…it appears I’ve been doing this all my life.
I’ve always been competitive, ever since I was little, I was not going to let anyone beat me.
But the only thing I was fighting, in the end, was myself and my ideals of how things should turn out.
I didn’t fight the bullies. I fought myself. I beat myself up as to why I was targeted.
And fighting against this invisible force, striving for a seemingly ‘perfect life like everyone else’ was the goal.
Yet at the end of the day I didn’t fight, it was just my survival tactic kicking in. By suppressing all the anger I felt and all the fear of losing control if I did get mad, fighting myself and striving for perfection was just me taking back control.
And yet by trying to control my life this way I’ve just been going round and round in those ever decreasing circles, not going anywhere, not succeeding at anything, all the time blaming myself.
Why was I angry?
Because when I was bullied, that was the first time I let anyone beat me!
Without putting up a fight, I just let them win. Overnight I was transformed into a shy, timid little girl, hiding any spark of talent under the nearest and most dense bush!
And whenever something happens in my life that I can’t control, I end up being that little girl again – afraid of her own shadow, afraid of letting others see how I really feel, frightened and lonely.
Oh, I’m very good at putting on a brave face and faking it! I may fool the world into thinking that I have no feelings and I don’t hurt, but behind the sunny smile there is just a lost, frightened little girl.
But, I’ve come to realise that I can’t control everything.
If I do something I can give it my best shot and control my input, but I cannot control the result.
I am going to feel frightened, lost, confused, angry and a whole gamut of emotions, but I just need to ride the emotional tide and not suppress my feelings any more.
And I just need to give myself a break from rowing!
Sit on the boat in the middle of the river and let the current carry me to wherever my destiny lies.