Tag Archives: control

A-Z of Life – Insecurities

insecuritiesThose little niggles that we all get that we are not good enough, or we’ve done something wrong but we don’t know what (or is that just me?).

Those little worries that just sit there quietly eating away at all the other thoughts in your head.

Until they grow so large they are all you can think of and not only that but they are completely true and you aren’t good enough, and it’s always your fault.

Annoying, aren’t they?

But how do you conquer those little niggling doubts inside your head?

Is it possible?

More importantly though, do you want to?

Personally, I think that if you want to get rid of them, it’s most definitely possible. After all, as Buddha said:

What you think, you become.

What you feel, you attract.

What you imagine, you create.

So, if all you can think and dwell on are insecurities, the wrongs people have done you, etc, etc, etc, then all you attract is more of the bad stuff and none of the good stuff.

But how do you change?

Well, it’s not easy, but it does all start with that very question.

If you know you want things to change, and you know you have to change in order to make that happen, then believe me, you are on the road there.

I have come full circle.

When I was little no one was ever going to beat me – at anything.

And then life happened and I let life beat me. I let everything else control me, but me. I clammed up and hid. I was totally afraid to show any feelings, I was never good enough for anyone, I was never good at anything and even if I showed any hint there was always someone only too willing to slap me back down into my place again.

I spent the best part of my life being afraid.

But then, a couple of years ago I had an epiphany.

It wasn’t one of those Damascene (?) epiphanies, more a case of a culmination of a whole heap of crap (for want of a better word) and me saying “STOP! I’ve had it!”

I knew I couldn’t change other people, but I sure as hell could change myself and how I reacted to certain situations.

Since reading is what I do best, I read and read anything I could get my hands on regarding personal development and changing perspectives. I’ve read about chimps, psychopaths, the universe, gratitude, psychic vibrations, etc. Some brilliant, some good and some not so good.

Little by little I managed to chip away at those in-built insecurities that had been a permanent fixture in my head for more years than I care to remember.

And you know what?

I’ve come to like myself again. I may not be to everyone’s cup of tea, but I’m mine.

I’ve realised that I have a right to be here, just as much as anyone else, and I don’t need to excuse my presence to anyone, especially not me.

What ever happened in the past is exactly where it needs to stay. Firmly in the past. I have learned from everything that has happened to try to make myself a better human being. By forgiving others and equally forgiving myself has lifted that feeling of eternal guilt that I am always in the wrong.

I am responsible for my own happiness, no one else is.

I have learned that I cannot control anything else apart from my actions – and if truth be told, that’s quite a scary one to learn, especially as I don’t like the feeling of uncertainty – but I take a deep breath and enjoy those opportunities and curve balls. After all the fun is in the journey.

I have learned that worrying doesn’t solve anything. It actually makes things worse. By worrying we create problems out of nothing. And going back to Buddha if we are feeling worried, insecure and not in a good place nothing good will come into our lives.

They’ll never completely go away, the fear and insecurities, but by flipping my thinking I have now learned that they are merely opportunities in disguise. A further chance for me grow by casting the ghosts of insecurities past aside and simply trusting.

Never mind Peter Pan saying “to die will be an awfully big adventure”, living is the biggest adventure of all.

Life is amazing.

Life can be wonderful, if we just stop worrying, start trusting, start believing and more importantly love.

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Perpetual Sacrifice

I have just started reading an amazing book, called “The Ascent of Humanity”, by Charles Eisenstein.

Now, normally I would skim read and finish a book within a matter of hours, however this book is very thick, in-depth and makes you think. So I am taking my time to read, inwardly digest and re-read to ensure I have the right understanding of the matter.

I’m only on Chapter 2, but there was a phrase used which got me thinking.

“Perpetual sacrifice”

The idea being that we constantly live in this state of being, in a state of perpetual sacrifice. Where we effectively put off chasing our dreams, in order to survive today, or as the author puts it sacrificing the present for the future…which never comes!

