Tag Archives: failure

The A-Z of Life – Variety

Question!

If variety is the spice of life, why, do we all seem to terrified of change?

When change happens, we are all guilty of being reluctant to embrace it fully in some way.

Variety may be the spice of life, but routine is safe, it’s what we know and sometimes we just don’t want to leave our comfort zone.

For me, I think that’s probably why I never put money into a house. I wanted too, and came close a couple of times. But each time, I was swayed by a couple of external factors – my dad (ever the cautious accountant) saying, that the word was house prices were going to drop in the next couple of months (just don’t buy shares, I think would be my advice to him now) and secondly, myself. If truth be told, I was always too scared to branch out on my own. I’ve already said I am one of nature’s natural born-worriers, and always there would be a barrage of what-ifs that popped into my head, and the worrier in me would outweigh the adventurous me. It always does.

I would like to think that now, with the wisdom of a few more years, I am slightly more adaptable to change, especially having had SC.

In fact, right now, I am embarking on a new voyage of discovery.

The chains which bound me in work for the past couple of years, I have just shaken off, and for the first time in a long time I feel free.

I have so much that I want to do, so many ideas, but first and foremost I have to build myself back up in order to be a hard-core bread-winning machine.

I’ve finally accepted the hand that has been dealt me now, and if I am to be on my own, then that’s the way it’s going to be.

I’ve proved to myself I can deal with my own disasters however painful they may be.

I feel afraid, for sure, but I know I can cope with anything life throws at me – I have the battle scars to prove it. I may have been defeated, more times than I have won battles, but I have not failed, for every single time I dusted myself down and stood back up again stronger and wiser than ever.

I didn’t need anyone before I had SC, I don’t need anyone now!

One of the best books I have read was “Who Moved My Cheese”, by Dr Spencer Johnson is all about the different ways we look at change, which can be applied to any aspect of our lives.

Most of us can embrace change, eventually, and it takes some of us longer than others.

There are some people though who will never be able to embrace change.

As for me, I’m off to find new cheese!

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The A-Z of Life – Quitting

quittingIs “quitting” a dirty word?

Should we be ashamed if we quit?

If you ask a sportsman the answer is probably “yes” – after all quitters never win!

That indeed is true in one sense, but what, if you have tried all avenues and you still end up facing the wall in front of you, no higher up it, or further along to the end than when you started?

Should you still try to overcome the obstacle?

Should you strategically think about the obstacle?

Why is it so difficult to overcome?

Is it the obstacle that is the problem, or you?

If, indeed, it is the obstacle that is the problem, then surely “quitting” is not a bad thing?

Doesn’t it just means you get to shift your focus onto something more important, or maybe something less difficult to overcome? After all you can’t climb a mountain in one leap, you need to take little steps and often traverse the mountain sideways before moving further up towards the summit and the goal!

If it is you that is the problem though, what then?

Surely in this case quitting is a bad thing, because if you don’t even try, for whatever reason, doesn’t that make for a life filled with regrets and what ifs?

What is holding you back?

What deep-rooted “problem” (for want of a better word) is preventing you from, sometimes even just trying to get somewhere?

In my case, the answer is that I never truly believe in me.

I put obstacles in my way. Extra obstacles that I have to overcome as well as the original task at hand. It’s always a case of I can’t do this, I’m not very good at that, I’m not pretty, I’m not clever enough, I’ll never be the type of girl that someone will adore, etc.

So when I try to overcome these extra obstacles I still have the original obstacle in my way, still as big and ominous.

That is not to say I never try anything, but I have to be passionate about and truly believe in whatever it is I am trying to achieve and then I will throw my heart and soul into trying to make it work.

Most of the time though, I do end up with egg on my face, looking like a complete idiot and feeling like a complete failure.

So, I end up still not believing in me.

And if I don’t believe in me, who else will, right?

It is a vicious circle.

Sometimes, I feel like I’ve just about had enough of everything that’s been thrown at me, and yes, I feel like quitting!

Quitting life, quitting people, quitting everything.

But if truth be told, I am not a quitter!

I may not believe in myself, but I try to not give up unless I have given it every last ounce of my fighting spirit.

