Tag Archives: forgiveness

A-Z of Life – Insecurities

insecuritiesThose little niggles that we all get that we are not good enough, or we’ve done something wrong but we don’t know what (or is that just me?).

Those little worries that just sit there quietly eating away at all the other thoughts in your head.

Until they grow so large they are all you can think of and not only that but they are completely true and you aren’t good enough, and it’s always your fault.

Annoying, aren’t they?

But how do you conquer those little niggling doubts inside your head?

Is it possible?

More importantly though, do you want to?

Personally, I think that if you want to get rid of them, it’s most definitely possible. After all, as Buddha said:

What you think, you become.

What you feel, you attract.

What you imagine, you create.

So, if all you can think and dwell on are insecurities, the wrongs people have done you, etc, etc, etc, then all you attract is more of the bad stuff and none of the good stuff.

But how do you change?

Well, it’s not easy, but it does all start with that very question.

If you know you want things to change, and you know you have to change in order to make that happen, then believe me, you are on the road there.

I have come full circle.

When I was little no one was ever going to beat me – at anything.

And then life happened and I let life beat me. I let everything else control me, but me. I clammed up and hid. I was totally afraid to show any feelings, I was never good enough for anyone, I was never good at anything and even if I showed any hint there was always someone only too willing to slap me back down into my place again.

I spent the best part of my life being afraid.

But then, a couple of years ago I had an epiphany.

It wasn’t one of those Damascene (?) epiphanies, more a case of a culmination of a whole heap of crap (for want of a better word) and me saying “STOP! I’ve had it!”

I knew I couldn’t change other people, but I sure as hell could change myself and how I reacted to certain situations.

Since reading is what I do best, I read and read anything I could get my hands on regarding personal development and changing perspectives. I’ve read about chimps, psychopaths, the universe, gratitude, psychic vibrations, etc. Some brilliant, some good and some not so good.

Little by little I managed to chip away at those in-built insecurities that had been a permanent fixture in my head for more years than I care to remember.

And you know what?

I’ve come to like myself again. I may not be to everyone’s cup of tea, but I’m mine.

I’ve realised that I have a right to be here, just as much as anyone else, and I don’t need to excuse my presence to anyone, especially not me.

What ever happened in the past is exactly where it needs to stay. Firmly in the past. I have learned from everything that has happened to try to make myself a better human being. By forgiving others and equally forgiving myself has lifted that feeling of eternal guilt that I am always in the wrong.

I am responsible for my own happiness, no one else is.

I have learned that I cannot control anything else apart from my actions – and if truth be told, that’s quite a scary one to learn, especially as I don’t like the feeling of uncertainty – but I take a deep breath and enjoy those opportunities and curve balls. After all the fun is in the journey.

I have learned that worrying doesn’t solve anything. It actually makes things worse. By worrying we create problems out of nothing. And going back to Buddha if we are feeling worried, insecure and not in a good place nothing good will come into our lives.

They’ll never completely go away, the fear and insecurities, but by flipping my thinking I have now learned that they are merely opportunities in disguise. A further chance for me grow by casting the ghosts of insecurities past aside and simply trusting.

Never mind Peter Pan saying “to die will be an awfully big adventure”, living is the biggest adventure of all.

Life is amazing.

Life can be wonderful, if we just stop worrying, start trusting, start believing and more importantly love.

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Friday Poem – I Speak Not

“I Speak Not”, a poem by Lord George Gordon Byron one of the leading figures in the Romantic Movement!


I Speak Not

I speak not, I trace not, I breathe not thy name;
There is grief in the sound, there is guilt in the fame;
But the tear that now burns on my cheek may impart
The deep thoughts that dwell in that silence of heart.
Too brief for our passion, too long for our peace,
Were those hours – can their joy or their bitterness cease?
We repent, we abjure, we will break from our chain, –
We will part, we will fly to – unite it again!
Oh! thine be the gladness, and mine be the guilt!
Forgive me, adored one! – forsake if thou wilt;
But the heart which is thine shall expire undebased,
And man shall not break it – whatever thou may’st.
And stern to the haughty, but humble to thee,
This soul in its bitterest blackness shall be;
And our days seem as swift, and our moments more sweet,
With thee at my side, than with worlds at our feet.
One sigh of thy sorrow, one look of thy love,
Shall turn me or fix, shall reward or reprove.
And the heartless may wonder at all I resign –
Thy lips shall reply, not to them, but to mine.

