fit in and be accepted for who I am!

That’s what I’ve been here for, all along!
Each day’s a brand new life!

It certainly is, every day is fresh, with no mistakes 😉

 

But however many new days there are, that new life is always elusive!

I keep thinking (there’s that darned word again) that it’s obviously me.

And maybe it is.

Maybe over the years I have built up such a barrier around myself and every knock, jibe, heartbreak has just added one more brick in the wall (to quote a famous song!) I was told it was akin to having this big knot of pain and anguish in the centre of my body, that has thickened over the years and resembles tar – sticky, black and difficult to remove.

The trouble is in order to rip out the knot and break down the wall I have to be able to say what and how I feel, but that is easier said than done.

The wall has been there for so many years, it’s impenetrable – a bit like the forest that grew up around Sleeping Beauty’s castle – OK I’m not Sleeping Beauty, but I feel as if I am trapped in a tower and I have no idea how I’m ever going to escape!

[lyrics from “A New Life” from the musical Jekyll & Hyde – one of my favourites]

 

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Bucket List #25 – Eyebrow Threading

Big fat – DONE IT!Eyebrow Threading

I had my eyebrows threaded yesterday.

I was a bit wary after having heard reports from it hurting only slightly less than childbirth to feeling like your eyes were being cut with glass!

I used to have my eyebrows waxed in the very dim and distant past, and I always used to find it disconcerting. It is the only part of you, where you cannot see what is going on with the waxing and you feel like the beautician is going to scalp the eyebrow when it feels like she is tweezing everything to Kingdom Come!

So, I lay down on the couch, breathed deeply and waited…

Whoever said it hurt – LIED!

It was no more painful than waxing, and was over within 5 minutes.

Seriously what is all the fuss about?

I’ll probably go back to waxing, it really did not make much difference – considering the girl who did it still used tweezers to get the stubborn bits out!

Still, at least I can now say I’ve had it done.

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Stripped Bare

…or we could call it “The Hollywood (Part 2)”

I’m doing something in next month which requires me to wear a very skimpy outfit, so I decided that this would call for the ‘lady garden’ to be, not just pruned, but stripped bare.

Now, considering my only other Hollywood wax was when I was 8½ months pregnant, I was a little bit apprehensive. After all, then I was left bruised, sore and unable to walk without pain for 2 days!

With this in the back of my mind, I didn’t want to wait until the last-minute to have it done, just in case.

But this morning it was all whipped away with the minimum amount of fuss and, more thankfully, not much pain. I have legs, underarms, eyebrows and bikini line waxed – and there is always some degree of pain. Obviously the more you have this done, the less the pain becomes as you become used to the treatment. But, apart from a couple of ouches, it was not a horrendous, unpleasant, never-to-be-repeated process.

I have to say, I think it probably has something to do with the person doing the waxing – after all if they are experienced, then they know what they are doing and can tell you exactly which way to stretch, where to put your leg, etc – and yes, it can resemble a scene out of ‘Sex and the City’.

…and yes, I probably will have it done again now 😉

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