Tag Archives: emotions

Friday Poem – Grief

griefToday’s poem is called “Grief” by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861) and she was one of the most prominent poets of the Victorian era.

I had intended to do a poem about grief and loss today because my lovely cousin was called to heaven earlier in the week, but after the horrific events of last night in Nice and the recent bombings in Iraq and Bangladesh this poem seems to have even more significance today.

The poem’s meaning is all about the fact that true grief is draining on all emotions because there is no hope left.

Grief

I TELL you, hopeless grief is passionless;
That only men incredulous of despair,
Half-taught in anguish, through the midnight air
Beat upward to God’s throne in loud access
Of shrieking and reproach. Full desertness,
In souls as countries, lieth silent-bare
Under the blanching, vertical eye-glare
Of the absolute Heavens. Deep-hearted man, express
Grief for thy Dead in silence like to death–
Most like a monumental statue set
In everlasting watch and moveless woe
Till itself crumble to the dust beneath.
Touch it; the marble eyelids are not wet:
If it could weep, it could arise and go.

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If you were a Superhero – what would your name & superpower be?

superherosDarn it, Wonder Woman’s already taken!

Hmmm!  Guess I’ll have to go with my second choice then – PJ Girl!!!

Saving the world in her pyjamas.

So that’s a name sorted, now what about a superpower?

I always thought it would be kind of cool to be able to stop time to say something, do something, or in the case of being a superhero saving something without anyone else being able to witness it on account of them being ‘frozen in time’.  Just like Piper’s power in Charmed (loved that series)

But if I want a really good superpower, that just seems a bit lame.

Being immortal’s not a superpower really is it? Nah, didn’t think so.

Hmm, that’s quite tricky.

Ooo, how about the power to read minds. That way you would know what people were thinking before they actually did anything and you could foil any dastardly plans they were hatching – and not just in the nick of time.

Maybe, as well as reading minds what if you could manipulate minds too?  Or is that straying away from superhero and into super villainess territory?  (I reckon I’m more of a naughty super villain actually than a hero if truth be told 😉 )

OK, no freezing time, no being immortal, no reading (or manipulating) minds ….

Thinking … Thinking …

Ooo … Nope

Oh, do you ever do that thing if someone in front of you – either in a queue, or in a car in front – does something really stupid and you throw your hands up almost as if you’re flicking something that would just hit their ears and make them wonder what it was?

Not a b***h slap – PJ Girl is a little bit more refined than that please.

Almost like a little splash of water on their ears, just enough to make them notice, but not too much. (Like Deborah Kerr in “An Affair to Remember” when she was being whispered about and she dipper her fingers into the pink champagne and proceeded to then flick it at the women who were gossiping about her – class act)

That would be fun to do, but it’s not really a superpower is it?

This is really tricky – if I had the power to do anything, what would I do?

Staying with the Charmed theme, I’ve always wanted to be able to move things with my mind. That would be really handy in a superhero fight.

But maybe, if I’m PJ Girl (saving the world in my PJs) maybe instead of moving things with my mind, maybe I should be able to change people’s emotions with my mind (OK that’s not quite as evil as manipulating them) and save them with cuddles – then I can climb back onto my unicorn and fly off into the sunset 😉

Guess I’m all for mind manipulation after all (MWA HA HA )D )

 

 

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Aiming for Perfection…

…it appears I’ve been doing this all my life.

I’ve always been competitive, ever since I was little, I was not going to let anyone beat me.

But the only thing I was fighting, in the end, was myself and my ideals of how things should turn out.

I didn’t fight the bullies. I fought myself. I beat myself up as to why I was targeted.

And fighting against this invisible force, striving for a seemingly ‘perfect life like everyone else’ was the goal.

Yet at the end of the day I didn’t fight, it was just my survival tactic kicking in. By suppressing all the anger I felt and all the fear of losing control if I did get mad, fighting myself and striving for perfection was just me taking back control.

And yet by trying to control my life this way I’ve just been going round and round in those ever decreasing circles, not going anywhere, not succeeding at anything, all the time blaming myself.

Why was I angry?

Because when I was bullied, that was the first time I let anyone beat me!

Without putting up a fight, I just let them win. Overnight I was transformed into a shy, timid little girl, hiding any spark of talent under the nearest and most dense bush!

And whenever something happens in my life that I can’t control, I end up being that little girl again – afraid of her own shadow, afraid of letting others see how I really feel, frightened and lonely.

Oh, I’m very good at putting on a brave face and faking it! I may fool the world into thinking that I have no feelings and I don’t hurt, but behind the sunny smile there is just a lost, frightened little girl.