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I Learned by Octavian Paler

I stumbled across this beautiful poem by the Romanian writer Octavian Paler the other day. It’s words are so true I wanted to share them:

We have time …
We have time for everything
To sleep, or to be all over the place,
To regret mistakes and do them again,
To judge others and find excuses for ourselves,

We have time to read and write,
To correct our writings, and regret what we wrote, We have time to make plans and never complete them,
We have time to fantasize about impossible things
and later on to look into the ashes of them.

We have time for ambitions and diseases,
To blame fate and the details,
We have time to watch the clouds, TV commercials and shocking news,
We have time to not answer questions,
To postpone the answers,
We have time to kill a dream and recreate it later
We have time to make friends, and lose them
We have time to get lessons and forget them later on,
We have time to get gifts and not understand them.
We have time for everything.

But we don’t have time for a little kindness.
When one does they are dying.

I learned some important things in my life and I would like to share them with you.
I learned that you can not make somebody love you. All you can do is to be a lovely person, the rest … depends on others.
I learned that it does not matter how much I care, others don’t.
I learned that it takes years to win somebody’s trust and it takes just a few seconds to lose it.
I learned that doesn’t matter what you HAVE in life, all that matters is with WHOM you have it.
I learned that in the first 15 min you can impress somebody by using your charm after that you have to come up with something smart.
I learned that you don’t have to compare yourself with what other people are best at you have to find out what is your best.
I learned that it does not matter what happens to people, what matters is what I can do to help.

I learned that each episode has two faces.

I learned you should part lovingly from those you love, It may be the last time you have the opportunity to see that person.
I learned that you can run a long time after you said that you are exhausted.
I learned that heroes are people who do the right thing when it is needed not caring about the consequences.

I learned that there are people that love you but they do not know how to show it.
I learned that when I am upset I have the right to be upset but I do not have the right to be mean.

I learned that you can have long distance friendships, the same applies to love.
I learned that if somebody does not love you like you wish, It does not mean he or she does not love you from the bottom of their heart.
He or she will occasionally hurt you and you will forgive it.

I learned that it is not enough to forgive others sometimes you have to forgive yourself.
I learned that regardless how much you are suffering the world will not stop.
I learned that your past can have an impact on your personality but you are responsible for what you are going to become.
I learned that, if two people get into a fight it does not mean they do not love each other. And the fact that they do not fight does not mean they love each other.
I learned that sometimes you have to put the person first and not their actions.
I learned that two people can see different sides of the same incident.
I learned that indifferent of the consequences those who are honest with themselves are the winners in life.
I learned that your life can be changed by strangers in a few hours.
I learned that when you think you have nothing to give your friend can call for help, and you will find the strength to help him.

I learned that talking and writing can help to heal your pain.
I learned that you spend too little time with people you love the most…

I learned that is very hard to know when to be nice so you do not hurt people but you still sustain your opinions.

I learned to love so I can be loved in return.

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Ready for New Beginnings?

The walls are beginning to crack and I can see daylight appearing.

It’s a long, tough job, but if it means at the end of the day I am happier and open to whatever possibilities and opportunities come my way that’s only got to be a good thing, hasn’t it?

After forgiving others, I must turn to look at myself.

I am responsible for my happiness, no one else. And if I’m not happy, it’s down to me and the choices I made.

If I’m brutally honest with myself I’ve always painted me as the victim. Oh, I’m not saying that bad things haven’t happened, but rather than learn and grow, I’ve allowed myself to become a victim.

So if something bad happens it’s because I deserved it and I wallow, letting self-pity and self-loathing wash over me, until I end up believing that I am a bad person and don’t deserve happiness like everyone else.

I’m making excuses. I’m allowing myself to be a victim. I’m choosing to be unhappy.

That’s just wrong!

Everyone deserves happiness, even me 😉

I need to throw off the victim cloak.

I can’t change the past. The things that have happened, happened. But I can decide and choose whether or not I want to be happy now and in the future.

But how do I do this?

It’s going to take one major league change of mentality and it’s not going to be done in one big leap. Small steps are probably the best way to go.

Maybe the best way to start on the path to happiness is by looking at life as a child again, something wonderful and new with discoveries to be made and adventures to be had every day.

When did life stop being wonderful and why?

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Letting Go …

… of a lifetime of cynicism isn’t easy. But it’s essential, I think if I am to move forward and let myself be open to a world of possibilities and new beginnings.