You see it and hear it constantly – “work before play”, “no pain, no gain”, “control yourself”, etc.

How many of us have unfulfilled dreams that seem as far off achieving today and when we first started dreaming about them, whether it be travelling the world, writing a novel or even something as mundane like starting a new hobby?

How many of us always seem to say “too busy, too much to do, I’ll do it tomorrow!”

But in reality, does tomorrow ever come?

It generally transpires that all those hopes and dreams we cling to, that we will get round to doing tomorrow never get done and at the end of our days we will say “I wish I’d done that!”

I’m not saying we should all throw in our jobs and just go off follow our dreams, but we should make time to at least start fulfilling some of them, shouldn’t we?

All personal coaches and the such talk about a work-life balance and being able to create a good one.

However, in reality, doesn’t work always seem to win out over the ‘life’ part.

Despite all the technology at our disposal, life doesn’t seem to get easier, we work harder, longer and how many of you take androids, tablets, blackberry’s and other hand-held devices on holiday, on family outings in order to ‘stay in touch’ with the office?

And why? Is it because it is the norm, and it is expected of you? Is it a case of if you don’t then you will be seen to be not working as hard as someone who does? Who decided this?

I’ll admit, I don’t have a job working for someone else, so I don’t understand office politics and games. But, going off topic slightly, I did get addicted, for want of a better word, to checking my emails, phone message, posting on social media sites, etc. I then took SC on holiday and for that week apart from my mobile, which only calls and texts, I did not ‘check in’ once – and let me tell you it was liberating 😉

But getting back on track, sacrifice.

How do we ‘make time’ in a constantly demanding world where the work part takes an ever-increasing amount of time away from us – time we could spend with our family, our health, our leisure activities?

Should we just, maybe, say “enough is enough” and when we get home in the evening forget about work, and at the weekend turn off all ‘work-related’ devices?

Or should we just continue the path we are walking and let the future stay as far ahead as ever?

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Aiming for Perfection…

…it appears I’ve been doing this all my life.

I’ve always been competitive, ever since I was little, I was not going to let anyone beat me.

But the only thing I was fighting, in the end, was myself and my ideals of how things should turn out.

I didn’t fight the bullies. I fought myself. I beat myself up as to why I was targeted.

And fighting against this invisible force, striving for a seemingly ‘perfect life like everyone else’ was the goal.

Yet at the end of the day I didn’t fight, it was just my survival tactic kicking in. By suppressing all the anger I felt and all the fear of losing control if I did get mad, fighting myself and striving for perfection was just me taking back control.

And yet by trying to control my life this way I’ve just been going round and round in those ever decreasing circles, not going anywhere, not succeeding at anything, all the time blaming myself.

Why was I angry?

Because when I was bullied, that was the first time I let anyone beat me!

Without putting up a fight, I just let them win. Overnight I was transformed into a shy, timid little girl, hiding any spark of talent under the nearest and most dense bush!

And whenever something happens in my life that I can’t control, I end up being that little girl again – afraid of her own shadow, afraid of letting others see how I really feel, frightened and lonely.

Oh, I’m very good at putting on a brave face and faking it! I may fool the world into thinking that I have no feelings and I don’t hurt, but behind the sunny smile there is just a lost, frightened little girl.

But, I’ve come to realise that I can’t control everything.

If I do something I can give it my best shot and control my input, but I cannot control the result.

I am going to feel frightened, lost, confused, angry and a whole gamut of emotions, but I just need to ride the emotional tide and not suppress my feelings any more.

And I just need to give myself a break from rowing!

Sit on the boat in the middle of the river and let the current carry me to wherever my destiny lies.

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Why do women have an unhealthy interest in food?

Why do we beat ourselves up trying to look like those impossibly skinny stick insects that parade up and down the catwalks of Milan, Paris, London and New York?

Why do magazines berate anyone in celeb-dom that looks vaguely healthy because, goodness me, they have curves and maybe just a little bit of a tummy?

