Tag Archives: decisions

I’m one big disappointment!

Why do I feel that I am one big disappointment after another in my father’s eyes?clock

He was the one who taught me to be independent, and yet I failed.

He was the one who taught me that if you work hard you reap the rewards, and yet I failed.

He was the one who taught me to be careful, and yet I failed.

Everything I try, I do to try to please my father, and yet I fail.

Even when other people ‘lavish’ praise on my efforts, not one word of praise escapes my fathers lips.

I can’t even remember my father saying he loved me, like most fathers do to their offspring.

I’m at a crossroads in my life where I need to make big decisions about where I am headed in order to make a good life for SC.

Yet in my father’s eyes everything is black and white – I have to do either A or B.

I have ideas, but he says that they should just be sidelines – yet the problem is, and a lesson I have learned from bitter experience past is that if I go down route A and dabble with ideas, then the ideas are just another chalked-up failure. You cannot do, and give your full attention to 2 different things, especially if you have attention needed from a SC – it just doesn’t work.

Fate, apparently, throws at us what it feels we can deal with.

But you know what?

I’m tired.

I don’t want to have to fight to keep my head above the water every single hour of every single day.

I don’t want to give up, I’m not a quitter, but right now I feel I have no other option.

I want time. Time for me to prove my worth. Time for me to be a good mum (instead of the failure I feel). Time for me to be me.

But I don’t have time.

The clock never stops ticking (which is probably why I hate loud ticking clocks).

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The time has come…

…the walrus said, “to think of other things!”walrus and carpenter

Unfortunately, not of shoes and ships and ceiling wax, but weighing up my current work with reality.

Currently, on a scale of 1 to 10, job satisfaction rating is 15!!

I love what I do. I work with children from 6mths upwards – different nurseries, playgroups, etc. And to walk into ‘work’ and see children’s faces light up when I walk in and for them to be eager to share their thoughts about what they’ve been doing, or some piece of news gives me the best feeling in the world.

On the flip side though, I am currently, and have been for the last 2 years working for less than nothing, which is not an ideal situation for a single mother who needs to provide.

And nothing I do seems to increase the coffers.

So I am pretty much at that crossroads where I have to make a decision. Do I:

a) carry on as I am at present – loving the job but continually stressed about trying to find ways to earn something;

b) refine what I’m doing at present, find a different avenue, based on the same theme, but not tied to any franchise (which cuts out fees, which would increase monthly revenue and remove the stress levels (well at least abate them a little))

c) Do something else! Either go back to what I did BC (Before Child), or find something else to do…

I am the world’s worst when it comes to decision-making.

But I’ve got to do something, right?

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