But, I’ve come to realise that I can’t control everything.

If I do something I can give it my best shot and control my input, but I cannot control the result.

I am going to feel frightened, lost, confused, angry and a whole gamut of emotions, but I just need to ride the emotional tide and not suppress my feelings any more.

And I just need to give myself a break from rowing!

Sit on the boat in the middle of the river and let the current carry me to wherever my destiny lies.

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The A-Z of Life – Emotions

… and no I’m not talking about 😉 and 😦 and other variations!facts

We are souls.

We have the power to love, to hate, to cherish, to hurt, to wound, to adore, the list goes on.

What would we be without emotions and feelings?

In my opinion, our emotions are what separate us from robots.

If we didn’t have the capacity to feel, we might as well be made from tin and wires.

Our feelings are what keep us going, make us fight for what we believe in, and what we all dream for.

I have feelings.

Too often mine get hurt.

I’m always the butt of everyone’s jokes.

I’m always the one who’s taken for granted.

I’m always the one that gets the blame.

I’m always the one whose heart gets broken.

I’m always the one who is a good friend.

I’m always the one who is nice!

I’m always the one who is not good enough.

I’m always the one for whom men can never commit to.

I’m always the one who no one really knows.

I’m always the one with a smile on her face and hug to bring comfort to others.

Yet I’m the one who has no one to turn to and is lonely.

But I’m always the one who also never gives up!

Why do we get all these feelings?

Why do we have to hide our feelings?

What happens if we give of our feelings and always get them thrown back in our faces?

Why are we so afraid of expressing our feelings?

What is the worst that can possibly happen?

Feeling a fool, being rejected?

It’s not so bad, you’re still alive.

Yes it hurts, it hurts like hell.

But I would rather someone know how I feel, than not.

After all if people don’t know they cannot react, one way or the other, and you would always end up wondering ‘what if’!

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How far would you go to make a point?

Would you tell someone and hope they take notice?

Would you just leave it at debating – where both parties end up agreeing to disagree and walk away even more convinced of their own argument?

Would you get annoyed, start shouting the odds and then walk away – with still no agreement reached?

Would you act out a scenario – to put your point across visually?

Would you chain yourself to fencing in order to bring attention to your cause?

Would you deliberately set up a situation to ruin a business and leave many people out of work?

Just to prove a point!

What would you do?

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Are men and women the same?

Someone once asked me if I thought men and women were the same.men-women

I said that I thought they were, fundamentally, which they didn’t, and I still stand firm in my opinion.

Despite the obvious physical differences, I still believe in a nutshell that deep-down men, like women, feel the same emotions, have the same needs and want the same things.

After all, we are essentially made from the same genetic material, so why would we differ psychologically, so to speak?

It’s just that somewhere along the lines of human development from caveman to present-day the lines have become somewhat muddled, and men have been programmed to suppress their emotions.

The advancement of feminism has also thrown a spanner in the works. Men now longer know whether or not to try to be chivalrous by opening doors, etc., as they don’t know which camp a woman is in – they will either be met with a thank you, or a torrent of feministic rhetoric about how we can open our own doors, thank you!

The key to fulfilling our emotions, wants and needs whether you are a man or a woman is communication.

Without communication we just end up making assumptions about the other person – for example, how many women reading this have thought that because a man doesn’t call that he isn’t interested in them? Maybe the man is sitting at home unsure whether to call, because he is assuming you are not interested in him?

Men are just as afraid of being rejected as women are.

It’s this reading between the lines, adding 2 and 2 together and coming up with 17 that means we tend to get everything screwed up.

Honest communication is vital in any relationship in life – be it business or pleasure – and sometimes, ladies and gentlemen, we just have to screw “The Rules” and open the door first, take a chance.

What’s the worst that can happen?

We get laughed at, rejected, etc.

But surely that’s not as bad as spending a lifetime wondering … what if?

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Love Is … Like An Audition!

… most of the time all you hear is “Next!”

Occasionally you get a recall, maybe even a few for one part, before it comes down to a choice between you and another actor. Then generally, you always lose out!

Not for want of talent, but it could be for all manner of reasons, too tall, too short, too clever, too ugly, too fat, too thin, too outspoken, too quiet. There will always be something.

But, you know what? None of these things are your fault. You cannot change who you are.

Eventually, after so many auditions and recalls, that you lose count, you get a part.

