Tag Archives: confidence

10 Things I Want to do in 2014

Now, let me state from the outset this is not a list of New Year Resolutions.

It is just a list of things I would like to do during the coming year – some off the bucket list, some not.

So , here goes, in no particular order:

  1. Read Tolstoy’s “War and Peace” – I’m up to Chapter 5, still another 98% to go according to the Kindle.
  2. Learn to speak Spanish – so I can understand and answer back. I’ve already bought a ‘speak-a-long’ CD which is pretty good, so I’m hoping to finish that and practice with some of the mums at school – who, thankfully just happen to speak Spanish 😉
  3. Learn to play the piano – at least learn how to read to the left hand line of music and know where the notes go and bash out a simple tune.
  4. Take a singing exam – just for fun.
  5. Learn to knit and actually knit something!
  6. Go and see Mamma Mia – dressing up optional 😉
  7. Try and do one of my exercise DVDs every day – yes, this might actually be straying into resolution territory, but I have some 10 minute workout DVD’s which are great and I am sure I can squeeze 10 minutes in a day … somewhere 😉 Need to work on my core strength – at the moment it sucks and a better core will help my posture in ballroom – apparently 😉 It might also tilt my pelvis back into its proper alignment – miracles do happen!
  8. Train my chimp so I can actually get things done as opposed to constantly doubting myself and my ability and end up doing nothing.
  9. Make and try a different soup each week. It is one of the few ways I can get SC to eat vegetables, and I’m a little tired of mud soup. I have just bought myself the Covent Garden Soup Company “365 Soups” book, so there should be some I can try 😉 Looking at maple roasted parsnip soup for next week, or I might try brussel sprout soup 😉
  10. Start writing my book – long shot one. I have a couple of good ideas, I just need to put them into some sort of coherent structure and plan it.

So, there you have it. 10 things I would like to get around to doing in 2014. Hopefully 75% of them are achievable and I will keep you updated of progress made.

What would you like to do next year?

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What are Angels?

We all know the stereotypical image of angels – chubby cheeks, innocent faces, wings, harps, etc.angels

But “what are angels” was the question posed in church today, as it was St Michael and All Angels Day.

According to the vicar, the word itself has derivations from both Greek and Hebrew meaning spiritual being, which is where I suppose the image of an angel with wings stems from!

Further that it also stems from a belief that when God created the heavens and earth, he created 3 levels – the heavens filled with spiritual beings, earth and the underworld.

Apparently the word angel appears only 300 times in the Bible and only 2 angels are given names – Michael and Gabriel.

But what are angels?

Angels are messengers and are sent to deliver information to us – whether that be a lesson we need to learn, or the confidence that we are on the right path – they are purely messengers.

I believe in angels.

I also believe that angels can be spiritual beings and humans.

Sometimes it is angels in their human form that teaches us our greatest lessons in life, and the spiritual angels that then give us the confidence to keep on going.

I also believe we have guardian angels. Someone sitting, watching over us, helping and guiding us in all we do.

What about you?

Do you think angels are real or are they just mythical beings made up from the realms of fantasy?

Do you believe in Guardian Angels?

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Are Self-Esteem and Ego the Same Thing?

“Ego” is a Latin and Greek word meaning I, and used to describe the self.

“Self-Esteem” is a term used to reflect a person’s overall emotional evaluation of their own worth.

But could they, in fact, be one and the same.

After all if I describe myself (hypothetically) as totally amazing, surely that is me describing myself and how I feel about myself at the same time. And, therefore I could deduce that both my self-esteem and ego were quite large! (Or you could think that I just held far too high an opinion of myself 😉 )

I always assumed, wrongly as it turns out, that they were one and the same thing. That someone with a big ego, and yes full of their own importance, was very confident in themselves and therefore obviously had a high sense of self-worth.

However, I have been reading some articles and books lately that have made me re-think my stance.

As a general rule, it would actually appear that self-esteem and ego are inversely proportional to each other, meaning that someone with a low self-esteem actually has quite a big ego, and vice-versa.

A person with a big ego needs constant reassurance and bolstering up, apparently, whereas a person with high self-esteem is confident enough to not have a ask for compliments!

And that got me thinking about the ghosts of boyfriends past!

Boomerang Boy – big ego and low self-esteem. He always needed to prove his worth, not to me, but to his peers, and was never confident in himself to say no. He always ended up being taken for a fool, which he was not, by making himself the centre of attention with his antics whilst being goaded on by his so-called friends.

Mr Wrong No. 1 – mmm, tricky. I thought he had high self-esteem, but upon further reflection it would appear he was another with low self-esteem and a big ego. He appeared very confident, and indeed is very knowledgeable about a lot of things (I will be forever grateful for everything I learned from him), but was very quick to belittle other people (or maybe it was just me?)

