He was the one who taught me to be independent, and yet I failed.
He was the one who taught me that if you work hard you reap the rewards, and yet I failed.
He was the one who taught me to be careful, and yet I failed.
Everything I try, I do to try to please my father, and yet I fail.
Even when other people ‘lavish’ praise on my efforts, not one word of praise escapes my fathers lips.
I can’t even remember my father saying he loved me, like most fathers do to their offspring.
I’m at a crossroads in my life where I need to make big decisions about where I am headed in order to make a good life for SC.
Yet in my father’s eyes everything is black and white – I have to do either A or B.
I have ideas, but he says that they should just be sidelines – yet the problem is, and a lesson I have learned from bitter experience past is that if I go down route A and dabble with ideas, then the ideas are just another chalked-up failure. You cannot do, and give your full attention to 2 different things, especially if you have attention needed from a SC – it just doesn’t work.
Fate, apparently, throws at us what it feels we can deal with.
But you know what?
I don’t want to have to fight to keep my head above the water every single hour of every single day.
I don’t want to give up, I’m not a quitter, but right now I feel I have no other option.
I want time. Time for me to prove my worth. Time for me to be a good mum (instead of the failure I feel). Time for me to be me.
But I don’t have time.
The clock never stops ticking (which is probably why I hate loud ticking clocks).