There are, of course exceptions and some things that are not worth fighting for, generally things that I never really wanted in the first place – like the job or the part in the play – just because my heart wasn’t and wouldn’t be in it, and I don’t tend to feel too bad about them, because deep down I never really wanted it.

I am about the see the light and get rid of the contract that has been weighing me down for the last 3 years. I have thrown every artillery shell and bit of arsenal I have at my disposal at it, and yet the damn thing is still unmovable. So, I have decided enough is enough – it was becoming bad for my stress levels and general health and well-being.

I may have been defeated but I have not failed. I think of it as having lost a particular battle, but that doesn’t mean I will not go on fighting. I still have faith and dreams 😉

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The A-Z of Life – Fear

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself – nameless. unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyses needed efforts to convert retreat into advance” famously said President Roosevelt in 1933.

I’m not just talking about fear of spiders, snakes, other creepy-crawlies or nay other weird phobias out there.

I’m just talking about fear.

And it is true!

We do fear fear.

What stops us in our tracks? What prevents us from shooting for the moon,? Why do we shy away from life?

Because we are afraid.

But what is it exactly that we fear?

Do we fear the failure or do we fear the success?

If we can answer that then we can perhaps overcome our fear of fear,

We all fail at some things at some point in our lives. Some more than others.

However, what from that failure do we learn?

We learn to do things differently.

We learn that we cannot win at everything, and that in all walks of life there will be people better than us – no matter how much we, or those we love sometimes, bolster and boost our egos to an over-inflated size. (You’ve seen X-Factor, right?)

We learn to persevere.

Most importantly, sometimes we learn never to give up trying.

Why would we fear the success though? Of anything in our lives.

Surely, succeeding is what we are all aiming for, so it shouldn’t be feared?

But are we afraid that if we succeed, we will have nothing left to aim for?

Are we afraid that success might lead to happiness, and we fear the happiness maybe short-lived?

Are we afraid that we don’t deserve success?

Are we afraid that we wouldn’t be able to cope with success?

We shouldn’t be afraid of life, and surely if we fear fear, we are letting ourselves ultimately be afraid of life.

I’m afraid. I fear being alone. I fear being old. I fear being a failure.

But if we think positively, we can overcome fear.

I will never really be alone, because  I am blessed to have family and friends.

I cannot stop the march of time, but I can embrace the wisdom age brings.

I fear being a failure, but that doesn’t stop me trying.

Surely the worst thing to do is to let fear, for want of a better expression, get the better of you? For what will that bring or achieve?

After all, a life half-lived is half a life, and the worse thing anyone can do is live their lives in fear.

 

I found a wonderful poem by Suraj Samtani called “Losing Life to Fear”

In fear of being heard,
In fear of being understood,

In fear of not being heard,
In fear of not being understood,

In fear of being misheard,
In fear of being misunderstood,

In fear of hearing too much,
In fear of understanding too much,

In fear of saying too much,
In fear of saying too little,

In fear of being too enlightened,
In fear of not being factually correct,

In fear of being too bright,
In fear of being too ignorant,

In fear of being praised,
In fear of being bullied,

In fear of not being like others,
In fear of losing my individuality,

In fear of being ostracized,
In fear of being camouflaged,

In fear of being the attraction,
In fear of being ignored,

In fear of being too different,
In fear of being too common,

In fear of following others,
In fear of disobeying others,

In fear of being too gullible,
In fear of being too stubborn,

In fear of being used,
In fear of being misused,

In fear of rewards,
In fear of punishments,

In fear of responsibility,
In fear of expectations,

In fear of being trusted,
In fear of being mistrusted,

In fear of your lack of response,
In fear of your over-reaction,

In fear of eternal silence,
In fear of noisy communication,

In fear of your acceptance,
In fear of your rejection,

In fear of exciting you,
In fear of upsetting you,

In fear of loving you,
In fear of hating you,

In fear of your love,
In fear of your hatred,

In fear of being loved,
In fear of being hated,

In fear of thinking,
In fear of existing,

In fear of living,
In fear of dying,

In fear of being myself,
In fear of being another,

In fear of knowing myself,
In fear of neglecting myself,

I lost my voice;
I lost my identity;
I lost my self.