Why does anyone think that looking like a bag of bones covered in skin is vaguely attractive?

… because at some point in our lives we all do.

Take me.

I have never been overweight, but that has not stopped my life being ruled by food. In times of trouble and stress it has been the one thing I used to control my life.

My unhealthy obsession with food started in my formative years.

I did Ballet like most little girls, and was always being told to hold my ribs in. Now when I was little, I thought this was an indication that I was fat, it was only later when I started developing that I realised my ribs naturally stuck out.

When the bullying started at secondary school, that’s when the anorexic tendencies began. I say tendencies because I never did the full throwing up stuff.

I just stopped eating.

I literally lived on a sandwich a day for nearly 2 years, until my parents found out what was happening.

Once life started returning to semi-normality I put weight on. But then I hated what I saw in the mirror.

I saw a big ugly ball of fat.

So, I started to control my food again. I would exercise in secret, forgo meals, but pretend I had eaten, where I could.

At sixth form my confidence wasn’t helped by the other pupils. I was constantly being called ugly, stupid, and then when they saw me in a bathing costume that’s when the taunts about my rib-cage got worse. Obviously I was some deformed mutant as I had 4 boobs!

At 17, I went under the knife. I had excess costal cartilage removed – if I remember correctly I had about 4 inches shaved off one ribcage and 5 off the other. Some may call it vanity, for me it was more of a psychological barrier. With the object of taunting removed maybe I could regain some self-confidence.

But I still hated what I saw in the mirror!

When I was at university fending for myself for the first time I put weight on – to the extent my mum taunted me (not in a vile way, just jokingly) about it – so I did something about it.

This time I didn’t starve, but  lost weight carefully, although I did start obsessing about what I put in my mouth.

The one thing I couldn’t live without was biscuits. And if I got down about my studies I would have a cup of tea and happily munch through literally a packet of biscuits, without thinking anything, until afterwards.

I had some really good friends at uni – most of whom I have lost contact with – but I will never forget their concern at the beginning of our final year when I came back weighing pretty much the least I’ve ever weighed. I weighed just under 7 stone – and I stand 5’9″ tall. So I did look like a lollipop long before it became a popular look in Hollywood. If we went out for a meal, and I went to the bathroom someone would always tailgate me to make sure I wasn’t throwing up. Not that I ever did – seriously couldn’t do it. I tried it once, but who likes being sick?

For that I will be eternally grateful. They were true friends.

Throughout my twenties I didn’t starve myself, I just became obsessed that I didn’t eat too much. I would live on one meal a day. I didn’t have breakfast. I went to work and lived on water and then ate a small meal in the evenings. I did still binge on biscuits.

But I was in control, or so I thought.

Looking back, I was not in control rather my obsession was controlling me.

From the taunts that haunted me about being ugly and the one that has scarred me for most of my adult life that the only person who would go out with me would either be blind, drunk or mad the only thing I thought was that if I lost just a little bit more weight I would be prettier. I could not look in the mirror. I hated what I saw. I just saw the imperfections.

Through Mr Wong No. 1 until I got pregnant I would always use food as my coping mechanism.

If I was stressed I would stop eating, when I was depressed I binged. Simple.

Nowadays, I have thrown away the scales. I do not weigh myself. If I can fit comfortably into my jeans, great. If not, I cut down on the carbohydrates until I can. I am not obsessive any more. I have finally given up biscuits and now find I cannot actually eat them. But if I fancy a piece of cake I will have a piece of cake.

I try to eat healthily and ensure I get adequate exercise.

It’s taken me most of my life to realise that I am not an ugly ball of fat. I am what I am. Like everyone I have good bits and bad bits. I just focus on the good nowadays.

 

 

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“Oh man! Grow some fuzz on your peaches!”

… is quite the most funniest thing I’ve heard in quite some time.

But ladies isn’t it true?

Despite feminism and equality we actually still want men to be men and take charge. Not dither, skirt or pussyfoot around!

Just wanted to share the saying with you 😉

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