Tag Archives: feelings

A-Z of Life – Insecurities

insecuritiesThose little niggles that we all get that we are not good enough, or we’ve done something wrong but we don’t know what (or is that just me?).

Those little worries that just sit there quietly eating away at all the other thoughts in your head.

Until they grow so large they are all you can think of and not only that but they are completely true and you aren’t good enough, and it’s always your fault.

Annoying, aren’t they?

But how do you conquer those little niggling doubts inside your head?

Is it possible?

More importantly though, do you want to?

Personally, I think that if you want to get rid of them, it’s most definitely possible. After all, as Buddha said:

What you think, you become.

What you feel, you attract.

What you imagine, you create.

So, if all you can think and dwell on are insecurities, the wrongs people have done you, etc, etc, etc, then all you attract is more of the bad stuff and none of the good stuff.

But how do you change?

Well, it’s not easy, but it does all start with that very question.

If you know you want things to change, and you know you have to change in order to make that happen, then believe me, you are on the road there.

I have come full circle.

When I was little no one was ever going to beat me – at anything.

And then life happened and I let life beat me. I let everything else control me, but me. I clammed up and hid. I was totally afraid to show any feelings, I was never good enough for anyone, I was never good at anything and even if I showed any hint there was always someone only too willing to slap me back down into my place again.

I spent the best part of my life being afraid.

But then, a couple of years ago I had an epiphany.

It wasn’t one of those Damascene (?) epiphanies, more a case of a culmination of a whole heap of crap (for want of a better word) and me saying “STOP! I’ve had it!”

I knew I couldn’t change other people, but I sure as hell could change myself and how I reacted to certain situations.

Since reading is what I do best, I read and read anything I could get my hands on regarding personal development and changing perspectives. I’ve read about chimps, psychopaths, the universe, gratitude, psychic vibrations, etc. Some brilliant, some good and some not so good.

Little by little I managed to chip away at those in-built insecurities that had been a permanent fixture in my head for more years than I care to remember.

And you know what?

I’ve come to like myself again. I may not be to everyone’s cup of tea, but I’m mine.

I’ve realised that I have a right to be here, just as much as anyone else, and I don’t need to excuse my presence to anyone, especially not me.

What ever happened in the past is exactly where it needs to stay. Firmly in the past. I have learned from everything that has happened to try to make myself a better human being. By forgiving others and equally forgiving myself has lifted that feeling of eternal guilt that I am always in the wrong.

I am responsible for my own happiness, no one else is.

I have learned that I cannot control anything else apart from my actions – and if truth be told, that’s quite a scary one to learn, especially as I don’t like the feeling of uncertainty – but I take a deep breath and enjoy those opportunities and curve balls. After all the fun is in the journey.

I have learned that worrying doesn’t solve anything. It actually makes things worse. By worrying we create problems out of nothing. And going back to Buddha if we are feeling worried, insecure and not in a good place nothing good will come into our lives.

They’ll never completely go away, the fear and insecurities, but by flipping my thinking I have now learned that they are merely opportunities in disguise. A further chance for me grow by casting the ghosts of insecurities past aside and simply trusting.

Never mind Peter Pan saying “to die will be an awfully big adventure”, living is the biggest adventure of all.

Life is amazing.

Life can be wonderful, if we just stop worrying, start trusting, start believing and more importantly love.

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Love is … like dancing

danceThere’s passion, there’s feeling and there’s rhythm!

Sometimes you get asked to dance a social foxtrot – it’s friendly and fun, but boy it gets tedious after a while – the rhythm and the steps never change and there’s no passion.

Sometimes you join in to a samba beat – plenty of rhythm, plenty of passion but it’s over before you really get a chance to enjoy it.

Occasionally you get to join the hip-hop/street crew and that’s totally disjointed, difficult to understand and painful!

Ballet is beautiful, lyrical, passionate and totally mesmerising, but it can be wooden, fake and very painful.

