Tag Archives: change

A-Z of Life – Insecurities

insecuritiesThose little niggles that we all get that we are not good enough, or we’ve done something wrong but we don’t know what (or is that just me?).

Those little worries that just sit there quietly eating away at all the other thoughts in your head.

Until they grow so large they are all you can think of and not only that but they are completely true and you aren’t good enough, and it’s always your fault.

Annoying, aren’t they?

But how do you conquer those little niggling doubts inside your head?

Is it possible?

More importantly though, do you want to?

Personally, I think that if you want to get rid of them, it’s most definitely possible. After all, as Buddha said:

What you think, you become.

What you feel, you attract.

What you imagine, you create.

So, if all you can think and dwell on are insecurities, the wrongs people have done you, etc, etc, etc, then all you attract is more of the bad stuff and none of the good stuff.

But how do you change?

Well, it’s not easy, but it does all start with that very question.

If you know you want things to change, and you know you have to change in order to make that happen, then believe me, you are on the road there.

I have come full circle.

When I was little no one was ever going to beat me – at anything.

And then life happened and I let life beat me. I let everything else control me, but me. I clammed up and hid. I was totally afraid to show any feelings, I was never good enough for anyone, I was never good at anything and even if I showed any hint there was always someone only too willing to slap me back down into my place again.

I spent the best part of my life being afraid.

But then, a couple of years ago I had an epiphany.

It wasn’t one of those Damascene (?) epiphanies, more a case of a culmination of a whole heap of crap (for want of a better word) and me saying “STOP! I’ve had it!”

I knew I couldn’t change other people, but I sure as hell could change myself and how I reacted to certain situations.

Since reading is what I do best, I read and read anything I could get my hands on regarding personal development and changing perspectives. I’ve read about chimps, psychopaths, the universe, gratitude, psychic vibrations, etc. Some brilliant, some good and some not so good.

Little by little I managed to chip away at those in-built insecurities that had been a permanent fixture in my head for more years than I care to remember.

And you know what?

I’ve come to like myself again. I may not be to everyone’s cup of tea, but I’m mine.

I’ve realised that I have a right to be here, just as much as anyone else, and I don’t need to excuse my presence to anyone, especially not me.

What ever happened in the past is exactly where it needs to stay. Firmly in the past. I have learned from everything that has happened to try to make myself a better human being. By forgiving others and equally forgiving myself has lifted that feeling of eternal guilt that I am always in the wrong.

I am responsible for my own happiness, no one else is.

I have learned that I cannot control anything else apart from my actions – and if truth be told, that’s quite a scary one to learn, especially as I don’t like the feeling of uncertainty – but I take a deep breath and enjoy those opportunities and curve balls. After all the fun is in the journey.

I have learned that worrying doesn’t solve anything. It actually makes things worse. By worrying we create problems out of nothing. And going back to Buddha if we are feeling worried, insecure and not in a good place nothing good will come into our lives.

They’ll never completely go away, the fear and insecurities, but by flipping my thinking I have now learned that they are merely opportunities in disguise. A further chance for me grow by casting the ghosts of insecurities past aside and simply trusting.

Never mind Peter Pan saying “to die will be an awfully big adventure”, living is the biggest adventure of all.

Life is amazing.

Life can be wonderful, if we just stop worrying, start trusting, start believing and more importantly love.

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Who has made an impact on your life?

As the song from the musical “Wicked” goes:wicked

I’ve heard it said,
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are lead to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.

And it’s also true that until we learn the lesson we are meant to learn, we will keep making the same mistake.

Something SC said to me this morning struck a chord.  He mentioned a friend of mine he had met once, for only a couple of hours, with such affection it got me thinking.

So, I think it just goes to show that it doesn’t matter who we meet in our journey through life, some people will always make an impact for better or worse and whether they are in your life for a long time or a short time.

SC has made a positive impact in my life in more than one way. For him to grow up to be the person I want him to be, I have to be that person myself, so he has forced me to do a lot of soul-searching about positive ways to live my life and be happy, so he can grow up to be a confident young man.

My headmaster at junior school made a big impact on my life. It was him who helped me develop my love of all things numerical.

I credit one guy (I can’t even remember his name) with making me realise what I wanted to do with my life. After watching a movie, which I spent several minutes dissecting (as is my want sometimes), he turned round and said to me “acting’s what you want to do, isn’t it?” Up until that point, theatre was something I just did. I’d grown up dancing and having drama lessons as a means of working off energy and developing a clear speaking voice. But that one comment made me realise that, yes, that’s what I did want to do. Writing it down now, some 20 years later, still makes me dream. Yes, I went to drama school and did a bit of professional stuff. Nothing major, but I never lose hope that one day … maybe 😉

So, who has made an impact on your life, in a positive or negative way?

