Tag Archives: lonely

Aiming for Perfection…

…it appears I’ve been doing this all my life.

I’ve always been competitive, ever since I was little, I was not going to let anyone beat me.

But the only thing I was fighting, in the end, was myself and my ideals of how things should turn out.

I didn’t fight the bullies. I fought myself. I beat myself up as to why I was targeted.

And fighting against this invisible force, striving for a seemingly ‘perfect life like everyone else’ was the goal.

Yet at the end of the day I didn’t fight, it was just my survival tactic kicking in. By suppressing all the anger I felt and all the fear of losing control if I did get mad, fighting myself and striving for perfection was just me taking back control.

And yet by trying to control my life this way I’ve just been going round and round in those ever decreasing circles, not going anywhere, not succeeding at anything, all the time blaming myself.

Why was I angry?

Because when I was bullied, that was the first time I let anyone beat me!

Without putting up a fight, I just let them win. Overnight I was transformed into a shy, timid little girl, hiding any spark of talent under the nearest and most dense bush!

And whenever something happens in my life that I can’t control, I end up being that little girl again – afraid of her own shadow, afraid of letting others see how I really feel, frightened and lonely.

Oh, I’m very good at putting on a brave face and faking it! I may fool the world into thinking that I have no feelings and I don’t hurt, but behind the sunny smile there is just a lost, frightened little girl.

But, I’ve come to realise that I can’t control everything.

If I do something I can give it my best shot and control my input, but I cannot control the result.

I am going to feel frightened, lost, confused, angry and a whole gamut of emotions, but I just need to ride the emotional tide and not suppress my feelings any more.

And I just need to give myself a break from rowing!

Sit on the boat in the middle of the river and let the current carry me to wherever my destiny lies.

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The A-Z of Life – Loneliness

I have a child who depends on me and who I love more than anything – and yet I am alone.

I have been alone all my life.

I have had friends, for sure. But at one time or another, one by one they have all stabbed me in the back in some way.

Bar two – my best friend, who lives abroad and I don’t see very often, and my best ‘mummy’ friend who I love having a natter with and putting the world to rights – I have never had the kind of friendships that are lasting.

I have always been sidelined, substituted or pretty much just ignored like a leper.

To put a brave face on things I have always smiled and made a joke that it’s just, and always will be, me, myself & I.

I never expected it to come true.

I don’t want to be alone.

I don’t want to feel lost.

I don’t want to feel afraid.

I don’t want to end up talking to the walls.

Loneliness isn’t a figment of people’s imagination it is a harsh reality.

Here’s a link to a poem I wrote a couple of years ago

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The A-Z of Life – Emotions

… and no I’m not talking about 😉 and 😦 and other variations!facts

We are souls.

We have the power to love, to hate, to cherish, to hurt, to wound, to adore, the list goes on.

What would we be without emotions and feelings?

In my opinion, our emotions are what separate us from robots.

If we didn’t have the capacity to feel, we might as well be made from tin and wires.

Our feelings are what keep us going, make us fight for what we believe in, and what we all dream for.

I have feelings.

Too often mine get hurt.

I’m always the butt of everyone’s jokes.

I’m always the one who’s taken for granted.

I’m always the one that gets the blame.

I’m always the one whose heart gets broken.

I’m always the one who is a good friend.

I’m always the one who is nice!

I’m always the one who is not good enough.

I’m always the one for whom men can never commit to.

I’m always the one who no one really knows.

I’m always the one with a smile on her face and hug to bring comfort to others.

Yet I’m the one who has no one to turn to and is lonely.

But I’m always the one who also never gives up!

Why do we get all these feelings?

Why do we have to hide our feelings?

What happens if we give of our feelings and always get them thrown back in our faces?

Why are we so afraid of expressing our feelings?

What is the worst that can possibly happen?

Feeling a fool, being rejected?

It’s not so bad, you’re still alive.

Yes it hurts, it hurts like hell.

But I would rather someone know how I feel, than not.

After all if people don’t know they cannot react, one way or the other, and you would always end up wondering ‘what if’!

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Loneliness

Lonely is when you have no one to talk to,

Lonely is when you have no one to help share the load,

Lonely is when you need help, but no one seems to know or care,

Lonely is when your friends seem to have deserted you, even though you’ve always been there for them

Lonely is when you live your life through imagined conversations,

Lonely is when your dreams are more real than reality,

Lonely is not a state of mind, lonely is a reality.

[2011]

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