Of all the dances my favourite is the rumba – it takes it time to warm up but there’s passion a-plenty, rhythm, feeling, tenderness and sensuality – I just hate it when that dance ends!!

But after each dance we always learn what we do and don’t like in order to become better dancers the next time we get asked 😉

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Friday Poem – A Poison Tree

poison treeThis is quite a poignant poem by the English poet William Blake (1757-1827), and to me seems to reflect the world we live in today.

The poem is like football, a poem of two halves – albeit the first half is only the first 2 lines.

In the first half the writer says that when he is angry with his friend he tells him and the anger is forgotten –  oh, how the power of communication works so well!!!

The rest of the poem deals with what happens when we are angry with someone we actually don’t like so well. We don’t say anything, we suppress the feeling and what happens? The feeling doesn’t go away, instead it grows and grows inside of us, fed by all that negative energy and hatred until it explodes as a mighty and destructive force.

I think the underlying theme behind the poem is that communication is always a good thing. Always keep the lines open!

A Poison Tree

I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I watered it in fears,
Night and morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright.
And my foe beheld it shine.
And he knew that it was mine,

And into my garden stole
When the night had veiled the pole;
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretched beneath the tree.

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What are the best ‘self-help’ books you have read?

I know, I know. People who read so-called ‘self-help’ books are the people who want to do something, but never get round to actually doing it.

But I did 😉

However, I don’t there is just 1 ‘self-help’ guide out there to fix all the problems – after much research, reading and soul searching the answer lies with us.  But as a complete book geekette I find that books help put things into perspective, if I’m feeling something but don’t know why, if I can find an answer in a book I can generally then try identify what I’ve read with my own feelings and work things out (if that makes any sense whatsoever?)

And like I said, there’s more than 1 book out there, and over the last couple of years, I’ve read loads.  There are some that have struck more chords than others, and some that I picked up and immediately put back down again!

These are probably my Top 3:

3.  The Chimp Paradox by Dr Mike Peters

I wrote a blog about this book way back in 2013 (“Me & My Chimp” – just re-published it) and since writing the post ‘Charlie’ and I have in general sorted out our differences.  Sometimes he raises his naughty little head and starts whispering negative thoughts into my brain, but these day I just try to ignore him.

The book, without going into too much detail – after all it’s all in the previous post – details how those annoying little self-doubt voices you hear in your head are just akin to a chimp lodging in your brain. And if you take notice of them, you feed them and they become bigger and stronger until they pretty much rule your life.

So, as the signs at the zoo keep reminding us “Do Not Feed the Chimps!”

2.  The Good Psychopath’s Guide to Success by Dr Kevin Dutton & Andy McNab

… or “How to use your inner psychopath to get the most out of life.”  And no, that doesn’t mean you have to turn into Hannibal Lecter or Norman Bates!

Effectively, the gist of the book is that everyone has psychopathic qualities, such as fearlessness, empathy, and decisiveness, etc., and if we think of them as dials on a radio they get turned up and down as we need them to get the best out of any situation. (Note, a bad psychopath has the dials turned up to maximum permanently!)  They explain that top lawyers and surgeons have these ‘good’ psychopathic tendencies to do the job they need to do with the least emotion possible – and having experienced the legal system, I’d have been a terrible lawyer, I am way too emotional!

But what the man in the street needs to do is tune in to these dials and alter the frequency as and when they need to help them out.  There is a sequel which actually takes all the qualities and shows you how to put them to use in every day situations – “Sorted – The Good Psychopath’s Guide to Bossing Your Life”

And my Number 1 is a book I randomly picked off the shelf in the library (really must buy my own copy) called “Flip It” by Michael Heppell.

It’s basic premise is to pretty much take every situation and just flip it from the negative to the positive to energise your actions and ensure you get the best out of any situation.

It’s full of tips and exercises and is truly eye-opening.

So my new mantra for anything I encounter these days that gives me a headache is to either flip it or f**k it (which incidentally is the name of another self-help book 😉 )

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What do cuddles mean to you?

I love cuddles!