And I might as well finish with another quote from that amazing “Wicked” song, and, yes, I confess this is the point in the show where I am blubbing like a baby into my tissue, and just reading the lyrics makes me well up – so if you’ll excuse me, I’ll leave you with the lyrics, whilst I go and find a tissue (sniff, sniff)…

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime.
So, let me say before we part:
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.
You’ll be with me
Like a hand print on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you’ll have rewritten mine
By being my friend.

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea.
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird
In a distant wood.
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good.

 

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2013 – A Year of Change

Apparently 2013 is a big year – the numbers when added up together make 6, which signifies change.

According to the lady who did my tarot cards a few months back, at any rate!

Whether you are a believer or sceptic of all things tarot/psychic/etc, I still believe things happen for a reason, whether you have a little tip-off or not!

She said that the next 8-10 weeks for me would be fairly traumatic.

Boy! She could not have got that more right if she had been sitting on my shoulder.

In a nutshell, let’s do a run down of my life in the last 12 weeks:

Thought I’d found ‘him’, but I hadn’t;

Didn’t know I was, until I wasn’t;

Didn’t like what I was doing, so I don’t any more.

It has been, to say the least, one hell of a ride!

And, to be brutally honest, not one that I would volunteer to go on again.

But I have emerged.

Battle-worn, scarred, but still very much alive and breathing.

I thought a couple of years ago I had reached rock bottom, but seems there was still a little way left for me to fall.

I am at the very bottom.

But I am still smiling and I am very much blessed in many ways.

I have SC.

I have my health.

I have my pride and self-respect.

I have a brain that still works.

I have the passion and drive to succeed.

I have so much to be thankful for.

I am free.

And, do you know what, since it is  a year for change, I don’t think I’m going to start climbing back up that mountain!

I’m going to build me a whole new one 😉

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The A-Z of Life – Variety

Question!

If variety is the spice of life, why, do we all seem to terrified of change?

When change happens, we are all guilty of being reluctant to embrace it fully in some way.

Variety may be the spice of life, but routine is safe, it’s what we know and sometimes we just don’t want to leave our comfort zone.

For me, I think that’s probably why I never put money into a house. I wanted too, and came close a couple of times. But each time, I was swayed by a couple of external factors – my dad (ever the cautious accountant) saying, that the word was house prices were going to drop in the next couple of months (just don’t buy shares, I think would be my advice to him now) and secondly, myself. If truth be told, I was always too scared to branch out on my own. I’ve already said I am one of nature’s natural born-worriers, and always there would be a barrage of what-ifs that popped into my head, and the worrier in me would outweigh the adventurous me. It always does.

I would like to think that now, with the wisdom of a few more years, I am slightly more adaptable to change, especially having had SC.

In fact, right now, I am embarking on a new voyage of discovery.

The chains which bound me in work for the past couple of years, I have just shaken off, and for the first time in a long time I feel free.

I have so much that I want to do, so many ideas, but first and foremost I have to build myself back up in order to be a hard-core bread-winning machine.

I’ve finally accepted the hand that has been dealt me now, and if I am to be on my own, then that’s the way it’s going to be.

I’ve proved to myself I can deal with my own disasters however painful they may be.

I feel afraid, for sure, but I know I can cope with anything life throws at me – I have the battle scars to prove it. I may have been defeated, more times than I have won battles, but I have not failed, for every single time I dusted myself down and stood back up again stronger and wiser than ever.

I didn’t need anyone before I had SC, I don’t need anyone now!

One of the best books I have read was “Who Moved My Cheese”, by Dr Spencer Johnson is all about the different ways we look at change, which can be applied to any aspect of our lives.

Most of us can embrace change, eventually, and it takes some of us longer than others.

There are some people though who will never be able to embrace change.

As for me, I’m off to find new cheese!

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The A-Z of Life – Unknown

“The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown!” (Supernatural Horror in Literature by HP Lovecraft)

“People are supposed to fear the unknown, but ignorance is bliss when knowledge is so damn frightening.”  (The Laughing Corpse, Laurell K Hamilton)

“One is never afraid of the unknown; one is afraid of the known coming to an end.”  (Jiddu Krishnamurti)

“How can you know what you’re capable of if you don’t embrace the unknown?”  (Conquistadora, Esmerelda Santiago)

“It is the unknown that excites the ardour of scholars, who, in the known alone, would shrivel up with boredom.” (Wallace Stevens)

“Even just seconds ahead is unknown; even just seconds after is open to infinite possibilities.”  (Mehmet Murat Ildan)

 

Every day we wake up to an unknown future.

Sure we know we are going to read the newspaper, go to work, relax with a hobby, but what about the unknown element to life.

We don’t know who we are going to meet who might change our future in some way.

We don’t know what is going to happen that might affect our future in some way.

And sometimes the unknown doesn’t have to be a big global disaster, it can be a simple gesture from a stranger, or a letter that can have the biggest impact on your life.

