The Children’s Bible – in a nutshell


I cannot take any credit for this, it was in my local church magazine this month. Even the original child author was not named in the magazine, so I don’t know who, where or even when this was written – if I did, I would credit.

The below is not meant to offend anyone. It is merely the result of a child being asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

The resulting report should make us wonder though, how often we take for granted that children understand what they are being taught…

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness and some gas. The Bible says The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said “Give me a light!” and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than this brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharoah after God sent ten plagues on Pharoah’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them his Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance or covet your neighbour’s stuff.

Oh yeah, and I just thought of one more: Humour thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mum is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was!’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Sad Judgees.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they names a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He heated many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Sad Judgees and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus dies for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

I would have given this book report A+ for effort and entertainment value alone.

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