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Letter to SC

To my darling boy

I never knew how much you could love someone until I had you.

I loved you from the moment I found out I was expecting you.

People might think I’m crazy but I talked to you all the time about how much fun we would have and how much I loved you and was looking forward to holding you in my arms.

The first thing I remember after you were born was holding you in my arms thinking how tiny you were and how clumsy I felt. You were so precious and fragile and new, my hands just felt too big and awkward.

But most of all I felt so much love for you, and thanked the angels for sending me the most beautiful gift.

You have grown into an amazing little boy – I am so proud of you.

I’m sorry that you will be an only child. I didn’t want that for you, it’s just the way life has panned out.

And that’s the first lesson I can teach you. That life, sometimes isn’t fair and we don’t always get what we want or think we deserve. You just have to learn to deal with it.

You can either whinge, moan and mope about it, in which case you’ll always be looking back.

Or you can accept the disappointment. It will hurt for a while, but by accepting it you can move on and carry on living and look forward to more wonderful things that await you.

And that’s the second thing I can teach you – never look back, especially with regret or anger. If you do then you are preventing yourself from growing as a person. Sometimes bad things happen in our lives and we can choose to continue to let past hurts affect the present or learn to forgive and leave the past where it belongs as it has no place in the present.

We cannot change the past, we can only learn from mistakes made by ourselves or forgive the actions of others to free ourselves from their chains in order to become happier within ourselves.

Part of the job description of being a parent is guiding you through the path to adulthood by teaching you right from wrong and giving you a good set of morals by which to live. It’s a tricky path and there will be lots of trials and tribulations, but always remember I am there for you. You can tell me anything that’s worrying you and I won’t ever judge. If you stop talking to me, then I can’t help. We are walking the path together and all you have to do is hold my hand and I will help you through.

We’re a team – it’s you and me kiddo.

The third thing I can teach you is to always be yourself. There’s no point in copying the behaviour or actions of others, it does you no favours in the long run. Don’t follow the herd. Always be your own person, know your own mind and be strong. We are all unique individuals with our own special character, talents and faults. We need to be aware of our own talents and faults in equal measure as no one is perfect. If you can acknowledge your own faults, you can help minimise them.

Let people see the real you, and not what you think they want to see. Your true friends will take you for who you are, warts and all, and be there in your time of need. Those who do not, cannot really be said to be friends at all.

The fourth thing I can teach you is to always strive to do your best. Ambition, determination and a will to succeed are not bad assets to have. Nothing in life is ever handed to you on a plate or for free. The only way you can get what you want is by working your hardest for it.

Sometimes ambition, determination and a will to succeed are still not enough. You can give it your all and you might still not get anywhere. This is not a failure though. It is only a failure if you don’t acknowledge that a project has reached its natural conclusion. If you can accept this, then again we learn lessons and we don’t make the same mistakes again.

I will support and encourage you in whatever you want to do. I’m not the type of parent who is going to force my interests on you and make you do something you don’t want to do. We have to find our own things that we enjoy – hobby and work wise. So, if you want to be an astronaut and explore the farthest corner of the galaxy, then you go out there and make it happen 😉

We all have dreams. Dreams are what keep us going in our darkest hours. But sometimes dreams are just that, dreams. I’m not saying you should let go of them, just realise that some dreams won’t come true, however hard you wish 😉 And that’s probably one of the hardest things to learn, but even though a dream won’t come true doesn’t mean you should stop imagining.

And that’s the fifth thing I can teach you. Never let go of your imagination. Without imagination we are nothing. As children we have the most amazing ability to imagine wonderful things and as we grow older convention somehow stifles this creativity. Sometimes though a little imagination goes a long way to solving problems.

The last thing I can teach you is to try to show compassion and kindness to all. It won’t solve all the worlds problems, but by showing empathy it shows you care. Always remember to do as you would be done by.

I love you so much my darling boy, and am trying to be the best mummy I can for you. I’m learning too 😉

xxxx

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Being blunt!

… or calling a spade a spade.