Do we fear the unknown?

Or do we embrace it?

Patrick Overton in his collection of poems entitled “The Leaning Tree” he wrote “When you walk to the edge of all the light you have and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for you to stand upon or you will be taught to fly.”

Sometimes taking that first step into an unknown future is the scariest thing to do and it is the biggest leap of faith you will ever take.

Things happen in our lives for a reason – be they good or bad.

Destiny, karma, call it what you like.

But we all have to trust that by journeying on into the unknown we are following our personal, and pre-destined passage through life.

We all know where our ultimate destination lies!

Everyone’s destination is the same, but how we get there varies enormously.

But what about ‘unknowns’ of the past?

Things that happen and you just don’t know the real reason behind it.

Sometimes it really is a case of ignorance is bliss, because in some cases knowing the truth could be more painful than just filing it under “unknown”

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What Can We Learn from the Yo-Yo

The one thing we can all learn from the humble yo-yo is that what goes down will always come back up and then go down again!

And this can be applied to many aspects of life, but let’s focus on weight and relationships.

How many of you have been on a diet?

Hands up now, don’t be shy…mine’s up too.

How many of you have reached your target weight and looked fabulous?

Now, how many of you, when you reached your target weight then resumed eating as you did before you dieted?

Come along now, I’m sure there’s a few more hands need to go up!

And didn’t you all find that you ended up back where you were when you first started the diet, plus a few more pounds?

So what do we do?

That’s right, we try another diet plan, because clearly the first one didn’t work?

And so it continues, ad infinitum.

See, the yo-yo effect. And what did we learn? Absolutely nothing, because when we reached the start, i.e., back where we started, we launched into yet another diet.

Stop the yo-yo!

The same thing is true of relationships.

How many of you have been in a relationship, which didn’t last for various reasons, only to ‘give it another go’ and then rediscover why you broke up in the first place?

Because, the same faults, things you didn’t like or clashed on were still there.

A leopard can’t change its spots, so despite all best endeavours, really you will just end up going backwards and forwards like a diet.

Take my first love, Boomerang Boy – we’ve been out many times, and it’s always ended the same, he says that he’s got too much going on in his life (commitment phobe?) to deal with a relationship as well. I never see him for ages, and then out of the blue he reappears in my life, we both still like each other, start going out and the yo-yo effect takes hold. I remember why I loved him – he’s funny, can be a gentleman and has never been unfaithful when we’re together. Then all the bad stuff starts coming out – his immaturity, his drinking problem, etc!

Mr Wrong No. 1 was exactly the same – not that we broke up frequently. I used to bottle up how I was feeling with regards to him treating me, e.g., asked me to move in and I end up living out of a suitcase, does everything he wants to do, etc. I then exploded and explained that a relationship is a two-way street and we need to make an ours. All is fine for a couple of weeks and then, back to exactly as it was before. How I survived 3½ years I still wonder!

But you see that’s the yo-yo effect. We want it to change, but we never learn that it won’t.

So what do we do?

THROW THE YO-YO AWAY!

Forget diets. If you want to lose weight you don’t need to watch points, give up carbohydrates, starve for 2 days out of every 5, etc. You need to eat a balanced healthy diet and most importantly exercise. Yes you can have a slice of cake, but not 6!

And you need to be sure of why you want to lose weight. Is it because the jeans are feeling a bit uncomfortable, or do you think you will be happier thinner?

Trust me, if it’s the latter it won’t work. You can only be happy by being true to yourself and accepting yourself for who and what you are. Be happy being you, because you won’t be happy trying to be someone else’s idea of you.

And if it’s for the former reason, then yes, you are the only person who can lose weight. But a diet involves a permanent lifestyle and mind-set change, not just a temporary one!

As for relationships, sometimes people can change, but it is very rare. So when it’s over, remember the good times, but don’t wear rose-tinted glasses. Remember the bad times and vow never to go back there again!

Never look back!

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Thursday Thought

… from an ancient text.

Well, OK, the King James Standard circa 17th century.

Now, I don’t normally take the little sheet of paper from the church service, but a couple of  passages from the 2 readings on Sunday struck me as summing up the world we live in today:

Mark (8.31-38) – “Those who are ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation…”

James (3) – “For where there is envy and selfish ambition, there will also be disorder and wickedness of every kind. …. You want something and do not have it, so you commit murder. And you covet something and cannot obtain it, so you engage in disputes and conflicts.”

Religion causes a lot of problems. I’m not saying one is right above all others, each should be at liberty to have their own faith. At the heart of each faith though is “peace and goodwill” to all, isn’t it?

But it just got me thinking that even now centuries after this was written (supposedly) we live in a world where faith, goodness and loyalty is seen as wrong and violence, destruction and selfishness seen as the good and the answer to everything.

How can we change the world we live in?

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