Tag Archives: opportunity

Being Me

“Be yourself!”

Isn’t that what we’re always told when we’re growing up?

But yet, when we are ourselves, if we don’t ‘fit in’ to society’s nice little pigeon holes we are derided, ridiculed, shunned and made to feel worthless.

Just because we dared to be ourselves. Dared to be different.

That’s when we start to hide our true selves, hide behind a mask, hide behind a façade, hide our feelings from the world, scared to let the world see the real us.

I’ve spent most of my life apologising.

Apologising for what? Apologising for being me and then trying desperately to be something and someone that I’m just clearly not meant to be.

I built up walls around myself to protect me from everything – life, people, the world, myself – but those walls kept me a prisoner.

I was afraid to be me.

And yet life went on. The world kept spinning, time kept marching on and I just existed.

But. And it’s a big but.

I realised in the end you have to be yourself, otherwise you are just living a lie.

As I said in my 1st post of this new blog, over the past couple of years I have undergone a transformation. I have been Joshua and those walls of Jericho have come tumbling down.

I have forgiven myself and come to love who I am.

I have learned from mistakes past and grown.

I always look on the bright side and try to see the kindness in others.

I try to start each day on a positive note and am thankful for everything I am and everything I have.

For sure there are days when I do let things get to me, but instead of worrying, hiding or beating myself up, I just let life flow and make the most of every opportunity or curve ball life throws me.

I know I’m not perfect and I’m not even pretending I am, but I’m right now I feel more alive than I have ever done … and it’s a great feeling 😉

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A New Life …

… What I wouldn’t give to have a new life!life-long-quotes

One thing I have learned as I go through life, nothing is for free along the way!

It certainly isn’t. We live, we learn and we lose. My heart is forever paying the price it seems. I work hard and still it seems I am just chasing my tail in circles never getting any closer to that goal.

A new start – that’s the thing I need, to give me new heart.

Half a chance in life to find a new part, just a simple role that I can play.

Think I’ve lost count of the number of times I had to, and tried desperately hard to start again. I’m still searching for my role in this great universe of life, simple or otherwise. Starting over does bring new heart, but only on a temporary basis, all too often the same demons raise their heads again.

A new hope – something to convince me to renew hope!

I’d like to be able to believe more and have more faith in human nature. I think over the years I have been led to mistrust everyone and everything. I try to have faith, but every single body blow kicks just a little bit more faith out of me.

A new day, bright enough to help me find my way!

Where am I going? What am I doing? What’s my purpose in life? Each day I try, and every day it seems I fail!

A new chance – one that maybe has a touch of romance.

Where can it be, the chance for me?

I ask myself that very question? Do we make our own chances in life? Or do they come a-knockin’? If we have to go about making our own chances the first hurdle we need to get over is that one of feeling stupid and a failure if it all goes belly up!

A new dream – I have one

I know that very few dream!

I have dreams and hopes and aspirations and maybe I’m foolish to cling on to them (Mr Wrong No. 2 always made me feel my dreams were worthless) but one day…

I would like to see that overdue dream – even though it never may come true!

A new love – though I know there’s no such thing as true love –

Even so, although I never knew love, still I feel that one dream is my due!

I believe in fairy tales and happy-ever-afters (I read too much) and I have known love. It has given me a glimmer of hope that maybe one day there is a guy out there who is the love of my life, my best friend, my soul mate and the one I can tell all my hopes and dreams too without fear of being thought an idiot! Someone kind, caring and thoughtful, who will wipe the tears away, kiss my forehead, make me laugh and who loves me for me – warts and all.

A new world – this one thing I want to ask of you, world – once! – Before it’s time to say adieu, world! One sweet chance to prove the cynics wrong!

Too right, just a chance to prove to everyone that I’m not the complete loser they think I am! I’m not a loser! Sometimes I make the wrong decisions. Sometimes based on what my heart tells me and sometimes based on what my head tells me – and this encompasses all areas of my life. But all those wrong decisions have led me to learn things and every lesson I learn I grow stronger – so one day all those cynics will be left open-mouthed 😉

A new life – more and more, I’m sure, as I go through life, just to play the game – and to pursue life – just to share its pleasures, and belong!