Mr Wrong No. 2 – no question, big ego. The kind of man who would tell you black was white and argue the case even if the truth was staring him in the face. He was of the opinion that his opinion and no one else’s mattered, and took delight in belittling everyone else – especially me!

So, it seems I have a pattern emerging. They have all been the same ‘type’ of man. And I, like a fool, have fallen for the initial façade rather than the person underneath, and when the devil emerged I tried to ignore it, in the hope that it would go away, but all that happened was my life was sucked out of me.

I spent the best part of 20 years wishing things would turn out better with Boomerang Boy. He was my first love. I love him today, but not in that way, he’s more like the brother I never had. I would do anything for him, but as for being in a relationship with him, not a chance.

For my part, I know I have low self-esteem. I am my own worst enemy. I am far too hard on myself and blame myself constantly for anything that goes wrong. That is a fault and, let’s  just say it’s a work in progress 😉

I would like to think though that I do not have a huge ego.

Some people might assume that I have, but most of the time it’s just me trying, really badly, to fit into the company I am with at the time – when to be honest I would rather be at home with a good book, or curled up under a blanket watching a good film.

I do not like being the centre of attention.

Yes, I act, and yes that obviously involves going on stage with shed-loads of people looking at you.

But I don’t do it for the glory, I don’t do for the ego-trip. I do it because it is the one thing I am passionate about, I love it. It enables me to become so much more than I am, I can crawl beneath the skin of a character and, for a while, enjoy being whatever part I am. It’s the one job I would love to be paid for. It’s my life.

I do have my own opinions, which I don’t think is a bad thing. It means that I am confident in my thoughts. However, I do appreciate and respect other people’s opinions and know that sometimes, unintentionally, my opinions, or off-the-cuff remarks may offend others. This is another fault which I am working on repairing.

 

So, it would appear that self-esteem and ego are not the same things.

What do you think?

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The A-Z of Life – Variety

Question!

If variety is the spice of life, why, do we all seem to terrified of change?

When change happens, we are all guilty of being reluctant to embrace it fully in some way.

Variety may be the spice of life, but routine is safe, it’s what we know and sometimes we just don’t want to leave our comfort zone.

For me, I think that’s probably why I never put money into a house. I wanted too, and came close a couple of times. But each time, I was swayed by a couple of external factors – my dad (ever the cautious accountant) saying, that the word was house prices were going to drop in the next couple of months (just don’t buy shares, I think would be my advice to him now) and secondly, myself. If truth be told, I was always too scared to branch out on my own. I’ve already said I am one of nature’s natural born-worriers, and always there would be a barrage of what-ifs that popped into my head, and the worrier in me would outweigh the adventurous me. It always does.

I would like to think that now, with the wisdom of a few more years, I am slightly more adaptable to change, especially having had SC.

In fact, right now, I am embarking on a new voyage of discovery.

The chains which bound me in work for the past couple of years, I have just shaken off, and for the first time in a long time I feel free.

I have so much that I want to do, so many ideas, but first and foremost I have to build myself back up in order to be a hard-core bread-winning machine.

I’ve finally accepted the hand that has been dealt me now, and if I am to be on my own, then that’s the way it’s going to be.

I’ve proved to myself I can deal with my own disasters however painful they may be.

I feel afraid, for sure, but I know I can cope with anything life throws at me – I have the battle scars to prove it. I may have been defeated, more times than I have won battles, but I have not failed, for every single time I dusted myself down and stood back up again stronger and wiser than ever.

I didn’t need anyone before I had SC, I don’t need anyone now!

One of the best books I have read was “Who Moved My Cheese”, by Dr Spencer Johnson is all about the different ways we look at change, which can be applied to any aspect of our lives.

Most of us can embrace change, eventually, and it takes some of us longer than others.

There are some people though who will never be able to embrace change.

As for me, I’m off to find new cheese!

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The A-Z of Life – Opinions

“My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever!”colin-firth111

“That is indeed a failing.”

Possibly one of the more memorable quotes from classic literature from Pride & Prejudice and, of course it means I get an excuse to put a picture of Colin Firth as the gorgeous Mr Darcy on the blog.

But seriously, is it indeed a failing, if your good opinion about something, or someone, is lost and you find it hard to change your mind back again, for want of a better expression?

Let’s take, brussel sprouts, for example. To be honest I actually love them – could quite happily eat a plate with nothing else – in fact I did just that one Christmas…

But obviously for many they are, quite clearly, the food of the devil, vile, little green balls that are like bullets and taste disgusting.