I’m a huggy person – and I am not ashamed to admit it!

Cuddles are great to give and receive.

SC and I have a morning ritual, whilst his cereal is warming up, whereby I sit on the floor with my arms outstretched and he runs from the other side of the room and flings himself at me and we just have a huge hug.

In the evenings, just before I read him his stories, we have another ritual, whereby we have a huge hug and I tell him how much I love him – which is, to quote a very famous spaceman, “to infinity and beyond!”

If I’m feeling a bit “out of sorts” he instinctively knows and just gives me a big cuddle and says “I love you Mummy” – and that makes the world right again 😉

Hugs are also a great way of telling friends you’re there, when words can sometimes fail, in times of trouble.

And when you are with someone special, for me, cuddles are far more intimate and sensuous than anything.

I would rather spend a night enveloped in someone’s arms (and cuddling back) feeling loved, safe, and all those feelings that go with it, than anything else on earth.

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Aiming for Perfection…

…it appears I’ve been doing this all my life.

I’ve always been competitive, ever since I was little, I was not going to let anyone beat me.

But the only thing I was fighting, in the end, was myself and my ideals of how things should turn out.

I didn’t fight the bullies. I fought myself. I beat myself up as to why I was targeted.

And fighting against this invisible force, striving for a seemingly ‘perfect life like everyone else’ was the goal.

Yet at the end of the day I didn’t fight, it was just my survival tactic kicking in. By suppressing all the anger I felt and all the fear of losing control if I did get mad, fighting myself and striving for perfection was just me taking back control.

And yet by trying to control my life this way I’ve just been going round and round in those ever decreasing circles, not going anywhere, not succeeding at anything, all the time blaming myself.

Why was I angry?

Because when I was bullied, that was the first time I let anyone beat me!

Without putting up a fight, I just let them win. Overnight I was transformed into a shy, timid little girl, hiding any spark of talent under the nearest and most dense bush!

And whenever something happens in my life that I can’t control, I end up being that little girl again – afraid of her own shadow, afraid of letting others see how I really feel, frightened and lonely.

Oh, I’m very good at putting on a brave face and faking it! I may fool the world into thinking that I have no feelings and I don’t hurt, but behind the sunny smile there is just a lost, frightened little girl.

But, I’ve come to realise that I can’t control everything.

If I do something I can give it my best shot and control my input, but I cannot control the result.

I am going to feel frightened, lost, confused, angry and a whole gamut of emotions, but I just need to ride the emotional tide and not suppress my feelings any more.

And I just need to give myself a break from rowing!

Sit on the boat in the middle of the river and let the current carry me to wherever my destiny lies.

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Friday Poem – Woman in Love

A beautiful poem by Rainer Maria Rilke. Is the poem though conveying the thoughts of a woman’s view of love, especially the last verse, or since the poet is actually a man, is he conveying his true thoughts about how it feels to a man to be in love? Interesting point I thought? What do you think?

Woman in Love

That is my window. Just now
I have so softly wakened.
I thought that I would float.
How far does my life reach,
and where does the night begin

I could think that everything
was still me all around;
transparent like a crystal’s
depths, darkened, mute.

I could keep even the stars
within me; so immense
my heart seems to me; so willingly
it let him go again.

whom I began perhaps to love, perhaps to hold.
Like something strange, undreamt-of,
my fate now gazes at me.

For what, then, am I stretched out
beneath this endlessness,
exuding fragrance like a meadow,
swayed this way and that,

calling out and frightened
that someone will hear the call,
and destined to disappear
inside some other life.

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Friday Poem – I Cry

Found this lovely poem by Tupac Shakur, an American poet and musician who died in 1996 aged 25.tear

 

Sometimes when I’m alone
I Cry,
Cause I am on my own.
The tears I cry are bitter and warm.
They flow with life but take no form
I Cry because my heart is torn.
I find it difficult to carry on.
If I had an ear to confide in,
I would cry among my treasured friend,
but who do you know that stops that long,
to help another carry on.
The world moves fast and it would rather pass by.
Then to stop and see what makes one cry,
so painful and sad.
And sometimes…
I Cry
and no one cares about why.