It’s a big wall I’ve managed to build up that I need to knock down. But I reckon I could have a go at being Joshua and make those walls of Jericho come a’tumbling down 😉

Forgiveness is the key to releasing those mental blocks that constitute the walls, and if I can find a way to forgive hopefully those walls will start crumbling. I’m not saying forgive and forget, because if we forget then we didn’t learn.

Location, location, location – when I was 5 my parents moved to where we live now. I hated moving and for most of my formative years blamed all my problems on the fact that I had been torn away from all I had known, and where I had been happy. I now know that I was being foolish. My problems would have occurred wherever I had been living. It wasn’t because of where I was, because of who I am. The people involved would just have had different names. If truth be told, I love living where I do now. I can wander into town and bump into someone I know pretty much every time, and most of the shop owners know me and SC too. It is a friendly place after all and its home. Still doesn’t mean I don’t get itchy feet, but who knows where my feet will take me.

School Bullies – would have reared their heads anywhere. I was bullied at secondary school, from pretty much the first day I arrived. Charmingly, it was an older girl from my primary school that first beat me up! Then it was the girls in my class – because I was different. I preferred studying and the arts to make-up, music and boys. Easy target, and it was certainly mild to todays’ playground bullies, certainly no happy slapping and videoing it for You Tube. But it blighted my life for 3 long years. I became withdrawn and stopped eating. I did eventually learn to stand my ground, but the moment I retaliated it just got worse with everyone piling sympathy on the bully and rounding on me. Even swapping classes for my final 2 years at the school didn’t really help. They were still there, loitering. It’s taken me, pretty much all of my life to date to finally throw off their legacy. I was letting their actions dictate my life. It’s over now. I know that bullies are really cowards. They never attack alone, only in packs. I feel sorry for them knowing that the only way they could make themselves feel good about themselves was to pick on someone else. It’s quite sad actually.

Teacher Bullies – when I went to Sixth Form, it wasn’t the students but the teachers themselves! They seemed to go out of their way to call me stupid and belittle me in front of everyone in class. Needless to say, I let them win. I stopped working and told them I didn’t give a fig about going to university. Bang, went my medical career. But, do you know what, if I had the chance to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. No sense regretting decisions made. I probably would have made a lousy doctor 😉 After I left Sixth Form – with  A Levels, I hasten to add, not the world’s best grades, but considering I didn’t actually pick up a book they weren’t bad – I did go to university. I discovered my va-va-voom, so to speak and was determined to prove my old teachers wrong, that I wasn’t stupid. And I did!

Mr Wrong No. 2 – (SC’s father) – where to start with this one? Actually it’s quite simple. It was just one big, huge mistake – the only good to come out of it was SC. But really, if I had been my normal self I wouldn’t have gone within 50 yards. I can’t, and won’t ever forget the way he treated me when I was pregnant, in labour and afterwards with SC. I feel sorry for him that he has missed out on pretty much all of SC’s life. He has no idea how amazing SC is. I have no feelings for him whatsoever, which I proved when I went to retrieve the remnants of my stuff from his flat. Unfortunately, he will be part of my life for the foreseeable because of SC. There’s nothing I can do about that, and I certainly would never deny SC contact with him. Do I forgive him? Yes, because the fault was partly mine. It takes two, as they say.

Myself – this is probably the biggest block of all. I’m pretty hard on myself really. I beat myself up over everything from the really big to the tiniest little detail. It’s always my fault, you see. Something goes wrong in my life – it’s always down to me – irrespective of reality. I stress over things I have no control over. I let things get to me. Maybe this is because I am a perfectionist. I want perfection – the perfect life – the fairytale. I don’t want to settle for second best, but in some ways I have. I have never really strived for what I wanted. I always put up my own stumbling blocks and hurdles. Telling myself I can’t do this or that. According to my parents I was very determined when I was 4 – no one was going to beat me. To date, it seems as though everyone has. Well not anymore! I was reminded last night of the very first character I played on stage. Vivie Warren in George Bernard Shaw’s “Mrs Warren’s Profession” – she said that the people who got on in this world were the people who got up and looked for the circumstances they wanted and if they didn’t find them, they made them. This post is just the start of sending the walls of constriction hurtling into space, and me looking to find the circumstances I want. I don’t want second best anymore and I’m certainly not going to settle for what I’ve got. The first step to send the walls crashing is to stand up and say:

I forgive me!

I can do anything!

I will achieve my dreams!

I want something better!

I must try harder!

I am me!

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