Tag Archives: dating

To Schmooze or Not To Schmooze…

… That is the question!schmooze

According to Urban Dictionary the definition of “Schmooze” is: Making ingratiating small talk – talk that is business oriented, designed to both provide and solicit personal information but avoids overt pitching. Most often an artifact of “networking.” It is more art than science but can be learned.

But, blimey Charlie is schmoozing difficult!

I admit I can’t do it.

I can’t do small talk. I can’t talk to someone with an underlying intent of getting something out of it.

I never have been able to.

When I left drama school we had the usual showcase performance with casting directors and agents attending with the ‘networking’ after – but false situations like that fill me with dread and after 5 minutes I had to leave.

I simply don’t have the courage to just walk up to someone and start a random conversation in order to find out who they are and what I can get out of them – be it a job, a sale, etc.

How do you do it?

How can you learn it?

As a business owner I’ve attended business networking events – and the same thing. I can’t talk about myself. I’m happy to listen to other people, but opening up and making the right kind of schmoozy noises, I find excruciatingly painful.

Even if I try to put on a different persona and ‘act’ the part I still fail, because deep down I’m just too nervous, believe that people can see right through me and never know quite what to say – there’s a reason I always hated improve classes at drama school!  (I’m one of those people who can never quite get the right words out, and then 5 minutes later think “damn, I should have said that!”)

Thankfully, these days I don’t need to go to networking events – the business area I’m in doesn’t hang out at the normal business events. But I have to do the dreaded cold calling! Which I find slightly easier, because it’s on the phone and I have a script. Then if I get to meet a prospective client it’s because I’ve already spoken to them and they want to hear more – so it’s not a cold, having to make small talk situation.

That’s probably why I’m so rubbish when it comes to dating. I’ve always been able to talk to boys/men, but when it comes to one I actually like and they ask me out for coffee I’m actually petrified of saying or doing the wrong thing that when I try to be myself I always end up looking a complete wally.

If anyone has any tips on how to schmooze effectively, please let me know – I think I need all the help I can get 😉

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Mind Games

Why is it inherent in our human nature to play games?

I’m not talking about recreational sport, but games with people.

Mr Wrong No. 1 and No. 2 both were expert mind game players – whether they did it intentionally or not.

I was always made to feel wrong, stupid and generally not good enough. And because they made me feel like this, I used to go along with whatever they wanted to do, go, etc. I never had any say. They also used to pick at what I wore and how I wore my hair. Making little digs and sly comments.

Now, it could always have been that I was too subservient in that, due to previous experiences I didn’t want to do anything to rock the so-called boat, and therefore just cow-towed and agreed with them.

I have been the one, throughout my life where I have watched other women treat men like dirt and yet they themselves are still treated like princesses. Whereas if I dared to disagree or stamp my little foot I have been shown the door – no, not shown ,literally thrown out the door – before the stamping foot reached the floor!

But wherever the fault lies I, myself don’t play mind games.

I am now in a place where I know who I am and am happy and content with that.

I don’t fit moulds – I break them. I cannot change myself to someone elses ideal. If they want me, they get me – warts and all, If they want me to change me – they will be disappointed.

But what is the point of games?

I don’t get this whole “rule” thing about dating.

If you like someone, be you male or female, what is so wrong in just being open and telling them?

Why do you have to go through the pointless, and dare I say, pathetic routine game playing?

Why shouldn’t a girl text a bloke and say “fancy a drink?”

Why should a bloke string 2 girls along til he can decide which one he prefers? (I must point out that this of course applies to women stringing 2 blokes along as well)

Why should we sit around looking at our phones wishing they would call or text? Why don’t we just think “screw it” and call/text them?

Why do we hit the panic button over the “L” word? Why has society built such a small word up to such an extent that it feels like when you say it, what you are actually saying is “I’m using this as a test to see whether you will say it back!” When in reality that little word actually just means you have touched another person’s heart and soul? Does it really matter a fig who says it first? Does it matter really if the other person doesn’t say it back? We all know our own hearts, we cannot dictate another’s, so maybe the other person doesn’t say it back, it doesn’t mean they don’t, though of course it might!

Dating should be fun – not akin to playing a tactical game of chess or Strategy.

I mean clearly, that’s why I’m a disaster zone.

Surely, it should just be a case of I like you, you like me. Let’s go out and have some fun.

Starting out as friends and if you feel “chemistry” (and I use the word very loosely) – surely that’s an even better place to start.

Getting to know someone surely should be a time of excitement and joy, not feeling stressed because you feel you must play the game and follow the ‘dating rules’?

Isn’t it time society ripped up the so-called rules and made a new set?

Of course, it’s all very well for me to talk, but if truth be told I would be the last person to do that.

I would love to be able to just say “hey, no pressure, let’s go out for a drink?”

But I fear my heart has been broken too many times.

 

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Do people date anymore?

Just a thought I had the other day.

Not that I’ve been on ‘a date’ for a while, but do people actually go on ‘dates’ as such, or is it just a case of going to the pub?

Now, I know I’m old-fashioned, and a truly soppy sentimental romantic, but where’s the romance?

Walks in the moonlight, whirling around the dance floor, sitting drinking coffee in places where you can actually hear yourself speak…

Isn’t the whole point of a ‘date’ a chance for you to get to really know what could be ‘the person of your dreams’?

Or has courtship truly gone flying out the window?

Walks in the moonlight? So 1950s I know, and in the middle of winter, I’d agree hardly the best look wrapped up in scarves, coats and gloves!

Whirling around the dance floor? The only place to dance is the local nightclub, and to get in there these days you have to be a maximum age of 12, it would appear, and seriously can anyone understand any lyrics of songs today, let alone dance to them?

Even in coffee lounges, once 6pm arrives, the music is cranked up so it resembles a low-key nightclub!

So how do you get to know a person?

What do people these days base a relationship on?

I know Mr Wrong No. 2 based relationships on sex. If he wasn’t ‘getting any’ he assumed there was no relationship.

In my humble little opinion, if you base a relationship on sex purely, then what happens when that part is over? There seems to be nothing left, apart from wondering what on earth you were doing with the other person.

For me, I base relationships on friendship. First and foremost, you have to like each, get along and be able to talk to each other. Once you’ve got that firm base, everything else should just fall into place, shouldn’t it?

It seems to me, people these days are in too much of a hurry to get to the physical side of stuff. I’m not like that (OMG! I really should have been born 100 years ago!). I’m not the kind of girl to just jump into bed with any Tom, Dick or Harry, at the drop of a hat, it has to mean something before I do.

But I digress, this post is about dating.

So what would your ideal date be? What would you do?

Mine? Mmmm?

If someone asked me out on a ‘date’, I’d like to be able to go somewhere I could dress up a little (I’m not talking tiaras and ball gowns). Due to my job, I spend all day in jeans, T-shirt and trainers, and I like wearing nice dresses and heels.

I’d like to be picked up, maybe given flowers (optional), and go to the theatre, a jazz club, or just somewhere with low-key music, where there’s an opportunity to talk, but also somewhere with a bit of life.

For a ‘cheap date’ a walk in the moonlight and star-gazing, would be perfect.

And, should dating stop if a relationship moves further along?

I’d say no – after all, it keeps something special alive.

I know couples that keep one night a month free, to go on a date – almost to rekindle the flame.

If I ever got to that stage, that would just be such an easy one – candles, DVD and cuddles is all this girl would need 😉

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