Why do I feel that I don’t belong? I’ve always felt like an outcast – someone who is merely tolerated. I was never one of the ‘in-crowd’ at school. Even as I’ve gone through life I’ve never fitted in to a mould! That’s all I’ve ever wanted – to fit in and be accepted for who I am!

That’s what I’ve been here for, all along!
Each day’s a brand new life!

It certainly is, every day is fresh, with no mistakes 😉

 

But however many new days there are, that new life is always elusive!

I keep thinking (there’s that darned word again) that it’s obviously me.

And maybe it is.

Maybe over the years I have built up such a barrier around myself and every knock, jibe, heartbreak has just added one more brick in the wall (to quote a famous song!) I was told it was akin to having this big knot of pain and anguish in the centre of my body, that has thickened over the years and resembles tar – sticky, black and difficult to remove.

The trouble is in order to rip out the knot and break down the wall I have to be able to say what and how I feel, but that is easier said than done.

The wall has been there for so many years, it’s impenetrable – a bit like the forest that grew up around Sleeping Beauty’s castle – OK I’m not Sleeping Beauty, but I feel as if I am trapped in a tower and I have no idea how I’m ever going to escape!

[lyrics from “A New Life” from the musical Jekyll & Hyde – one of my favourites]

 

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Wrath

Wrath in its purest form (according to Wikipedia) “presents with self-destructiveness, violence and hate that may provoke feuds that can go on for centuries. Wrath may exist long after the person who did another a grievous wrong is dead.”

Reading that description from Wikipedia made me think of two things in particular.

One “Romeo and Juliet”. We know that the Montagues and Capulets were sworn enemies, but we don’t know (unless my memory is playing tricks, it’s a fair few years since I read Romeo & Juliet) how long they were enemies. So it could have been a family feud that had been going on for centuries – what we do know however, that the outcome of this feuding was the deaths of 2 young people, who did nothing more than fall in love.

The second was the world. Just the three feelings – self-destructiveness, violence and hate. To me the world we are living in right now is angry.

Man is self-destructing.

And how?

We are destroying the very planet we live on by ravaging it – you only have to look at the destruction oil-drilling in the Arctic region has done. Tearing down trees and ripping up countryside to build tower blocks. Pouring waste into the oceans. I could go on.

It’s not global warming that will kill the planet but man’s greed.

Nowhere is safe anymore. Violence seems to be a by-word for life these days. Not a day goes by when there is some horror story emerging about the violence done to one human being by another. What is everyone so angry about? Why can’t we live peacefully and not be afraid that if we go out we might be subjected to a violent assault on our person which would lead to injury and/or death. This is not the way to treat each other.

Violence doesn’t solve anything. It escalates out of control. For example, you hit me, I hit you, you retaliate and hit me with a stick, I find a bigger stick, you get something worse, I get something worse, etc, etc, etc, until someone gets killed!

Violence breeds hate. Or is it hate breeds violence?

What do we hate?

Do we hate each other? Why? Why hate someone you don’t know? How do we learn to hate? Why can’t we learn to love and get along rather than hate? Surely that would make the world a nicer place to live in.

You can’t hate someone just because they have a better job than you, or they support a different football team, or they pray to a different God, or even because they are a different colour. That is wrong in so many ways I can’t begin to express it.

If someone has a better job than you, don’t hate them, aim to get a better job yourself!

If someone supports a different football team, don’t hate them, feel sorry for them by all means, but seriously everyone’s entitled to their own opinions!

If they pray to a different God, don’t hate them, after all, all religion is about love and understanding and above all peace on earth.

At the end of the day though, can we save the world from ourselves and our wrath?

I believe we can, if we take it one step at a time.

If we can maybe, just maybe we can make the world a better place for our children and our children’s children!

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