A New Life …


… What I wouldn’t give to have a new life!life-long-quotes

One thing I have learned as I go through life, nothing is for free along the way!

It certainly isn’t. We live, we learn and we lose. My heart is forever paying the price it seems. I work hard and still it seems I am just chasing my tail in circles never getting any closer to that goal.

A new start – that’s the thing I need, to give me new heart.

Half a chance in life to find a new part, just a simple role that I can play.

Think I’ve lost count of the number of times I had to, and tried desperately hard to start again. I’m still searching for my role in this great universe of life, simple or otherwise. Starting over does bring new heart, but only on a temporary basis, all too often the same demons raise their heads again.

A new hope – something to convince me to renew hope!

I’d like to be able to believe more and have more faith in human nature. I think over the years I have been led to mistrust everyone and everything. I try to have faith, but every single body blow kicks just a little bit more faith out of me.

A new day, bright enough to help me find my way!

Where am I going? What am I doing? What’s my purpose in life? Each day I try, and every day it seems I fail!

A new chance – one that maybe has a touch of romance.

Where can it be, the chance for me?

I ask myself that very question? Do we make our own chances in life? Or do they come a-knockin’? If we have to go about making our own chances the first hurdle we need to get over is that one of feeling stupid and a failure if it all goes belly up!

A new dream – I have one

I know that very few dream!

I have dreams and hopes and aspirations and maybe I’m foolish to cling on to them (Mr Wrong No. 2 always made me feel my dreams were worthless) but one day…

I would like to see that overdue dream – even though it never may come true!

A new love – though I know there’s no such thing as true love –

Even so, although I never knew love, still I feel that one dream is my due!

I believe in fairy tales and happy-ever-afters (I read too much) and I have known love. It has given me a glimmer of hope that maybe one day there is a guy out there who is the love of my life, my best friend, my soul mate and the one I can tell all my hopes and dreams too without fear of being thought an idiot! Someone kind, caring and thoughtful, who will wipe the tears away, kiss my forehead, make me laugh and who loves me for me – warts and all.

A new world – this one thing I want to ask of you, world – once! – Before it’s time to say adieu, world! One sweet chance to prove the cynics wrong!

Too right, just a chance to prove to everyone that I’m not the complete loser they think I am! I’m not a loser! Sometimes I make the wrong decisions. Sometimes based on what my heart tells me and sometimes based on what my head tells me – and this encompasses all areas of my life. But all those wrong decisions have led me to learn things and every lesson I learn I grow stronger – so one day all those cynics will be left open-mouthed 😉

A new life – more and more, I’m sure, as I go through life, just to play the game – and to pursue life – just to share its pleasures, and belong!

Why do I feel that I don’t belong? I’ve always felt like an outcast – someone who is merely tolerated. I was never one of the ‘in-crowd’ at school. Even as I’ve gone through life I’ve never fitted in to a mould! That’s all I’ve ever wanted – to fit in and be accepted for who I am!

That’s what I’ve been here for, all along!
Each day’s a brand new life!

It certainly is, every day is fresh, with no mistakes 😉

 

But however many new days there are, that new life is always elusive!

I keep thinking (there’s that darned word again) that it’s obviously me.

And maybe it is.

Maybe over the years I have built up such a barrier around myself and every knock, jibe, heartbreak has just added one more brick in the wall (to quote a famous song!) I was told it was akin to having this big knot of pain and anguish in the centre of my body, that has thickened over the years and resembles tar – sticky, black and difficult to remove.

The trouble is in order to rip out the knot and break down the wall I have to be able to say what and how I feel, but that is easier said than done.

The wall has been there for so many years, it’s impenetrable – a bit like the forest that grew up around Sleeping Beauty’s castle – OK I’m not Sleeping Beauty, but I feel as if I am trapped in a tower and I have no idea how I’m ever going to escape!

[lyrics from “A New Life” from the musical Jekyll & Hyde – one of my favourites]

 

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