Tag Archives: curve balls

A-Z of Life – Insecurities

insecuritiesThose little niggles that we all get that we are not good enough, or we’ve done something wrong but we don’t know what (or is that just me?).

Those little worries that just sit there quietly eating away at all the other thoughts in your head.

Until they grow so large they are all you can think of and not only that but they are completely true and you aren’t good enough, and it’s always your fault.

Annoying, aren’t they?

But how do you conquer those little niggling doubts inside your head?

Is it possible?

More importantly though, do you want to?

Personally, I think that if you want to get rid of them, it’s most definitely possible. After all, as Buddha said:

What you think, you become.

What you feel, you attract.

What you imagine, you create.

So, if all you can think and dwell on are insecurities, the wrongs people have done you, etc, etc, etc, then all you attract is more of the bad stuff and none of the good stuff.

But how do you change?

Well, it’s not easy, but it does all start with that very question.

If you know you want things to change, and you know you have to change in order to make that happen, then believe me, you are on the road there.

I have come full circle.

When I was little no one was ever going to beat me – at anything.

And then life happened and I let life beat me. I let everything else control me, but me. I clammed up and hid. I was totally afraid to show any feelings, I was never good enough for anyone, I was never good at anything and even if I showed any hint there was always someone only too willing to slap me back down into my place again.

I spent the best part of my life being afraid.

But then, a couple of years ago I had an epiphany.

It wasn’t one of those Damascene (?) epiphanies, more a case of a culmination of a whole heap of crap (for want of a better word) and me saying “STOP! I’ve had it!”

I knew I couldn’t change other people, but I sure as hell could change myself and how I reacted to certain situations.

Since reading is what I do best, I read and read anything I could get my hands on regarding personal development and changing perspectives. I’ve read about chimps, psychopaths, the universe, gratitude, psychic vibrations, etc. Some brilliant, some good and some not so good.

Little by little I managed to chip away at those in-built insecurities that had been a permanent fixture in my head for more years than I care to remember.

And you know what?

I’ve come to like myself again. I may not be to everyone’s cup of tea, but I’m mine.

I’ve realised that I have a right to be here, just as much as anyone else, and I don’t need to excuse my presence to anyone, especially not me.

What ever happened in the past is exactly where it needs to stay. Firmly in the past. I have learned from everything that has happened to try to make myself a better human being. By forgiving others and equally forgiving myself has lifted that feeling of eternal guilt that I am always in the wrong.

I am responsible for my own happiness, no one else is.

I have learned that I cannot control anything else apart from my actions – and if truth be told, that’s quite a scary one to learn, especially as I don’t like the feeling of uncertainty – but I take a deep breath and enjoy those opportunities and curve balls. After all the fun is in the journey.

I have learned that worrying doesn’t solve anything. It actually makes things worse. By worrying we create problems out of nothing. And going back to Buddha if we are feeling worried, insecure and not in a good place nothing good will come into our lives.

They’ll never completely go away, the fear and insecurities, but by flipping my thinking I have now learned that they are merely opportunities in disguise. A further chance for me grow by casting the ghosts of insecurities past aside and simply trusting.

Never mind Peter Pan saying “to die will be an awfully big adventure”, living is the biggest adventure of all.

Life is amazing.

Life can be wonderful, if we just stop worrying, start trusting, start believing and more importantly love.

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Top 5 Lessons I’ve Learned in Life

You may be seated, class is about to begin 😉life

As I’ve meandered through this thing called life, this is what I have learned, so far:

5.  Don’t get on the negative horses – such as anger, bitterness, self-pity, self-doubt, etc. If someone or something has happened to you then yes, your first reaction may be something negative. But if you stay with that negative frame of mind then that is your choice, not the person, or thing, that hurt you. And then the only person you are hurting is yourself. This is a phrase I have only recently discovered and yes, at times it is very difficult to stay off those damn horses, especially if SC is faffing about when it comes to getting homework done (I swear pulling hen’s teeth would be easier!). But I am getting better at letting those negative horses stay grazing in the field, whilst I stay with the positive team 😉

4.  Treat everyone with kindness – yes, they may not treat you the same in return, but surely that says more about them than you. And by treating everyone with kindness, even if it is just a smile, or offering your seat to someone, then you could make a difference to that person’s day. So my act of kindness today is to send everyone a big smile. 🙂

3.  Keep Learning – learning doesn’t stop when you finish school. The more we learn, the more we grow as people. And we learn and grow from life experiences, and if we don’t then life will keep throwing the same stuff at you until you do learn it. It’s a bit like continuous assessment rather than actually ever having to sit down and take an exam. I think one of the toughest lessons I’ve learned is when it comes to relationships to just let it flow. When I first went out with Boomerang Boy we saw each other continuously for 3 weeks, then it was a case of adios senorita. When I next went out with someone and he dumped me I was accused of being too clingy. Then I went to the other extreme and got accused of being too cold and distant! (And yes, I did tut and think “MEN! ARGH!”) But now, if I ever got the chance I would take it slowly and let them do most of the chasing – after all isn’t that what men really want, it’s the whole hunter/gatherer thing – and if they say they’re busy I wouldn’t freak out, like I would have done way back when, I would give them their space and wait for them to come back from the man cave. And if they don’t, then clearly their chapter in my life is over, and I would give thanks for the memories and let go – after all “I’m not a stop along the way, I’m a destination!”

