Daily Archives: September 22, 2012

Letting Go …

… of a lifetime of cynicism isn’t easy. But it’s essential, I think if I am to move forward and let myself be open to a world of possibilities and new beginnings.

It’s a big wall I’ve managed to build up that I need to knock down. But I reckon I could have a go at being Joshua and make those walls of Jericho come a’tumbling down 😉

Forgiveness is the key to releasing those mental blocks that constitute the walls, and if I can find a way to forgive hopefully those walls will start crumbling. I’m not saying forgive and forget, because if we forget then we didn’t learn.

Location, location, location – when I was 5 my parents moved to where we live now. I hated moving and for most of my formative years blamed all my problems on the fact that I had been torn away from all I had known, and where I had been happy. I now know that I was being foolish. My problems would have occurred wherever I had been living. It wasn’t because of where I was, because of who I am. The people involved would just have had different names. If truth be told, I love living where I do now. I can wander into town and bump into someone I know pretty much every time, and most of the shop owners know me and SC too. It is a friendly place after all and its home. Still doesn’t mean I don’t get itchy feet, but who knows where my feet will take me.

School Bullies – would have reared their heads anywhere. I was bullied at secondary school, from pretty much the first day I arrived. Charmingly, it was an older girl from my primary school that first beat me up! Then it was the girls in my class – because I was different. I preferred studying and the arts to make-up, music and boys. Easy target, and it was certainly mild to todays’ playground bullies, certainly no happy slapping and videoing it for You Tube. But it blighted my life for 3 long years. I became withdrawn and stopped eating. I did eventually learn to stand my ground, but the moment I retaliated it just got worse with everyone piling sympathy on the bully and rounding on me. Even swapping classes for my final 2 years at the school didn’t really help. They were still there, loitering. It’s taken me, pretty much all of my life to date to finally throw off their legacy. I was letting their actions dictate my life. It’s over now. I know that bullies are really cowards. They never attack alone, only in packs. I feel sorry for them knowing that the only way they could make themselves feel good about themselves was to pick on someone else. It’s quite sad actually.

Teacher Bullies – when I went to Sixth Form, it wasn’t the students but the teachers themselves! They seemed to go out of their way to call me stupid and belittle me in front of everyone in class. Needless to say, I let them win. I stopped working and told them I didn’t give a fig about going to university. Bang, went my medical career. But, do you know what, if I had the chance to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. No sense regretting decisions made. I probably would have made a lousy doctor 😉 After I left Sixth Form – with  A Levels, I hasten to add, not the world’s best grades, but considering I didn’t actually pick up a book they weren’t bad – I did go to university. I discovered my va-va-voom, so to speak and was determined to prove my old teachers wrong, that I wasn’t stupid. And I did!

Mr Wrong No. 2 – (SC’s father) – where to start with this one? Actually it’s quite simple. It was just one big, huge mistake – the only good to come out of it was SC. But really, if I had been my normal self I wouldn’t have gone within 50 yards. I can’t, and won’t ever forget the way he treated me when I was pregnant, in labour and afterwards with SC. I feel sorry for him that he has missed out on pretty much all of SC’s life. He has no idea how amazing SC is. I have no feelings for him whatsoever, which I proved when I went to retrieve the remnants of my stuff from his flat. Unfortunately, he will be part of my life for the foreseeable because of SC. There’s nothing I can do about that, and I certainly would never deny SC contact with him. Do I forgive him? Yes, because the fault was partly mine. It takes two, as they say.

Myself – this is probably the biggest block of all. I’m pretty hard on myself really. I beat myself up over everything from the really big to the tiniest little detail. It’s always my fault, you see. Something goes wrong in my life – it’s always down to me – irrespective of reality. I stress over things I have no control over. I let things get to me. Maybe this is because I am a perfectionist. I want perfection – the perfect life – the fairytale. I don’t want to settle for second best, but in some ways I have. I have never really strived for what I wanted. I always put up my own stumbling blocks and hurdles. Telling myself I can’t do this or that. According to my parents I was very determined when I was 4 – no one was going to beat me. To date, it seems as though everyone has. Well not anymore! I was reminded last night of the very first character I played on stage. Vivie Warren in George Bernard Shaw’s “Mrs Warren’s Profession” – she said that the people who got on in this world were the people who got up and looked for the circumstances they wanted and if they didn’t find them, they made them. This post is just the start of sending the walls of constriction hurtling into space, and me looking to find the circumstances I want. I don’t want second best anymore and I’m certainly not going to settle for what I’ve got. The first step to send the walls crashing is to stand up and say:

I forgive me!

I can do anything!

I will achieve my dreams!

I want something better!

I must try harder!

I am me!

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