Now most of the time, I pretty much say how I feel. But sometimes I hold back and those are really the times in my life when I wished I could have been more blunt and to the point:

‘Stop your pathetic bullying! Just because I am different to you does not mean I should be treated the way you are treating me!’

‘I am proud to be different. I would rather be me than a sheep! At least I know my own mind, I don’t have to follow the herd.’

‘I’m sorry! You said what? That you’d be ashamed to say you’d never had a permanent job? How very dare you! You didn’t seem to object to my alternative career path when it paid for your holidays and weekends away! And you never minded, just expected, me to dip my hand in my pocket all the time!’

‘Were you chatting the Russian bird up over the Internet before I walked out on you?’

‘Seriously, why did you treat me like s**t?’

‘Oh false friend indeed! I have just realised that you have never been a true friend. Only when you wanted something did you feign interest. You’re not a very nice person and to be honest I won’t miss you in my life.’

‘No, I’m not doing fine on my own, thanks for asking though…not!’

‘No, actually. I didn’t get a scholarship over you just because of my dancing and singing! I got it because, funnily enough, I can act as well, and this is first and foremost a drama school… Clearly, you’re not as good as you puff yourself up to be, or you would have got one!’

‘What do you want from me? You can’t just keep me hanging around, it’s not fair! Make your bl***y mind up. If you like me, do something about it, but don’t hedge your bets!’

‘Will you give over your b****y moaning. So you didn’t get the part you wanted. Do you think that maybe, just maybe, the person that did get the part actually might be better than you. There’s no need for all the nastiness. It’s petty, totally uncalled for, it’s making me feel uncomfortable and showing your true colours. Get over yourself!’

‘I’m not perfect. Does that shock you that I am actually aware of my failings? Question is are you aware of yours?’

‘So you really think that SC doesn’t need you until he’s about 8 or 9? God! Your father obviously instilled some good parenting skills in you…not! You go ahead and think that a**hole, crawl back under your rock from whence you came and leave him alone. Because you know what t***head he doesn’t need you, and when you want SC, he’s going to tell you exactly where to go…and hell won’t be far enough!’

‘Why the f*** do you bother coming to visit SC? You spend all morning checking your watch and spend less than 15 minutes actually engaging with him before you sprawl on the floor/sofa ignoring him. It’s all for show, and if it’s just to soothe your guilty conscience, you know where you can stick it!’

‘Mmm, when you asked me to move in with you, I thought you’d at least make room for me. I wasn’t expecting to live out of a suitcase and plastic bags for 3 years! Is that how you treated your last girlfriend? And why the hell did it take me 3 years to come to my senses? You know what Russian bride is welcome to you. Hope she’s just as selfish as you are!’

‘I’m sorry, did I hear you correctly? Did you just say that if I had an independent midwife and I ended up needing to come to hospital (which believe me would only be in an emergency with me drugged up to the eyeballs) what made me think that I was entitled to use the hospital? Mmm, let me think! How about the fact that I pay more than my fair share in tax and national insurance. I didn’t realise that the NHS wasn’t accessible for everyone, I must have misinterpreted its original purpose in my O’Level history course!’

‘Gee! Thanks for all your help and support whilst I was in labour! Not! Seriously, you think p***ing off, falling asleep and keeping silent was really helpful. Most men (and by men I mean nice guys not a**holes like you) are full of encouraging words and actions. W****r!’

‘We’ve been friends for years, but seriously does that give you the right to be so f***ing insulting? You don’t really know me. You see the person on stage and the roles I play, so you have no right to say you pity the man who ends up with me! Who the hell are you to talk? Have you taken a good look at your own marriage recently?’

‘Shock! Horror! My child is no angel! But seriously, do you really think that’s just because I’m a single mother? With all the c*** he’s been dealt at school (not a week has gone by where he hasn’t been kicked, bitten, hit, or generally abused in some shape or form), not once has he retaliated and hit back! I think that actually makes him a better person, and maybe I’ve actually got something right as a mother!’

‘Did I forget to mention that I’m a very impatient person? I don’t wait for long, so don’t make me!’

 

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