Daily Archives: April 25, 2013

I’m one big disappointment!

Why do I feel that I am one big disappointment after another in my father’s eyes?clock

He was the one who taught me to be independent, and yet I failed.

He was the one who taught me that if you work hard you reap the rewards, and yet I failed.

He was the one who taught me to be careful, and yet I failed.

Everything I try, I do to try to please my father, and yet I fail.

Even when other people ‘lavish’ praise on my efforts, not one word of praise escapes my fathers lips.

I can’t even remember my father saying he loved me, like most fathers do to their offspring.

I’m at a crossroads in my life where I need to make big decisions about where I am headed in order to make a good life for SC.

Yet in my father’s eyes everything is black and white – I have to do either A or B.

I have ideas, but he says that they should just be sidelines – yet the problem is, and a lesson I have learned from bitter experience past is that if I go down route A and dabble with ideas, then the ideas are just another chalked-up failure. You cannot do, and give your full attention to 2 different things, especially if you have attention needed from a SC – it just doesn’t work.

Fate, apparently, throws at us what it feels we can deal with.

But you know what?

I’m tired.

I don’t want to have to fight to keep my head above the water every single hour of every single day.

I don’t want to give up, I’m not a quitter, but right now I feel I have no other option.

I want time. Time for me to prove my worth. Time for me to be a good mum (instead of the failure I feel). Time for me to be me.

But I don’t have time.

The clock never stops ticking (which is probably why I hate loud ticking clocks).

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What things have you started …

…that you haven’t finished?

This was an interesting question I heard on the radio coming home from school yesterday, and listeners were encouraged to ring in and divulge their unfinished tasks.

Now, where would I begin…

  1. I have an embroidery tablecloth that I was given when I was a teenager – I started but I haven’t finished. I pick it up occasionally, and most recently was about 10 years ago – I’m seriously never going to finish it.
  2. Les Miserables – I’ve seen the show, I’ve seen the film, I’ve got the book and read the first page – maybe I should sit down and plough my way through, then I’ll try “War and Peace”
  3. Far to many craft projects to mention – from clothes to cards.
  4. My big book of ideas – is teaming with projects to do, some half-heartedly attempted, the rest haven’t seen light of day since I had the idea – I just never seem to have the time.

… and that’s the problem – time. Other things just keep popping up that take precedence.

A wise man told me that you should write down a to-do list and systematically go through and finish each one before attempting the next.

Some stuff is trivial and can be thrown off the list, but the more important things like my ideas, I really should just sit down and put them in order of priority and then tackle each one.

Although my first priority is sorting work out!! (That could take a while – so many ideas!)

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