How many people who do not like brussel sprouts, would try them and be honest enough to say, if they did, that they were not too bad – I know that’s going off into the realms of total fantasy, but for the purpose of this exercise is it a failing that they have a bad opinion about brussel sprouts, or is it a failing they may not try them, or is it not actually a failing at all, but merely a case of personal taste being different?

After all we are all different. We cannot all like the same things or indeed have the same opinions about topics like football, politics, who the most beautiful man/woman is in the world, etc.

But that’s things, and in my ‘opinion’ a totally different kettle of fish to people.

If someone betrays your confidence by blabbing your secrets, or the person who said they never wanted to hurt you did just that, or a person pretends to be all sweetness and light to you when all the time they are whispering behind your back is it a failing to not trust that person again?

I don’t trust people easily any more.

And I’m sad that I feel I can’t trust easily any more.

Does that mean I’m a bad person for being cautious about who I confide in after my confidences have been spread around for no more than malicious enjoyment?

Does that mean I’m a bad person for never wanting to trust a man again after all the times I’ve been lied to, let down, used and left heartbroken?

Is it indeed a failing in my psychological make-up that once someone has betrayed me, lost my trust or hurt my feelings that I find it hard to forget?

I can forgive, because that brings my own peace of mind – they know why they did what they did, I can’t change that (no matter how much sometimes I wish I could) – but by forgiving them for hurting me and ensuring another brick gets put up around me I can at least find peace within myself.

I wouldn’t say it was a failing though, because at the end of the day by being cautious about who I trust in the future I am protecting myself – it’s not a foolproof method, but at least I hope it will not make the sting too painful.

And when it comes to football, politics and other such contentious issues I can only quote another famous line from literature “I suggest you stick to two subjects – the weather and everyone’s health!”

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Bucket List – #2 & #24

Very exciting week on the bucket list front.

Have managed to get the lead in the next am-dram musical – yay me! So, that’s another notch on number 2 😉

Obviously I have to duck all the compulsory dagger throwing from people who didn’t get the part for the next few months, but it’s going to be so much fun  and I’m very excited 😉

I worked really hard (probably the hardest I’ve ever done in my life) for this audition. I knew I would be fine with the acting and dancing, but the singing part has always been my weakest area, and one of the songs I needed to hit squarely and start in my belt voice otherwise it would all have gone horribly wrong. I spent the weeks leading up to audition have seven shades of panic about this song and then I had a Eureka! moment, or rather found the most wonderful advice and it worked.

When it came for me to stand up and audition I was confident and for once sang the best I ever have in an audition situation. Literally I could not have sung any better had I tried. I walked away feeling fantastic – and knowing that I couldn’t control the outcome knew I had done my best.

When I found out I had got the part I was over the moon – and SC was made up for me too 😉

And the next bucket list task in progress is learning to swing on a trapeze. I have found a static trapeze class and am going to go in the next fortnight with a couple of mums from school. I shall let you know what it is like. We’re all very excited about it 😉

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All Smoke and No Sparkle

Like a couple of fireworks in the box I bought to set off in the garden for SC this evening my life has felt like this for the last couple of weeks.

I feel like I’ve been trudging through thick, dense fog unable to see myself clearly or indeed the path I am travelling on. Life has well and truly got on top of me, in all aspects.

And like a damp firework my sparkle has almost been extinguished.

I feel very down, apathetic, and my confidence is teetering on the brink.

What I need is someone to give me a good … slap and tell me to pull myself together.

I need to reconnect and start feeling positive again. Only I can do this.

So what’s bothering me?

Work mainly. I have a plan, but have I got the smarts to pull it off?

It is at times like these working for yourself is a bit of a bu**er to say the least. You are literally on your own, so you have to work things out for yourself. I know what I’m not so hot on, maybe I should (seeing as this is a dire emergency) outsource the preliminary work. But then, having been stabbed in the back so many times I am not very trusting, at the best of times, especially when it comes to business – it’s every man for himself!

I feel like I’m juggling far too many balls for my liking. Maybe, the sensible option is to let a couple drop for a while until I get the hang of juggling the few I need, and then start throwing in the odd curve ball?

Too many eggs and all that.

I’ve also been letting idle tittle-tattle and gossip get to me. Nowhere near  as bad as before. It’s something I shouldn’t let affect me, but when you’re feeling a bit down about things the little things just seem to compound and knock your confidence just that little bit further each time.

However, all is not lost.

Like the damp firework, the fuse is still burning, so the danger warning is still relevant.

I may not be as sparkly at the moment as the firework next to me, but I’m still fizzing.

And the fizzing will get stronger and stronger every day until little sparks of colour start firing in all directions. These sparks will get bigger and then watch out!

Sparkle Central 😉

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