Tag Archives: afraid

Aiming for Perfection…

…it appears I’ve been doing this all my life.

I’ve always been competitive, ever since I was little, I was not going to let anyone beat me.

But the only thing I was fighting, in the end, was myself and my ideals of how things should turn out.

I didn’t fight the bullies. I fought myself. I beat myself up as to why I was targeted.

And fighting against this invisible force, striving for a seemingly ‘perfect life like everyone else’ was the goal.

Yet at the end of the day I didn’t fight, it was just my survival tactic kicking in. By suppressing all the anger I felt and all the fear of losing control if I did get mad, fighting myself and striving for perfection was just me taking back control.

And yet by trying to control my life this way I’ve just been going round and round in those ever decreasing circles, not going anywhere, not succeeding at anything, all the time blaming myself.

Why was I angry?

Because when I was bullied, that was the first time I let anyone beat me!

Without putting up a fight, I just let them win. Overnight I was transformed into a shy, timid little girl, hiding any spark of talent under the nearest and most dense bush!

And whenever something happens in my life that I can’t control, I end up being that little girl again – afraid of her own shadow, afraid of letting others see how I really feel, frightened and lonely.

Oh, I’m very good at putting on a brave face and faking it! I may fool the world into thinking that I have no feelings and I don’t hurt, but behind the sunny smile there is just a lost, frightened little girl.

But, I’ve come to realise that I can’t control everything.

If I do something I can give it my best shot and control my input, but I cannot control the result.

I am going to feel frightened, lost, confused, angry and a whole gamut of emotions, but I just need to ride the emotional tide and not suppress my feelings any more.

And I just need to give myself a break from rowing!

Sit on the boat in the middle of the river and let the current carry me to wherever my destiny lies.

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The A-Z of Life – Loneliness

I have a child who depends on me and who I love more than anything – and yet I am alone.

I have been alone all my life.

I have had friends, for sure. But at one time or another, one by one they have all stabbed me in the back in some way.

Bar two – my best friend, who lives abroad and I don’t see very often, and my best ‘mummy’ friend who I love having a natter with and putting the world to rights – I have never had the kind of friendships that are lasting.

I have always been sidelined, substituted or pretty much just ignored like a leper.

To put a brave face on things I have always smiled and made a joke that it’s just, and always will be, me, myself & I.

I never expected it to come true.

I don’t want to be alone.

I don’t want to feel lost.

I don’t want to feel afraid.

I don’t want to end up talking to the walls.

Loneliness isn’t a figment of people’s imagination it is a harsh reality.

Here’s a link to a poem I wrote a couple of years ago

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Love is … like stepping off a cliff

You stand there, teetering on the edge wondering whether or not to take the leap.

You’re teetering because you are unsure, scared (after all what if you’ve read the signals wrongly), maybe you have some unfinished business before you can jump.

But what of the person standing next to you?

They may be just as scared and confused as you. Scared about jumping in case they get hurt again and confused because of the mixed signals they are getting from you and don’t know how to suppress their own growing feelings for you.

I’ve been listening to a song recently called ‘In Whatever Time we Have’ from Children of Eden. It’s got some very powerful lyrics and totally akin to standing on the edge of a cliff wondering whether to jump…

‘If at times we are afraid, with so little to believe in. It’s alright to feel afraid, I will hold you in the dark. We could live a hundred years, or the world could end tomorrow, But we know we’ll be together in whatever time we have!’

It’s OK to be scared, but think of the person standing next to you too.

Be honest with them about how you feel. After all if you have no intention of jumping then is it fair to leave them teetering, with all those feelings growing inside them?

If you are going to jump. Take their hand in yours and don’t ever let go. Tell them how you feel in no uncertain terms. Then jump! With both feet and enjoy it 🙂

But watch out for that first step…it’s quite a tumble 😉

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