Most of the time these parts are not permanent – they will be contracted for a couple of years, until you outgrow the production. Either because you don’t want to renew your contract as you want a new challenge, or because the casting director feels the need to breathe new life into the production – if this is the case it’s generally their loss 😉

Once in a lifetime though you will find the perfect part for you. There will be no need for ‘hamming it up’, forcing emotions, trying your utmost to remember lines, ‘the method’, etc. The role is suited to you. It will be a totally natural and organic performance “darling”! You and the part in perfect harmony.

This role is the one we all search for. Some of us find it. Some of us just keep missing the damn call 😉

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Letter to Mr Wrong No. 1

Dear Mr Wrong No. 1

I didn’t think you would turn out to be Mr Wrong. After all, after Boomerang Boy you were a positive grown-up in the relationship stakes.

I did love you.

When you asked me to move in, it felt right. But the rose-tinted spectacles soon turned clear when I was living out of a suitcase and carrier bags, made to feel like a second-class citizen and the hired help.

Despite this, I still loved you.

I am sorry for not leaving sooner.

I should have admitted to myself the relationship was going nowhere long before I jumped ship.

But, being the foolish romantic idiot I am, I thought things would get better and change.

I spent the last 2½ years we were together trying to fool myself and everyone, that everything was great between us. But all I was doing was kidding myself and wasting my life.

Everytime we talked about ‘things’, life did get better for about a fortnight, and then it just slipped back into the same pattern.

Nothing was ever going to change. You were never going to change, I know that now.

Had I stayed, then I would still be living out of that suitcase, wishing and hoping for things to change, and wasting more of my life.

It took everything I had to walk out on you that Wednesday morning. After all that was 4 years of my life  I was about to walk away from.

Obviously, the romantic part of me hoped that you would come rushing after me, trying to win me back. But you didn’t.

At the time, I didn’t know whether going was the right thing to do. My mind was full of what ifs and maybes – what if I stay, what if I go, what if I change, what if you change, maybe if we talk, maybe things will change, etc.

I just knew I couldn’t live a lie any more. I knew things would never change.

I finally found the courage to admit to myself that you had fallen out of love with me, not suddenly, but gradually over the preceding 2½ years. Not only that, but I admitted to myself that I didn’t feel the same for you as I once had.

It was hard, and we both cried buckets. But, deep down we knew it was for the best.

I know you are married now with a small child and I hope you have found joy and happiness.

Thank you for some memorable times, which I shall treasure forever.

xx

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Running Away

If I have had a problem that I’m finding difficult to overcome, the only answer I’ve ever had is to run away.

When I was younger I did want to physically run away when I was faced with problems – bullies, relationships, boredom with my life – to somewhere new, where I could start again, afresh where no one knew me.

My mum said that the same problems would follow me, they would just have different names and faces.

And she was right, because although I could run away from the problem, I couldn’t run away from myself and how I was feeling about me.

Now I’m older, I’ve actually come to like myself. I think I’m all right really. It’s taken a while, but at the end of the day what you see is what you get.

Yes, I’m loud, determined, ambitious, competitive, tend to put my mouth into gear before brain, amongst other things, but I’m also kind, compassionate, thoughtful and trusting (to name but a few). I make no claims to being perfect, but I’m nowhere near as bad a person as people have led me to believe.

Most importantly, I have found peace and happiness with myself. I believe in me. I am what I am, to coin a phrase.

All the bad stuff from bullies to bad boyfriends is in the past. Shut away and will never stop me enjoying life again.

Roosevelt is quoted as saying in his inaugural speech that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself and he’s right.

I have spent the last 20 or so years of my life being fearful, hiding away from the world, afraid of being me, allowing myself to be ‘controlled’ and treated badly.

I’m not afraid anymore.

I’m not going to let happiness pass me by anymore.

I know what I want.

If I were to run away now, I wouldn’t be running from a problem I would be running to a wonderful new chapter in my life.

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Songs that sum up how I’m feeling right now…

An eclectic taste today, as I’ve realised what I’m worth and how blessed I truly am. SC said that we were lucky because we were the only people with happiness in their hearts because we have each other (out if the mouthes of babes!):

1. ‘Happiness’ by Ken Dodd
2. ‘Gonna build a mountain’ by Lesley Bricusse & Anthony Newley, sung by Matt Monro
3. ‘Life could not better be’ sung by Danny Kaye in The Court Jester
4. ‘The best things happen while your dancing’ by Irving Berlin from the film White Christmas
5. ‘Don’t laugh at me cause I’m a fool’ by Norman Wisdom

And finally, without a shadow of doubt ‘Always look on the bright side of life’ from Monty Python’s ‘Life of Brian’ 😉

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