2. Grab life by the Balls (‘scuse my language!) – you’ve got to. You only get one life and as they say “it’s not a dress rehearsal darling!”. Why just exist, when you can live? You have to grab each and every opportunity and curve ball life throws at you. Embrace them, live them. They may be good or not so good. If they are good then your life will be enriched and if they are not so good then you learn and grow from them. There are 86,400 seconds in each day, and I have started pretending after reading it somewhere (think it was one of the quote things I found on Pinterest) that if we think of them as £86,400 that we have to spend each and every day, where no money gets rolled over, you have to spend it all, and wisely, why on earth would you waste a single second? After all, we never know when there won’t be a tomorrow!

1.  Be You, wholeheartedly  – as the saying goes “why fit in when you were born to stand out!” I remind SC of this fairly regularly, and explain that it has taken me most of my life to actually work it out. I am, at last, happy and contented in my own skin. I know who I am, what I am and, equally important what I am not. And I most certainly am not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. I have many faults but I take each one and try to improve them. I am quirky, some may even call me strange and weird, but does that bother me? Nope. Not any more. No one can be anything other than themselves really. We can try to fit into some kind of mould that society wants us to, but that doesn’t make us happy. It makes us miserable, as we try desperately to please everyone and make others like us for what we are not. We can only be truly happy by being true to ourselves. And the most important thing I have learned about being me, is that the only person I need ever aim to please is me.

So, there you go, they are my Top 5 lessons I have learned.

What have you learned on your journey through life?

 

 

 

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Being Me

“Be yourself!”

Isn’t that what we’re always told when we’re growing up?

But yet, when we are ourselves, if we don’t ‘fit in’ to society’s nice little pigeon holes we are derided, ridiculed, shunned and made to feel worthless.

Just because we dared to be ourselves. Dared to be different.

That’s when we start to hide our true selves, hide behind a mask, hide behind a façade, hide our feelings from the world, scared to let the world see the real us.

I’ve spent most of my life apologising.

Apologising for what? Apologising for being me and then trying desperately to be something and someone that I’m just clearly not meant to be.

I built up walls around myself to protect me from everything – life, people, the world, myself – but those walls kept me a prisoner.

I was afraid to be me.

And yet life went on. The world kept spinning, time kept marching on and I just existed.

But. And it’s a big but.

I realised in the end you have to be yourself, otherwise you are just living a lie.

As I said in my 1st post of this new blog, over the past couple of years I have undergone a transformation. I have been Joshua and those walls of Jericho have come tumbling down.

I have forgiven myself and come to love who I am.

I have learned from mistakes past and grown.

I always look on the bright side and try to see the kindness in others.

I try to start each day on a positive note and am thankful for everything I am and everything I have.

For sure there are days when I do let things get to me, but instead of worrying, hiding or beating myself up, I just let life flow and make the most of every opportunity or curve ball life throws me.

I know I’m not perfect and I’m not even pretending I am, but I’m right now I feel more alive than I have ever done … and it’s a great feeling 😉

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All Smoke and No Sparkle

Like a couple of fireworks in the box I bought to set off in the garden for SC this evening my life has felt like this for the last couple of weeks.

I feel like I’ve been trudging through thick, dense fog unable to see myself clearly or indeed the path I am travelling on. Life has well and truly got on top of me, in all aspects.

And like a damp firework my sparkle has almost been extinguished.

I feel very down, apathetic, and my confidence is teetering on the brink.

What I need is someone to give me a good … slap and tell me to pull myself together.

I need to reconnect and start feeling positive again. Only I can do this.

So what’s bothering me?

Work mainly. I have a plan, but have I got the smarts to pull it off?

It is at times like these working for yourself is a bit of a bu**er to say the least. You are literally on your own, so you have to work things out for yourself. I know what I’m not so hot on, maybe I should (seeing as this is a dire emergency) outsource the preliminary work. But then, having been stabbed in the back so many times I am not very trusting, at the best of times, especially when it comes to business – it’s every man for himself!

I feel like I’m juggling far too many balls for my liking. Maybe, the sensible option is to let a couple drop for a while until I get the hang of juggling the few I need, and then start throwing in the odd curve ball?

Too many eggs and all that.

I’ve also been letting idle tittle-tattle and gossip get to me. Nowhere near  as bad as before. It’s something I shouldn’t let affect me, but when you’re feeling a bit down about things the little things just seem to compound and knock your confidence just that little bit further each time.

However, all is not lost.

Like the damp firework, the fuse is still burning, so the danger warning is still relevant.

I may not be as sparkly at the moment as the firework next to me, but I’m still fizzing.

And the fizzing will get stronger and stronger every day until little sparks of colour start firing in all directions. These sparks will get bigger and then watch out!

Sparkle Central 😉

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