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The A-Z of Life – Opinions

“My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever!”colin-firth111

“That is indeed a failing.”

Possibly one of the more memorable quotes from classic literature from Pride & Prejudice and, of course it means I get an excuse to put a picture of Colin Firth as the gorgeous Mr Darcy on the blog.

But seriously, is it indeed a failing, if your good opinion about something, or someone, is lost and you find it hard to change your mind back again, for want of a better expression?

Let’s take, brussel sprouts, for example. To be honest I actually love them – could quite happily eat a plate with nothing else – in fact I did just that one Christmas…

But obviously for many they are, quite clearly, the food of the devil, vile, little green balls that are like bullets and taste disgusting.

How many people who do not like brussel sprouts, would try them and be honest enough to say, if they did, that they were not too bad – I know that’s going off into the realms of total fantasy, but for the purpose of this exercise is it a failing that they have a bad opinion about brussel sprouts, or is it a failing they may not try them, or is it not actually a failing at all, but merely a case of personal taste being different?

After all we are all different. We cannot all like the same things or indeed have the same opinions about topics like football, politics, who the most beautiful man/woman is in the world, etc.

But that’s things, and in my ‘opinion’ a totally different kettle of fish to people.

If someone betrays your confidence by blabbing your secrets, or the person who said they never wanted to hurt you did just that, or a person pretends to be all sweetness and light to you when all the time they are whispering behind your back is it a failing to not trust that person again?

I don’t trust people easily any more.

And I’m sad that I feel I can’t trust easily any more.

Does that mean I’m a bad person for being cautious about who I confide in after my confidences have been spread around for no more than malicious enjoyment?

Does that mean I’m a bad person for never wanting to trust a man again after all the times I’ve been lied to, let down, used and left heartbroken?

Is it indeed a failing in my psychological make-up that once someone has betrayed me, lost my trust or hurt my feelings that I find it hard to forget?

I can forgive, because that brings my own peace of mind – they know why they did what they did, I can’t change that (no matter how much sometimes I wish I could) – but by forgiving them for hurting me and ensuring another brick gets put up around me I can at least find peace within myself.

I wouldn’t say it was a failing though, because at the end of the day by being cautious about who I trust in the future I am protecting myself – it’s not a foolproof method, but at least I hope it will not make the sting too painful.

And when it comes to football, politics and other such contentious issues I can only quote another famous line from literature “I suggest you stick to two subjects – the weather and everyone’s health!”

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The A-Z of Life – Happiness

We all want to be happy.

Sometimes we just let life get to us, and end up wishing for happiness, wishing our lives were different, wishing our lives were like other people who seem to be so happy.

Happiness takes on many forms – we would be happier if we earned more money, we would be happier if we had what other people had, we would be happier if we could be more successful, etc.

But happiness doesn’t come from outside influences.

Happiness comes from inside.

We are ultimately responsible for our own happiness.

If we cannot be happy with ourselves, then we will never be happy. And it won’t matter how many friends you have, how much money you make, etc.

So how do we become happy?

There seems to be no miracle cure – believe me, I’ve looked, and if there were I’d bottle it and make a fortune 😉

We just have to look at our lives and look for the good not the disappointments, look forward not back.

If we can cling onto one good thought, one time in our lives when we were happy, that surely is a step on to the ladder?

Then if we can be thankful for one thing in our lives each day, slowly we should be able to see a glimmer of light.

I have been at the bottom of the ladder.

I haven’t made it to the top yet, and some days I slip down a few rungs.

But I am happy with who I am – I am by no means perfect, but I am aware of my faults and can live with them 😉

I am happy with my life – it may not be picture perfect like everyone elses appears to be, but I am happy to be alive, with a head full of ideas 😉

I am happy with my state of mind – I try to find the good in everything and everyone 😉

I’m happy to be me 😉

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