Tag Archives: blame

A-Z of Life – Honesty

self-honesty-freedomLet’s be honest – it’s always easier to blame other people/other circumstances for our misfortunes in life, isn’t it?

But where does that get us?

Nowhere, that’s where.

Or continually walking down a path always looking for something or someone to blame and never once looking closer to home.

But maybe we should.

Every day we always have a choice.

And those choices determine what happens in our lives. Some of it will be good and some of it will be not so good.

But, and here’s the crux of the matter, if the choice you made turns out to be not so good, then instead of looking for someone or something to blame we need to look at our actions. After all, weren’t we the one who made that particular choice?

We’ve all done it. It’s human nature. If something goes wrong it’s easier to blame circumstances or fate or luck, isn’t it?

I’ve spent a good part of my life blaming others for my ‘lot in life’ – unlucky, ugly, useless, worthless, etc. You name it, the list is pretty long.

But, over the last couple years, having been on this voyage of self-discovery I realised the ‘others’ involved may have caused an initial blip in my life (for want of a better expression), but I was then ultimately responsible for how I felt. After all, I was the one that chose to let their actions affect my life, I chose to believe I was worthless, I chose to believe that I deserved everything that was thrown at me, I chose to believe that I should be treated without respect.

“Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it!”

I looked closely at my own actions and worked hard to improve and better myself in all areas of life and these days I wake up and choose to be positive.

Because I believe in myself now.

For sure, I may still get a few wobbles and panics occasionally but I stop, tell myself to stop being so silly and as a certain song goes, always look on the bright side.

I am alive.

I am allowed to have dreams.

I deserve to be here.

I deserve to have a life.

I am worthy of life.

I am worthy of respect.

I value and know my worth.

I choose life.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under General

Friday Poem – Wasted Tears

tearsA truly beautiful poem by a poet called Tiger Lily Love.

When I read it, it struck so many chords. I have shed these tears in the poem and only now can I see that they were wasted.

I shed tears over things that weren’t my fault, yet I was made to feel as if they were.

I shed tears over what I thought was a lost love, only to realise looking back that it was never that in the first place.

All those tears and all that blaming myself and beating myself up was just a waste of time.

It has taken time but I have finally let go of all the misery just as the poem says.

I (like everyone else on this planet) deserve to be here, deserve to be loved for who I am (a bookish geek with a kind heart), deserve to be treated properly and not like an option (I am a destination not a stop along the way).

I create my own happiness and I enjoy life and whatever it throws at me.

So, here is the poem…

Wasted Tears

At the height of my hysteria
While I was yet again choking on my tears

I realized just how many tears
I’ve shed for all of you
Over the years

Wasted is how I view them
Because wasted is what they are

And each tear plummeted down my face
It left behind a never fading scar

My precious tears none of you deserved
And the satisfaction of knowing I’ve shed then
Is what you’ve gained

But none of you care in the least
That shedding those tears
cruelly caused me so much pain

So I dry my eyes for the last time
And I hope you enjoyed that last show

Because I’m done wasting my tears on you
And am letting you-
And all of the misery
Go

Leave a comment

Filed under Friday Poem

Are Self-Esteem and Ego the Same Thing?

“Ego” is a Latin and Greek word meaning I, and used to describe the self.

“Self-Esteem” is a term used to reflect a person’s overall emotional evaluation of their own worth.

But could they, in fact, be one and the same.

After all if I describe myself (hypothetically) as totally amazing, surely that is me describing myself and how I feel about myself at the same time. And, therefore I could deduce that both my self-esteem and ego were quite large! (Or you could think that I just held far too high an opinion of myself 😉 )

I always assumed, wrongly as it turns out, that they were one and the same thing. That someone with a big ego, and yes full of their own importance, was very confident in themselves and therefore obviously had a high sense of self-worth.

However, I have been reading some articles and books lately that have made me re-think my stance.

As a general rule, it would actually appear that self-esteem and ego are inversely proportional to each other, meaning that someone with a low self-esteem actually has quite a big ego, and vice-versa.

A person with a big ego needs constant reassurance and bolstering up, apparently, whereas a person with high self-esteem is confident enough to not have a ask for compliments!

And that got me thinking about the ghosts of boyfriends past!

Boomerang Boy – big ego and low self-esteem. He always needed to prove his worth, not to me, but to his peers, and was never confident in himself to say no. He always ended up being taken for a fool, which he was not, by making himself the centre of attention with his antics whilst being goaded on by his so-called friends.

Mr Wrong No. 1 – mmm, tricky. I thought he had high self-esteem, but upon further reflection it would appear he was another with low self-esteem and a big ego. He appeared very confident, and indeed is very knowledgeable about a lot of things (I will be forever grateful for everything I learned from him), but was very quick to belittle other people (or maybe it was just me?)

Mr Wrong No. 2 – no question, big ego. The kind of man who would tell you black was white and argue the case even if the truth was staring him in the face. He was of the opinion that his opinion and no one else’s mattered, and took delight in belittling everyone else – especially me!

So, it seems I have a pattern emerging. They have all been the same ‘type’ of man. And I, like a fool, have fallen for the initial façade rather than the person underneath, and when the devil emerged I tried to ignore it, in the hope that it would go away, but all that happened was my life was sucked out of me.

I spent the best part of 20 years wishing things would turn out better with Boomerang Boy. He was my first love. I love him today, but not in that way, he’s more like the brother I never had. I would do anything for him, but as for being in a relationship with him, not a chance.

For my part, I know I have low self-esteem. I am my own worst enemy. I am far too hard on myself and blame myself constantly for anything that goes wrong. That is a fault and, let’s  just say it’s a work in progress 😉

I would like to think though that I do not have a huge ego.

Some people might assume that I have, but most of the time it’s just me trying, really badly, to fit into the company I am with at the time – when to be honest I would rather be at home with a good book, or curled up under a blanket watching a good film.

I do not like being the centre of attention.

Yes, I act, and yes that obviously involves going on stage with shed-loads of people looking at you.

But I don’t do it for the glory, I don’t do for the ego-trip. I do it because it is the one thing I am passionate about, I love it. It enables me to become so much more than I am, I can crawl beneath the skin of a character and, for a while, enjoy being whatever part I am. It’s the one job I would love to be paid for. It’s my life.

I do have my own opinions, which I don’t think is a bad thing. It means that I am confident in my thoughts. However, I do appreciate and respect other people’s opinions and know that sometimes, unintentionally, my opinions, or off-the-cuff remarks may offend others. This is another fault which I am working on repairing.

 

So, it would appear that self-esteem and ego are not the same things.

What do you think?

Leave a comment

Filed under life