Tag Archives: lost

Aiming for Perfection…

…it appears I’ve been doing this all my life.

I’ve always been competitive, ever since I was little, I was not going to let anyone beat me.

But the only thing I was fighting, in the end, was myself and my ideals of how things should turn out.

I didn’t fight the bullies. I fought myself. I beat myself up as to why I was targeted.

And fighting against this invisible force, striving for a seemingly ‘perfect life like everyone else’ was the goal.

Yet at the end of the day I didn’t fight, it was just my survival tactic kicking in. By suppressing all the anger I felt and all the fear of losing control if I did get mad, fighting myself and striving for perfection was just me taking back control.

And yet by trying to control my life this way I’ve just been going round and round in those ever decreasing circles, not going anywhere, not succeeding at anything, all the time blaming myself.

Why was I angry?

Because when I was bullied, that was the first time I let anyone beat me!

Without putting up a fight, I just let them win. Overnight I was transformed into a shy, timid little girl, hiding any spark of talent under the nearest and most dense bush!

And whenever something happens in my life that I can’t control, I end up being that little girl again – afraid of her own shadow, afraid of letting others see how I really feel, frightened and lonely.

Oh, I’m very good at putting on a brave face and faking it! I may fool the world into thinking that I have no feelings and I don’t hurt, but behind the sunny smile there is just a lost, frightened little girl.

But, I’ve come to realise that I can’t control everything.

If I do something I can give it my best shot and control my input, but I cannot control the result.

I am going to feel frightened, lost, confused, angry and a whole gamut of emotions, but I just need to ride the emotional tide and not suppress my feelings any more.

And I just need to give myself a break from rowing!

Sit on the boat in the middle of the river and let the current carry me to wherever my destiny lies.

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Sorry Miss, the dog ate my homework!

Obviously, SC doesn’t have a dog so he doesn’t have this excuse.homework excuse

But maths homework duly done at the weekend – when I say homework, it was just colouring in – was put careful with said maths book.

OK, so it was the floor in his bedroom, but I digress, I knew where it was…

Cue, for the homework ghosts!

Yesterday I went to his bedroom to get maths book and homework and stick one in the other, but could I find the piece of paper that had been duly coloured? Oh no? The Homework Ghosts had taken it to that mysterious place in the ether where all homework disappears too.

I looked everywhere.

I searched high and low.

I searched through the recycling pile, shredding pile, all the bits of paper in his room. And yes, I did look through his maths book.

Cursing the Homework Ghost, I told him to please put it back.

But could I find it anywhere?

Nope!

ARGH!!!!!!

Thankfully, it was not too onerous a task to re-print off a page, courtesy of PowerPoint and using triangles and circles, within 5 minutes I had re-created the template, of a sort.

This morning when SC woke up he re-coloured in, which took all of 5 minutes. Then I gathered the paper and book and immediately went in search of sellotape to stick the sheet into the book.

And guess what fluttered out of the book as I opened it?

Yup! You’ve got it. The original bit of paper.

ARGH!!!!

I swear to God it was not in that book yesterday – that Homework Ghost played me for a fool … darn him!

Still, at least the original homework could go into the book and I didn’t have to write a note explaining the “Case of the Mysteriously Vanishing Homework”!

It certainly beats the dog eating it anyway 😉

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The A-Z of Life – Loneliness

I have a child who depends on me and who I love more than anything – and yet I am alone.

I have been alone all my life.

I have had friends, for sure. But at one time or another, one by one they have all stabbed me in the back in some way.

Bar two – my best friend, who lives abroad and I don’t see very often, and my best ‘mummy’ friend who I love having a natter with and putting the world to rights – I have never had the kind of friendships that are lasting.

I have always been sidelined, substituted or pretty much just ignored like a leper.

To put a brave face on things I have always smiled and made a joke that it’s just, and always will be, me, myself & I.

I never expected it to come true.

I don’t want to be alone.

I don’t want to feel lost.

I don’t want to feel afraid.

I don’t want to end up talking to the walls.

Loneliness isn’t a figment of people’s imagination it is a harsh reality.

Here’s a link to a poem I wrote a couple of years ago

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