I lost this life;
I lost my life;
I lost life’s life.

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I’m one big disappointment!

Why do I feel that I am one big disappointment after another in my father’s eyes?clock

He was the one who taught me to be independent, and yet I failed.

He was the one who taught me that if you work hard you reap the rewards, and yet I failed.

He was the one who taught me to be careful, and yet I failed.

Everything I try, I do to try to please my father, and yet I fail.

Even when other people ‘lavish’ praise on my efforts, not one word of praise escapes my fathers lips.

I can’t even remember my father saying he loved me, like most fathers do to their offspring.

I’m at a crossroads in my life where I need to make big decisions about where I am headed in order to make a good life for SC.

Yet in my father’s eyes everything is black and white – I have to do either A or B.

I have ideas, but he says that they should just be sidelines – yet the problem is, and a lesson I have learned from bitter experience past is that if I go down route A and dabble with ideas, then the ideas are just another chalked-up failure. You cannot do, and give your full attention to 2 different things, especially if you have attention needed from a SC – it just doesn’t work.

Fate, apparently, throws at us what it feels we can deal with.

But you know what?

I’m tired.

I don’t want to have to fight to keep my head above the water every single hour of every single day.

I don’t want to give up, I’m not a quitter, but right now I feel I have no other option.

I want time. Time for me to prove my worth. Time for me to be a good mum (instead of the failure I feel). Time for me to be me.

But I don’t have time.

The clock never stops ticking (which is probably why I hate loud ticking clocks).

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Can Women Have It All?

The perfect life – good job, lovely home, happy family, no money worries – you know the one.juggling-woman

In a nutshell, no.

I don’t believe that women can have it all – believe me, I’ve tried.

It’s a big balancing act, but however hard we try something has to give.

And being a single mum makes life just that little bit more … interesting, lets say 😉

Life is all about choices.

I chose not to go back to what I did BC (Before Child) as I wanted to enjoy every single precious moment of his baby/toddler hood. It was my choice. I was lucky in that I was not reliant on having to go back to work, as I had enough ‘rainy day’ budget in the funds (in my own right, not Mr Wrong No. 2) to be able to just about afford to.

Obviously, like with all rainy day funds they dry up eventually and when that time came I searched around to find something that would fit around SC, school holidays, etc. Now I know jobs like these are as rare as hen’s teeth, so I chose to invest in a franchise.

It seemed like a good potential – something different to the norm, work my own hours around SC.

But in trying to juggle getting a business off the ground (especially in the current economy), looking after SC, and doing all the other things that I do – 3 years on I find my self reflecting that I have failed to do anything anywhere near as perfect as a superwoman should be able to manage. (Obviously then I realise that I don’t have a nanny, a PA, a cleaner, a personal shopper, etc to do all these things for me, whilst I just go off and get manicured, coiffured and spray tanned!)

SC has remained the top of my priority list and therefore I have not put as much effort into building a business as I should. Failure on the good job front!

The effort I have put into building some business has meant that SC has not had me around as much. Failure on the happy family front!

The lack of business means that I worry about just about everything pretty much 24 hours a day. Failure on the stress front!

Buying a franchise, especially those that target mothers who want to work around their children, should really have a warning notice attached saying “this is only suitable for women with a husband who only need a little bit of extra income, and not those looking to make a living out of it!”.

And I’m deadly serious about that. In the network I belong to I would stake that not one of the women working takes home anything near enough to put food on the table, pay a mortgage and bills, plus all the other things having children comes with, let alone buying clothes for themselves!

My priority is SC and the need to provide for him.

I am therefore faced with a dilemma.

I need to provide a secure future for him, the only way I can see me being able to do that is to go back to what I did do – always supposing I can get back into it. But by doing this, I will not be able to do the school run, or take him to his after-school activities, or the other mummy things that get done during the week. Failure on the being a good mummy front!

If I continue with what I am doing I will not be able to provide for him. Failure on every front imaginable!

So no, women can’t have it all.

You end up being a jack-of-all-trades but master of none!

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